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    Ball Talk

    By barefooted on Thu, 01/22/2015 - 7:54pm |

    Why are so many people talking about balls all of a sudden? I just don't understand it. Balls have been hanging around for a long time, but now there's all this fuss about how hard they're supposed to be! Did you hear they're even on TV deciding how much balls should weigh? Yes, really!

    And that's not even the half of it, you won't believe this. There are men asking other men how they like to hold their balls! They call it "gripping", but if you ask me it's just shameful. At least they have the decency to admit that how a man likes his balls to feel when he holds them is a personal thing. But for some reason, people are all upset because eleven out of twelve men got together and secretly deflated their balls. Honestly, I didn't even know that was possible!

    And did you know they drop when it's cold? It has something to do with losing weight, I think. Anyway, I just don't know what to make of it all. There they are on TV yammering about hard balls, soft balls, heavy balls, light balls ... and not only that! It sounds like it's against the law to be able to squeeze your balls! They say it's not fair because if you do it in the rain you can hold on to your balls better. I guess when it's cold and rainy it's cheating to drop and squeeze your balls. Unless everybody does it.

    Wait, though, that's not even the worst part. The real reason all those people are mad about balls is because other people pay lots of money to watch men play with them! On regular TV! It's just sinful, I tell you, sinful! Mark my words, one of these days we women will be in charge of such things ... 'cause we know how to handle a man's balls!

    Comments

    The middle of the night and you got me laughing so hard, I forgot about  my dinner in the oven;

    hahahahahah

    For once, and this does not happen often, I am speechless.

    hsahahaha


    by Richard Day on Fri, 01/23/2015 - 1:34am

    Thanks, Dick. It's just a silly, nonsense piece, but it was fun to write. I do think there are some serious issues regarding rules of the game and fair play, and I do believe Brady was involved (deeply). That said, I just couldn't resist the low-hanging fruit.


    by barefooted on Fri, 01/23/2015 - 1:51pm

    Oh yes, deflation is very common with balls, as well as shrinkage. I'm sure that when football is played in the cold fall rains there's quite a lot of ball shrinkage.

     


    by ocean-kat on Fri, 01/23/2015 - 3:34pm

    All I was thinkin was about steroids.

    hahahahah

    Can you imagine having to carry around all those bags of urine?

    hahahahah


    by Richard Day on Fri, 01/23/2015 - 4:03pm

    I don't have to imagine that. When I got out of the computer business I did many different jobs to try to work as little as possible and still pay the bills. For two years I worked at home health care for a rich old man. I spent 48 hours every weekend at his house to give the week day women her weekend off. Just helping him out of bed, got him dressed, got him his meals, helped him to the bathroom etc. Made enough those 48 hours that I had the other 5 days off.

    When he finally had to get a catheter and urine bag it was so humiliating that I think it killed him. It was just too demoralizing for him to have a bag of piss hanging on his walker he just gave up.


    by ocean-kat on Fri, 01/23/2015 - 4:26pm

    Ha! I used to love that "show about nothing", (makes the clip particularly appropriate for this post). But that kind of deflation is due to natural causes - those New England boys deliberately shrank their balls. That's dedication.


    by barefooted on Fri, 01/23/2015 - 6:21pm

    You get the prize for the number of balls kept up in the air in one blog.


    by Oxy Mora on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 12:20am

    Okay then.

    You found your own damn cough medicine.

    hahhahahahahaahh


    by Richard Day on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 12:23am

    No more cough balls for you, Doctor!


    by Oxy Mora on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 12:35am

    It ain't easy bein' cheesy.


    by barefooted on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 12:33am

    Cheese balls, they never falls - certainly not when cold, it's high, tight and outta sight. (unless you like those jockey shorts, which ironically aren't for jockeys)

    Balls are subject to grade inflation, or the soft bigotry of high expectations. And just as reality has a liberal bias, balls usually lean to the left as well - as paraphrased by Wan Hung Lo in the Art of War - something a good secondary will pick up in a tough game.

    But the scenario of 11 or 12 (dis)honest men doing a bag check is technically "balls to the wall". Reminds me a bit too much of Bowie & Mercury, but if that's the way you swing (well, not "you" specifically, obviously), have at it. "Pressure Drop" before 100,000 screaming fans - hardly the "We Are The Champions" one'd expect.

    "Swing low, sweet chariot" - ever wonder what that song was really about? Sometimes you're just dragging 'em home, a bit like Sisyphus but different - more like a donkey in a rut - and you know how them donkeys hang. (certainly not 11 or 12 in a circle jerk)

    So like the proverbial turd in the punch bowl, we got shriveled balls in a Super Bowl. We expected more of our titans. And how did we get to "game ball" anyway? sounds a little mutilated and manipulated - kinda like "last man standing", but with only 1 left, doubt he's too erect. At least I'd be thinking about a doctor more than the next boudoir. Call me a ballless wonder (how many l's in that word?) - haven't followed sports in decades, just those cute ball girls at Wimbledon. But they have a license to handle those orbs.

    Still, while everyone talks about the Qback clutching his pearls/handling his man-thing, what about the special team that's required to kick for him in the balls - wouldn't the soft touch keep it from getting to the upright position? And while the kickoff takes place with each half and touchdown, this is the first time I heard confirmed the jerkoff (AKA circle jerk) takes place before game time. Funny the life lessons sports teach you. Like keep your eye on the ball, learn to keep more than one ball in the air, don't put your balls on the line unless you're willing to back it up... but still in the end, it's only a ball game - tomorrow's another day.


    by PeraclesPlease on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 4:53pm

    Are you trying to say that games played with balls today won't matter tomorrow, anyway? Perhaps, but much like objects in the rearview mirror, future ball manipulations are closer than they appear. Consider the future of humankind itself - despite your left leaning ball assertion, any good kicker will tell you that if you aim for the balls dead center you'll hit the uprights every time. Thus causing mass deflation in the entire ball zone resulting in a diminishing herd of.gamers overall. Tragic.

    There will always be varmints ready to latch on to those low-swing'n donkey chariots. Another good reason to make sure your hands are clean if you let an ass handle your balls. Unless you can prove you're ball-less, (when in doubt, hyphenate), in which case you're already out of the game.

    Unless you're a cheerleader. 'Cause when it comes to spectator sports, boobs beat balls every time.


    by barefooted on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 7:43pm

    I am catching SNL right now.

    I AM LAUGHING.

    IT IS GOOD.

    CATCH IT, NO LINK RIGHT NOW.

    hahahahaha


    by Richard Day on Sat, 01/24/2015 - 11:33pm

    Aw gee, I missed it. But I'm sure they were on the ball!


    by barefooted on Sun, 01/25/2015 - 1:03am

    So, it's Superb Owl 49 Sunday - XLIX for the numerically challenged. The New England Patriots are set to battle the Seattle Seahawks in Arizona, USA. The game footballs have been dusted for prints and are currently secured in a Brinks armored vehicle. Let the overindulging celebrations begin ...

    I am a Carolina Panthers fan (a requirement for NC residency waived only for sufferers of early onset March Madness), and cannot abide the Patriots. I have several resons, but only one sets my hair on fire. They stole the Championship from the Panthers - thus far my team's one and only appearance - on Feb. 1st, 2004 in Houston, TX. Oddly, most people don't remember the 32-29 heartbreaking score. Most people don't even remember Superb Owl XXXVIII at all unless you mention "wardrobe malfunction". That's right, trivia fans, eleven years ago today the entire country lost its mind over Janet Jackson's nipple.

    Kind of puts deflated balls in perspective, doesn't it? GO SEAHAWKS!


    by barefooted on Sun, 02/01/2015 - 5:15pm

    Well, the ball has finally dropped on the "deflate-gate" scandal, and it's taken some of Tom Brady's hot air with it (more probably than not). Yep - looks like the handsome, all-pro quarterback was "generally aware" that someone shrunk his balls.

    We'll see what, if any, punishment is meted out by the NFL in the days to come. A suspension for Brady? A franchise slap? It stands to reason that the league will have to do something, if for no other purpose than to save what's left of its face.


    by barefooted on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 6:18pm

    This opens up the question of whether the Patriots DB realize the formation the Seahwaks were in the the final play of the SB, or did the Patriots steal signals?


    by rmrd0000 on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 6:33pm

    Wouldn't surprise me. But that Seahawks play was the worst call in Super Bowl history (only slightly debatable), so what happened next was practically preordained.

    The questions surrounding whether this was a one-off or a pattern of cheating are reasonable ones, but we'll never know. Adds to the Patriots rep though, which their fans love.

    Oooh ... he has a pre-scheduled Q&A tonight. Will reporters let him get away with "Who, me?"


    by barefooted on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 7:03pm

    Crowd goes wild. YEA, TOM!!! What do you think of the report? BOO!!! I'll tell ya later. YEA!!!

    Sigh.


    by barefooted on Thu, 05/07/2015 - 8:45pm

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