Suddenly, with the Elena Kagan nomination, careerism is a terrible thing.

Friends of Elena Kagan grudgingly admitted on Wednesday that the Supreme Court nominee was unmarried not because of her orientation but because American men are absolutely terrible in bed.

"Maybe we shouldn't have said anything," said an embarrassed law-school classmate of the 50-year-old Solicitor General. "We didn't want for the men Elena's dated to feel inadequate simply because they are."

Trying to stay a step ahead of their rapidly spreading oily public relations disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, today British Petroleum announced a new contest that would guarantee every entrant a free gallon of crude oil.

“When people think of British Petroleum, we want them to think ‘winner!’” said BP spokesman Mark Proegler. “Because for a limited time, we want to make every man, woman and child in America a winner.”

One day in high school, I casually infuriated one of the other boys. (We were all boys, and therefore the place was so full of adolescent macho boneheads that I didn't even notice I was one of them.) He had made a physically aggressive gesture toward me in the parking lot, and rather than simply ignoring him, as a mature person would have, I had responded with a calculated show of disregard, making it insultingly plain that I didn't take his threats, or him, seriously.