For more than 30 years, Americans of all sizes, shapes and colors admired Tiger Woods and his golf game. Now, when the name Tiger Woods is mentioned, you can only think of one thing - his Penis.

America has long been under siege by Penises, but over the past decade or so, Penises have come to dominate the political and cultural landscape. Much like fascists and racists, the Penis long kept quiet, patiently awaiting its opportunity to pounce. [Read more]

As rumors started coming out that Tiger Woods would be cited for reckless driving for his recent controversial car crash, something struck me - What in the Hell is this country coming to? [Read more]

MINNESOTA - Putting away laundry was the last place a Minnesota woman thought she’d have a spiritual moment. But there it was: an image she saw as a manifestation of Michele Bachman on the bottom of her iron.

“I wouldn’t say it’s a miracle, but it made me say ‘Wow!’ ” said Mary Jo Coady, who was “uplifted” after first noticing the scorched image Sunday. [Read more]

AMERICA - Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a White House Party yesterday, stopping long enough to get his picture taken with President Barack Obama before getting cracked in the mouth with a three-wood by his wife Elin.

Later in the evening, violence again broke out as Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston had a fistfight over who was dreamier in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” - Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson. Following the fight, Oprah Winfrey quit her show and several others escaped in a poorly-made weather balloon.

Next Week: Health Care, Afghanistan and other issues will be covered, unless Madonna or Britney Spears do or say something stupid. [Read more]

PORTLAND, Maine - A new report from the Wolfrum Alpha Resource Center states that every man, woman and child will be tasered at least once by the year 2015. Most of the taserings will be quite comical.

“Soon, we’ll reach a point where everyone will have their own taser gun,” said Portland Sheriff Calvin Jarmen. “Then, just sit back and laugh.”

While many have debated the humanity of using tasers to subdue everyone from young girls that won’t do their homework to old ladies that are grumpy, others complain about the sheer comic value of tasers. [Read more]

Pardon me and these turkey headlines …

… Barack Obama to refuse Pardoning Thanksgiving Turkey, will instead send it to NYC for trial.

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… Barack Obama to wait to pardon Thanksgiving turkey until it reveals its real birth certificate.

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… Barack Obama to pardon Thanksgiving Turkey, but only after mandating it to buy insurance from CIGNA first.

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… Barack Obama’s attempts to pardon Thanksgiving turkey thwarted by Joe Lieberman-led filibuster.

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… On his latest show, Glenn Beck discovered that the Thanksgiving Turkey said it had more wisdom than some white-meat turkey. White House unsure if it will get pardon [Read more]

WASHINGTON - Nearly 50 Senators suffered embarrassing internal injuries this afternoon, after Republican Senators - joined by moderate Democratic Senators - obstructed the Senate’s new bathroom rules. [Read more]

KANSAS - A stunning new poll from the Taibbi Research Center shows that the vast majority of Americans are now tired of President Barack Obama’s mottos of “Change We Can Believe In,” and other Change-based catch phrases. Nearly 80 percent of those surveyed said that the “Change” motto had grown tired and they needed something new. [Read more]

Rumors have been circulating that “Meet the Press” host David Gregory suffers from the rare and stupid condition: CharlesKrauthammerBeingCondescendingTowardMeaphobia.

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INTERNET - In a rare follow-up to one of his own blog posts, noted Blogger William K. Wolfrum attacked those that have criticized him for leaning too heavily on Sarah Palin for humor.

“I am shocked and offended that there are those out there that will say they are ’sick of Sarah Palin jokes,’ ” said Wolfrum, as he helped nurse a baby polar bear back to health. “Didn’t we learn anything from Bush? Oh, we played it off, but losing Bush was horrible.” [Read more]

When NASA recently send a missile into the Moon’s soil, the event was mostly used for an endless stream of jokes and “Mr. Show” references. Something big came of it, however. They found water. But no one seemed to care.

“[W]e’ve been to the moon already, and it’s just not that interesting,” wrote noted philosopher Genghis. [Read more]

WASHINGTON - By the skin of their teeth, Senate Democrats voted to begin formal debate on the Health Care Reform bill that would guarantee medical coverage for nearly all Americans. All Senate Republicans voted to shelve the bill.

Seconds after the vote, the dead began rising from their graves and started walking amongst the living, meeting at Capitol Hill for an impromptu protest. When interviewed, the Zombies said they believed health care reform would lead to a New World Order, create “Death Panels,” and force both men and women to have abortions. [Read more]

When CNN forked over whatever amount they had to in order to get Lou Dobbs off the air, one could imagine that Dobbs was sufficiently chastened for his Birther/Mexican-hate ideologies. That would be far from the truth, however, as Dobbs is already making it clear that he should be the one making policy, not discussing it. [Read more]