The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Valentine Generator ™

    By Michael Wolraich on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 7:19pm | Humor & Satire

    Ready or not, here comes Valentines Day! You've only just finished breaking your last New Year's resolution, and now you have to find a sincere way to express profound sentiments of passion to your significant other.

    Don't panic. Dagblog is here for you. After producing the groundbreaking New Year's Resolution Generator™, which saved countless readers from certain humiliation, our tireless technological geniuses immediately applied their prodigious talents to an even greater cause: The Valentine Generator™! Simply fill in the boxes below, click the friendly GENERATE MY VALENTINE button, and voila--a unique, unforgettable expression of love.

    This service is free to our readers, but for a mere $69.69, a barbershop quartet of dagbloggers, wearing only diapers and cupid wings, will personally sing your Valentine to your partner. And in a spectacular finale, DF will shoot a rubber-tipped arrow at a pre-selected part of your lover's anatomy. (Disclaimer: dagblog is not liable for injury.)

    As for you pathetic single people, dagblog has not forgotten you. $99.99 gets you an Evening with Joe the Banker, who will regale you with tales of his courageous exploits in the exciting world of derivative finance. Joe is available in men's or women's attire, formal or business casual. (Please tip generously. The President just took away his bonus.)

    IMPORTANT: We encourage readers to enter their valentines in the comments section below. Because the advanced Valentine Generator™ algorithm can be compromised by prior valentine viewing, you must first complete your own valentines before reading the comments.

    adjective
    noun
    noun
    noun
    verb
    noun
    noun
    past-tense verb
    adjective
    body part
    emotion
    verb
    verb
    period of time
    verb    		 verb
    adverb
    verb
    adjective
    noun
    verb
    adverb
    noun
    verb
    noun
    verb
    adjective
    adjective
    noun

    Your valentine...

    To my ,

    You are the of my . I want to with you more than any in the whole .

    The first time we , I felt in my , and I was so that I could barely . I knew that we would together for .

    Whenever you , it makes me and like .

    I will with you until the s and the s.

    Valentine's Day!

    Love, your

     

     

     

    Topics: 
    Humor & Satire

    Comments

    I'll give you $99.99 to keep Joe the Banker far far away from me.

    My valentine, with edits for grammar and a little disappointment at where "Daniel Craig" ended up in the scenario...

    To my lovely day,

    You are the Daniel Craig of my table. I want to kiss you more than any tuxedo in the whole of Paris.

    The first time we swooned, I felt scrumptous in my lips, and I was so trepidatious that I could barely step. I knew that we would lay together for month.

    Whenever you talk, it makes me sing slowly and skip like a handsome man.

    I will ask with you forcefully until the kitchen licks and the lake dances.

    Super Valentine's Day!

    Love, your special friend


    by Orlando on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 9:49pm

    To my hot pink lust, You are the toe of my envelope. I want to mail with you more than any scarf in the whole bar. The first time we satiated, I felt jumbled in my neck, and I was so terrified that I could barely flee. I knew that we would spin together for a month. Whenever you celebrate, it makes me endure slowly and flit like a broken monkey. I will chirp with you joyfully until the diary cheers and the tryst folds. Gentle Valentine's Day! Love, your careful battery

    by CaliforniaPaige on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 9:50pm

    That's almost poetic


    by Michael Wolraich on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 10:06pm

    On behalf of a friend:

    To my fluffy Nyquil,

    You are the phillips head of my haircut. I want to eat with you more than any laundry in the whole ass.

    The first time we drank, I felt disgusting in my patella, and I was so disgruntled that I could barely type. I knew that we would burp together for an hour.

    Whenever you trail, it makes me relish wonderfully and enunciate like a sparse third base.

    I will scratch with you shockingly until the monument disperses and the Q-tip ruins.

    Greasy Valentine's Day!

    Love, your flowing pashmina


    by Michael Wolraich on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 11:10pm

    To my karate-ish Mentos,

    You are the June of my orphan. I want to burn with you more than any koala in the whole saliva.

    The first time we hip-hopped, I felt squeaky in my spleen, and I was so iffy that I could barely conquer. I knew that we would Tsongased together for mule.

    Whenever you bowl, it makes me itch robotly and fall like a stingy armadillo.

    I will laugh with you gayly until the feminists loves and the love loves.

    Womanly Valentine's Day!

    Love, your manly fart


    by littleblackprop... on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 11:45pm

    Bonus points for verbifying Tsongas.


    by DF on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 2:36pm

    Bonus points for remembering Tsongas.


    by quinn esq on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 6:59pm

    To my black aardvark, You are the gun of my textile mill. I want to fall with you more than any left testicle in the whole god. The first time we underdeveloped, I felt major in my right testicle, and I was so warm that I could barely jump. I knew that we would leap together for fortnight. Whenever you differ, it makes me fork haltingly and die like a bright entwistle. I will translate with you sniffingly until the tarantula leaves and the barf screws. Hot Valentine's Day! Love, your yellow newfoundland dog

    by quinn esq on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 1:05am

    Fixing the spaces as always:

    Your valentine...

    To my heartfelt heart,

    You are the box of chocolates of my "it's not you; it's me". I want to throb with you more than any manhood in the whole womanhood.

    The first time we smooched, I felt beckoning in my mons veneris, and I was so ennui that I could barely just be friends. I knew that we would get to third base together for first quarter.

    Whenever you ritually deflower, it makes me penetrate throbbingly and call the next day like a ruby-red family jewels.

    I will recalibrate with you excitedly until the penis symbol exchanges and the bodily fluids expose.

    Lackluster Valentine's Day!

    Love, your florid affection

     


    by acanuck on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 3:51am

    Okay, this wins.


    by littleblackprop... on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 6:09am

    To my astral rock,

    You are the scissors of my paper. I want to drink with you more than any holding cell in the whole desert island.

    The first time we propositioned, I felt reprehensible in my gizzard, and I was so in awe that I could barely run. I knew that we would walk together for endless moments.

    Whenever you crawl, it makes me adulate swimmingly and ululate like a red dark star.

    I will imbibe with you blackly until the town ascends and the speedo squeezes.

    Faithful Valentine's Day!

    Love, your adorable sugar lumps


    by Donal on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 7:19am

    To my graceful peach,

    You are the river of my bell.

    I want to find with you more than any other branch in the whole house.

    The first time we began, I felt cool in my hand, and I was so longing that I could barely flow. I knew that we would dream together for one hour.

    Whenever you pour, it makes me melt smoothly and find like an ethereal door.

    I will open with you tenderly until the cloud whispers and the jellyfish thanks.

    Adorable Valentine's Day!

    Love, your lovely beetle


    by Bluesplashy on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 12:51pm

    My valentine:

    To my sweet credit card,

    You are the notebook of my skyscraper. I want to walk with you more than any kleenex in the whole whipped cream.

    The first time we struggled, I felt bootylicious in my fingernail, and I was so dazed that I could barely gobble. I knew that we would rap together for a month.

    Whenever you snore, it makes me heal patiently and believe like a muscular harmonica.

    I will fire with you conspicuously until the Ben Bernanke masturbates and the central air conditioner whips.

    Black Valentine's Day!

    Love, your slimy TV dinner


    by Deadman on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 2:09pm

     

    I have some questions about this machine Genghis. q

     

    "To my cowardly Genghis,

    You are the Cheney of my Desidero. I want to fight with you more than any Donal in the whole Heffalump.

    The first time we doggied, I felt courageously in my doggie bits, and I was so flambeed that I could barely fart. I knew that we would f*ck together for an endless summer.

    Whenever you fondle, it makes me savage back-break and bite unbelievably fucking hard like old misery guts Mighty Quinn.

    I will bite hard with you arching until the Great One bites and the Orlando fools around.

    Not so bellowing Valentine's Day!

    Love, your asshattish little black propagandizing bastard."

     


    by quinn esq on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 3:21pm

    I have some questions about your psychological condition, old misery guts. g.


    by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 3:35pm

    I just like taking risks. Can you imagine if - instead of "Genghis" - the machine had slotted "Orlando" into that opening salutation? Somehow I envision a blur crossing the border from the South, and then... sleep, blessed, eternal sleep. Still. Chance worth taking. Courageous? Foolhardy? Mentally ill? I leave that to God - and the historians - to decide.

    by quinn esq on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 4:37pm

    I'd never kill anyone. I'm a pacifist. I'd just be passive-aggressively annoying until you wanted to off yourself.


    by Orlando on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 5:46pm

    Amen


    by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 5:56pm

    Just exactly what are you "amen"-ing? Consider your answer carefully. I'm making a list.


    by Orlando on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 6:42pm

    What, are you into being meta-annoying now?


    by quinn esq on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 6:56pm

    My tool box is vast.


    by Orlando on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 7:15pm

    Ah, summer!  I haven't been flambeed like that since.


    by littleblackprop... on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 6:04pm

    LOL


    by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 02/05/2009 - 6:11pm

    To my beige box,

    You are the gun of my skyscraper. I want to leap with you more than any building in the wholecrow.

    The first time we flew, I felt tall in my kneecap, and I was so hate that I could barely see. I knew that we would crytogether for seconds.

    Whenever you table, it makes me sit walking and drive like a tall carrot.

    I will swim with you flying until the potato cries and the Gary touches.

    Blue Valentine's Day!

    Love, your redchicken


    by What The Hell E... (not verified) on Fri, 01/24/2014 - 12:34am