May 13, 2029

Twenty-six years after invading Iraq, the United States closed its military bases and evacuated the last American soldiers from Iraqi soil.

In an address to soldiers at Fort Bragg, President George Prescott Bush praised the U.S. military for accomplishing the mission that his uncle, former President George W. Bush, had set before them in 2003.

May 6, 2029

President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

Governor Brad Henry of Oklahoma decisively resolved a major battle over the official state rock song today. I bet you didn't realize that states had official rock songs, least of all Oklahoma.

Well it does now. In an online contest, a majority of Oklahomans voted for Do You Realize? by the weird psychadelicish band, The Flaming Lips. I bet you didn't realize that the Flaming Lips came from Oklahoma.

Under relentless media pressure after weeks of foot-dragging, the Obama Administration finally selected a nominee for a top government post: First Dog.

You've no doubt seen the video in which Obama bowed meekly before King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia:

Congratulations to the august members of the House of Representatives. You just saved America $148.5M. Of course, after countless hours of wrangling with the Senate, that will surely be reduced by half. And then, there will be the lawsuits challenging the bill-of-attainder tax on a particular company--a really, really, really bad company which deserves to be disemboweled and which we would definitely do if that pesky economic depression weren't in the way.

Seeking qualified candidates for leadership role with a top American political party who will:

This is the house that George built!
These are men who lie in the house that George built.
This is the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

This is the fraud that started the war
That killed the men that lie in the house that George built.
This is the Dick that contrived the fraud
That started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

Senator Roland Burris (D) speaks...

Jan 5, sworn affidavit:

There was not any contact between myself or any of my representatives with Governor Blagojevich or any of his representatives regarding my appointment to the United States Senate.

Contact counter: 0

Jan 8, sworn testimony:

Monday 2/9. The MS Wall Fox Times, a joint news venture created by various prominent media organizations, has revealed that President Barack Obama is not Jesus. A probing collaboration by numerous reporters, pundits, and editorial assistants has determined that Barack Obama bears little physical resemblance to the celebrated hero of Christian faiths worldwide and cannot walk on water.

I left my friend Jake's apartment on Capitol Hill at 8:45am, clutching my hard-won "silver section" inauguration ticket. Hat, gloves, long underwear, wool socks, sunglasses--perfectly equipped for five hours of 32 degrees, mostly sunny. We wound our way around the Capitol, exchanging anti-Bush witticisms with the passerby. At first, there were big, friendly signs: "Silver section -->." The signs happily directed us where we already knew we were supposed to go.

It was Sept. 18. Lehman Brothers had just gone belly-up, overwhelmed by toxic mortgages. Bank of America had swallowed Merrill Lynch in a hastily arranged sale. Two days earlier, Mr. Bush had agreed to pump $85 billion into the failing insurance giant American International Group. The president listened as Ben S. Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, laid out the latest terrifying news: The credit markets, gripped by panic, had frozen overnight, and banks were refusing to lend money. Then his Treasury secretary, Henry M.