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Costa Rica to re-institute military to fend off possible Rush Limbaugh attack

COSTA RICA – Calling it the “greatest threat our nation has ever faced,” Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

“We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now,” said Arias. “We don’t want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud.”

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States. [Read more]

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John Ensign on Eric Massa: "I don't tickle anyone"

WASHINGTON – Republican Senator John Ensign – speaking from his room at the C Street Center – has come out swinging against ex-Representative Eric Massa.

“That he would admit to a tickle fight is a travesty and an embarrassment for this Congress,” said Ensign, who at no time during his speech slept with any of his friends’ wives. “The Democrats have once again proven to have serious ethics problems.” [Read more]

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Everyone in the NFL arrested

CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

Aside from the players, every owner was also arrested, for everything from collusion to tax fraud to using the NFL season as a bargaining chip. [Read more]

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Sarah Palin crosses border to get health care in Canada? Much ado about Skagway

Liberal blogs are abuzz today about Sarah Palin’s admission that her family crossed the border from Skagway, Alaska to Whitehorse in Canada to receive health care for her brother: [Read more]

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It’s your own damned fault if you get murdered

While murder is still considered a grave crime, today’s enlightened society tends to see it as something more than a black & white issue. Because more often than not, a murder victim has every opportunity to avoid being murdered.

Simply put, if you get murdered, it’s very likely your own damned fault. This is obvious to any who care to look at the issue. [Read more]

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'The Cove' wins Oscar for Best Documentary - but Fisher Stevens misses the point about saving dolphins

Last month, I got to speak with director Louie Psihoyos about his Oscar-nominated documentary “The Cove.” When asked about the possibility of winning an Academy Award, here’s what Psihoyos had to say:

“A billion people will see the Academy Awards,” said Psihoyos in a telephone interview. “That’s why I’d like to win. Because for 45 seconds you can talk directly to all the key people who are involved in these policies.”

Unfortunately, Producer Fisher Stevens – missing the point and a huge opportunity – gave the acceptance speech and never actually said the word “Dolphin.” [Read more]

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“Lazy Americans like being unemployed” talking point a winner for GOP

If you can say one thing about the GOP, it’s that they stick to the script when it comes to talking points. The latest GOP talking point – that Americans are lazy and like being unemployed – could very well be a winner for the Republicans come election time.

Ex-Speaker of the House Tom Delay was the latest conservative to make the claim, as he told CNN’s Candy Crowley that unemployment insurance was the root of all evil:

Crowley: People are unemployed because they want to be? [Read more]

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Barack Obama decides to shoot Khalid Sheik Mohammed in head just to be on safe side

WASHINGTON – Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,”said Obama. “Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision. [Read more]

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Atheist politician arrested after leaving Church

BAKERSFIELD – An Atheist California state senator was placed under arrest for Driving under the Influence of God after leaving a Church. His wife was in the vehicle along with the lawmaker and was not arrested.

State Sen. Tim Johnson was pulled over by the California Highway Patrol at about 2:00 p.m. last Sunday when his state-issued vehicle was observed being driven blissfully. The driver, identified as Johnson, was taken in and charged for driving under the influence of God. Unidentified sources said the senator had been at St. Mary’s, a popular Catholic Church, prior to his arrest. [Read more]

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Explosive New ACORN Video: Blacks get whatever they want!

A new video posted by an independent filmmaker posing as a samba dancer has surfaced depicting an ACORN staffer assisting a Black (known in this video as “Max”) making unreasonable — and possibly child prostitution-related — requests.

 [Read more]

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Sarah Palin’s stand-up comedy more honest than her political speeches

In the second biggest performance of her career, Sarah Palin stunned Jay Leno and Tonight Show viewers with her wit and delivery, but more importantly, her honesty. In fact-checking her stand-up routine on the Tonight Show last night, The Chronicles have found her routine was mostly truthful. [Read more]

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GOP, Jim Bunning filibuster family's dinner

AKRON — Edward Crone and his family had just finished saying grace and were prepared to begin eating dinner when Senate Republicans – led by the retiring Jim Bunning – burst through the door and threatened to filibuster the meal.

“We see no way that the Crone family can possibly pay for this meal,” said Bunning. “If the Crone family can’t offset the price of a meal, what will they offset.”

Caught off guard, Senate Democrats said they had no choice but to cancel the Crone’s dinner, as the mere threat of the filibuster was an unbeatable weapon against them. [Read more]

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Breaking: A drunken Barack Obama chokes living daylights out of Jim Bunning

WASHINGTON – Inside sources confirm that U.S. President Barack Obama – completely hammered on Coors Light and Alabama Slammers – choked the living daylights out of Republican Senator Jim Bunning, today.

“You no-good political opportunish,” slurred Obama, as Bunning’s face turned crimson. “Putting people out of work, screwing over seniors and taking away unemployment benefits for no reason!” [Read more]

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The worst thing I can do to Andrew Breitbart

According to pretend journalist Andrew Breitbart, “The worst thing you can do …in politically correct America…is accuse somebody of being a (sic) racism.”

Let’s see if I can make it a little worser:

Andrew Breitbart is a cowardly racist.

Pass it on.

--WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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Christian Fundamentalists = Islamic Fundamentalists: Blame the Rape Victim edition

Whether they are Islamic, Christian or Scientologists, religious fundamentalists are truly an evil people. How else to explain the “Girls dressing provocatively are just asking to be raped” leaflet being handed out to girls in Bristol, Va.:

“You may have been given this leaflet because of the way you are dressed,” it begins. “Have you thought about standing before the true and living God to be judged?”

It continues with one essential theme: The sins of men are, in part, the fault of women, specifically women in tight-fitting clothing. Yates was annoyed. Then she got to a section on page two: [Read more]

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Got Torts? William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation is here to help

Do you have Torts? Do you wake up each morning to see a Tort-infested life that is destroying everything you hold dear?

If that’s the case, then William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation* is here for you.

As we are all well aware, Torts have destroyed this great nation. Where once freedom and liberty reigned, now there are only Torts. They need reformed, and now. At William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation, our team of trained Tort Reformation experts will clear your house of all annoying Torts, from the biggest to most minuscule. [Read more]

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Tiger Woods dropped by Gatorade - blogger's funniest post ever now moot

It is with great sadness that I announce that Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a sponsor. No, it wasn't because they finally realized that golfers don't actually need electrolytes, it's far more nefarious than that. They dropped Tiger because he was doing the only thing that really required Gatorade - having sex with dozens and dozens of women not named Mrs. Woods. [Read more]

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God speaks: "Beauty Pageant Contestants are going to Hell"

HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful entity that controls all things on the planet, spoke to his people today for the first time in hundreds of years. Using the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert so that he wouldn’t shatter the eardrums and souls of ordinary humans, God was swift and to the point. [Read more]

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Breaking: Obama, Democrats vow to keep negotiating with brick wall

WASHINGTON – Despite hours of negotiations, President Barack Obama and Congressional Democrats were unable to move a brick wall in the center of the White House.

“This wall is weighing down the entire nation, but it just won’t listen to reason,” said Obama at a special press conference. “But I’m dedicated to offering it more leverage in these negotiations.”

For it’s part, the wall – which has numerous Republican talking points spray-painted on it – has shown no inclination to move, for any reason. [Read more]

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