The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 3: With helpers like this...

So God finished his business and left for vacation. Adam and the woman hung out in the garden with a particularly clever snake. When Adam was off doing something (don’t ask), the snake asked the woman about what fruit she was allowed to eat. The woman explained what God had said about the toxic properties of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The snake, who was apparently smarter than the people, told the woman that what God had said was false. The fruit of the TKGE wouldn’t kill her; it would give her knowledge of good and evil (which is probably why they called it the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil).

Commentary: A talking snake?

Knowledge of good and evil must of have sounded pretty good to the woman. She ate a fruit and gave some to Adam too. After eating it, Adam and the woman were suddenly ashamed to be seen naked, so they covered their privates with fig leaves.

Commentary: That’s it? That’s what the knowledge of good and evil is all about? Covering your crotch? And who were they afraid was going to see them? The snake?

Then God came back from his vacation and found Adam covering his bits, so God knew that Adam had eaten the fruit of the TKGE because that seems to be the main side effect, and he was really pissed off. Adam then blamed the woman for giving him the fruit, and the woman blamed the snake for beguiling her. As punishment, God amputated the snake’s legs along with those of its descendents.

Commentary: In addition to talking, snakes apparently used to have legs. I wonder how the snake explained what happened to the wife and kids.

For her crime, God sentenced the woman to suffer labor pains and become Adam’s servant, even though she was already his official helper. As for Adam, God denied him any more free lunches. He would have to grow his own crops from here on in.

Adam, who seems a bit clueless, chose this opportune moment to finally name his wife, Eve, which means “living,” for she was to be the mother of all life, excluding of course the birds, the fish, the cows, the creeping things, the plants, the trees, and the suddenly limbless snakes.

Then God expelled Adam and Eve from the garden forever and, having learned his lesson, assigned some cherubs and a revolving sword to guard it.

Commentary: Let me get this straight. God planted the tree in the garden and told the people that its fruit would kill them. The snake told them that it would give them knowledge of good and evil. And the snake is the beguiler here? The talking snake was the only honest one in the whole damn garden. I’m sorry to say it, but so far, God seems like a lazy, lying, sadistic, self-righteous ass with a dominance fetish.

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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