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William K. Wolfrum's picture

2012 and the Mayans: Apocalypse Now ... Please

With the film “2012″ opening soon, many of the world’s great thinkers have accepted the movie’s premise as fact. The world as we know it will come to a grinding halt in the year 2012, they believe, because the Mayans said so.

Such logic is impossible to refute. When ancient civilizations predict something, it generally happens. The history of the planet has been foretold long ago by civilizations that - while blessed with incredible foresight and predictive powers - were unfortunately unable to see their own demise staring them in the face. Thus, the end of the world is a virtual certainty.

While this is considered a radical and “moronic” opinion in some circles, history has shown us that if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s ancient societies correctly predicting future events:

  • The Hittites foretold of a U.S. President named “Baraq Kissinger Obawma” who would create or save nearly 734 million jobs but receive little credit for it due to being President at the time of the apocalypse.
  • Philosophers of the Lost Island of Atlantis accurately predicted the invention of scuba gear, though were off base in their predictions that humans would grow gills. Many researchers have claimed the Atlanteans were guilty of what scientists have called “Wishful Thinking.”
  • In ancient Greece, the famed philosopher Socrates reportedly predicted a future where “Ignorance and mediocrity will hold sway,” an obvious reference to Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagger movement.
  • In South America, the Incas predicted the arrival of a young man that would glamor millions despite having no discernible talent aside from “creepy mouth gestures” - clearly referring to “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson’s overly entitled smug poutiness.
  • The Vikings - known more for their warrior spirit - made perhaps the most accurate prediction of all, when archeologists recently discovered scrolls that stated “Whomever shall thrust Jon & Kate Gosselin upon a society shalt be disemboweled with a rusty spoon.”

  • That the world is soon to end is no reason for panic, mind you. The Apocalypse will bring with it a plethora of positives.

    Global problems like the economic crisis, swine flu, climate change, disrespectful teenagers, Glenn Beck and erectile function will all vanish immediately into the void of space. The New York Yankees will never win another World Series. No one with the last name “Bush” will ever again be in a position of power. Your herpes will cease being a social issue. The U.S. can declare victory in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran (Nostradomus predicted the U.S. would put Iran on a steady diet of tactical nuclear weapons starting in 2011).

    So remember, the end of the world isn’t the end of the world or anything. It’s just one of those things. And there is the possibility that the Mayan prediction has been misinterpreted and humanity still has another 5,000 years or so left. But given the situation with the world today, we’d probably all be better off if it happens in 2012, if not sooner. So keep your fingers crossed, it’s really all for the best.

    –WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    My sister-in-law's brother, aka my brother's brother-in-law--there should really be term for this, brother-in-law-law? But I digress. My sister-in-law's brother is living in Sedona, AZ to prepare for 2012, at which point the earth will move into the next dimension or density or something like that. Location is important for the transition or transcendence or something like that. Apparently, New York is not ideally situated for the transition. So you Arizona folks, Larry and Aman, please give my regards to the next plane of existence. I'll be thinking of you. Wolf, you might be OK too. I think that Brazil is supposed to be pretty spiritual.

    I'll be just fine. Nothing bad ever happens to South America. Watch any "End-of-the-world" movie. Brazil's never in equation.

    I think you may want to get some bottled water, just in case. Your blog prompted me to watch a preview for 2012, and gigantic Rio Jesus comes a-crumblin' down. No one is safe.

    I noticed Rio Jesus also figured prominently in V. There's definitely a pattern here, one that should concern WKW to no end.

    I'm totally cool with crumbling Jesus's. I'm way out in the sticks. Nothing spectacular to be destroyed here, except our 60,000-seat soccer stadium for a team mired in Division Z. Normal crowd - 5K. That could go and few would complain

    Apocalypse is obviously anti-city.

    gigantic Rio Jesus comes a-crumblin' down

    Apocalypse is obviously anti-Christian

    Actually, this is hilariously accurate, at least in terms of 2012 the film.  The film's director actually axed a scene that showed the destruction of the Kaaba alongside other major monuments around the world for fear of Muslim reprisal.  From the article:

    in order to highlight his opposition to organised religion, the director decided to use CGI to destroy the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro instead. For good measure, he also blew up the Sistine chapel and St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican, plus, on a secular note, the White House (again)

    So, the apocalype is not only anti-Christian, but it's also anti-American!

    Wait, what? I thought this was a Mel Gibson vehicle, and isn't he pretty pro-Catholic/anti-Genghis?

    No, that was Apocalypto.  This new film is from the director of Independence Day, so blowing up the White House with CG is well-trodden territory for him.

    Ah, yes. That was my confusion. I liked Independence Day, and I like things blowing up in general, so I'll have to find some way to talk the wife into watching this with me.

    One thing that's interesting to me about the hysteria over this Mayan prophecy is that the very same prophecy tells us that we're in the fifth age of the Mayan calendar.  What this means is that the world has actually "ended" four times before (and in a unique way each time - this time the end will be brought about by "movement").  So, I guess what puzzles me is why the world ending for the fifth time is such a big deal.

    Nothing to see here people!  The world is just ending again.  It's totally routine at this point.

    Dude, you've just ruined my end-of-the-world moment. Thanks.

    It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

    You list "erectile function" among the global problems this Mayan apocalypse will bring to an end. OK, maybe the resulting overpopulation has been a bit of an inconvenience. But great crumbling Jesus, Wolfman, if we've got just over two years left on this mortal plane, at least let us go out with smiles on our faces! I can't believe the apocalypse is anti-erection, too.

    Oddly, he lists the end of "erectile function" as a positive. Maybe Willie uses his willie too much down there in Rio and is looking forward to an end to all of the rampant sex.

    I will neither CONFIRM nor deny that statement.

    See what I did there? That's why I get paid the big bucks around here.

    Aww, c'mon.  Caps?  I don't know if that's really worth the big bucks.  If quinn had done it, we would have seen all kinds of styles.  Big fonts, italics, colors.  That's where the top dollar should be directed.

    Oh yeah, sorry for the delays on that. We had some trouble with the Brazilian conversion. Your R$0.27 is in the mail.

    You're aware that with the dollar's current standing, that comes out to $45,000. Or €.OO1.

    Yes, that's why we had the delays. In the future, we'll switch to D-Bills, which are far more stable and also more colorful.

    Hey Wolfrum, remember that R$0.27 you owe me?

    Doh!

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