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Rick Santorum declares War on the Wheel, fire & sliced bread

Coming off an impressive showing in Southern states, Rick Santorum is now looking to double-down on his conservative bona fides this week. After earlier stating that he would work to eliminate all pornography from America, Santorum has now come out and stated that such modern conveniences as the wheel, sliced-bread and fire all have to be banned, as well.

“During my travels, I meet many Americans who long for a simpler, more devout time,” said Santorum. “That’s why my Presidency will be about taking America back to the Year 2 or so and giving people true freedom.”

Santorum stated that such modern conveniences as the wheel, fire and sliced-bread have made Americans a weak, sweater-vest-wearing people who cannot do simple things like walk to work and eat raw food on unsliced bread.

Santorum said that a hungrier, colder America where everyone has to walk wherever they go while slicing their own bread will help the economy and put the U.S. Back on the path of Jesus – who reportedly hated wheels and fire, and would have been just appalled by sliced bread.

Santorum also showed he is willing to use his conservative outlook to help solve America’s health care crisis.

“I hear some good things about leeches,” said Santorum.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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