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Shuts and Failures

by Michael Maiello

acanuck's picture

I bought a toaster today

by acanuck 4/2/2010 - 2:16 am   |

I know, I know. Daglog is not Twitter. And as Joe Biden would say, big F-ing deal. It's just that I'm over 60 years old (there, I said it) and to the best of my recollection I have never before bought a toaster.

I've owned a toaster -- like, forever. Of course. Everyone owns a toaster. But when my toaster broke this week, I asked myself, "When did I buy this thing?" And I drew a complete blank. Maybe it was a hand-me-down from my dear departed mother, or an ex-girlfriend. Or maybe it was left behind in an apartment I once rented. All I know is I've had it longer than I've had children, and they are in their late 30s. So when it stopped working, it surprised the hell out of me. It had always worked. Why would it stop now?

Actually, not true. It did stop once before, maybe two decades back. I opened it up then, and saw that the heating element had broken. I put a staple through it, reassembled it, and got 20 more years of reliable service.

But maybe I'm not quite as patient or cheap as I was then. Over the years, the toaster had lost the knob for selecting darkness levels (fortunately, my taste in toastiness didn't change) and its white enamel had become chipped and stained. It was looking pretty shabby. No problem, I just hid it behind other, more modern kitchen appliances.

But now the kitchen gods were clearly telling me to move on. I went online to see what a toaster cost -- and I was amazed. You can get one for $8 (two slots, darkness selector, one-year guarantee) or for $250 (also toasts bread). A flyer arrived at my door almost simultaneously: 50 per cent off on a toaster that normally costs $50. Presumably, six or seven times as good as that $8 version, though only one-fifth as good as the $250 one. But it came in brushed aluminum, and my kitchen really needed a bit of upgrading. I made the half-hour walk to the store in brilliant spring sunshine, and bought one.

I haven't taken it out of the box yet. I figure I'll wait until I really feel like a piece of toast; that will make the experience extra-special. I can't help thinking that, if this one is anything like as durable as the old, beat-up Proctor-Silex I'm about to toss into the trash, it will be the only toaster I will ever buy. My heirs and friends will be wandering around my apartment, asking, "Anybody need a toaster?" Nobody will, so it'll go to some thrift shop, to be bought for $5 (maybe marked down to $3) by some homeless guy. Or by some snobbish trendy attracted by its by-then-retro (I hope) look.

I dunno. Maybe I'm overthinking this. It's just a toaster.

You know that thing you did with the staple gun? And the way you got 20 more years outta that toaster with it?

Well worth considering using it on Wolfrum.

Genghis'll probably require the nail gun.

That said, the first 20 slices of toast from a new toaster are always deadly awful. All that plastic and asbestos and killer wire-coating and spray-on preservative comes burning off.

So would suggest some trial runs.

Maybe invite Nebton over. He'll eat anything.

by quinn esq 4/2/2010 - 2:44 am

Thanks for the tip (not the one about nailing dagblog colleagues). One thing I didn't get into: how can any toaster cost $250? Unless it's plated in platinum or darmadtium, or covered in a baby-seal-fetus cozy? I mean, it either toasts bread or it doesn't. No amount of LEDs or electronic sensors is going to change that. Does it toast the bread to a consistent hue? Does it shut itself off when it's through doing so? Does the toast then pop up? Anything else, it seems to me, is gravy. And maybe I don't want gravy on my toast.

by acanuck 4/2/2010 - 3:24 am (re: quinn the eskimo)

"...nailing Dagblog colleagues..."

You might want to rethink your choice of words here.

I've never bought a toaster either. But I don't like toast.

by Orlando 4/2/2010 - 7:20 am (re: acanuck)

First off, yes, I'll eat just about anything*. I'm not sure how that became common knowledge, though…

Secondly, I'm impressed that someone has managed to live 60 years without buying a toaster. I'll be 40 in May, and I've already bought two or three. I've owned at least four. (None of these have ever cost more than $100, though.)

*Excluding mammals (dead or alive), birds (dead or alive), asparagus, onions (unless they're really finely chopped), mushrooms (with a few exceptions), black olives, or bell peppers. I'm a riot to share a pizza with, as you can imagine.

by Nebton 4/2/2010 - 9:39 am (re: quinn the eskimo)

Look. I can only stand so much goddamn tension.

HOW'S YER FRIGGIN' TOAST????

 

by quinn esq 4/3/2010 - 11:22 pm

Hey quinn, sorry to keep you in suspense. The toaster works fine. It lacks the long slot of my old one, so it's a hassle to toast a slice of miche, unless I cut it in two. But aside from that, perfect.

I did toy with a double-blind taste test, before-and-after pictures of the toast -- the whole nine yards. Then I thought, "That's a lot of work just for quinn's amusement. And he's probably just pretending to care how my toaster works." Then days went by, and there were crucial hockey games to watch -- hey, there's another one in 15 minutes.

So you'll have to take my word: good toast. Go Habs go.

by acanuck 4/8/2010 - 7:14 pm (re: quinn the eskimo)

Oh, and I misstated that it was brushed aluminum. It's brushed stainless steel. I fear it'll be a bitch to keep clean.

by acanuck 4/8/2010 - 7:19 pm (re: acanuck)

I was with ya up to the Habs thing.

Bastard.

by quinn esq 4/8/2010 - 9:18 pm (re: acanuck)

They really did suck tonight, didn't they? If New York wins tomorrow, it's all going to come down to a final season-ending game against the Leafs.

Toronto would love nothing more than to deny Montreal a playoff berth. Well, it's the Habs' own damn fault.

by acanuck 4/9/2010 - 2:11 am (re: quinn the eskimo)

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