Palidan packed up forthwith on a quest to Cornwall. King Mark had summoned him since Tristan was otherwise disposed. The Moor was always suspicious of foreigners but he had gotten used to the crowd at Camelot.  They represented something bold, something new. All for one and one for all is what I always say.

He mounted Eduardo his trustful steed and began East, when all of a sudden, his horse said:

Its west of here, you idiot.

Palidan thought for a moment and reversed course.

After a mile or so, something struck the knight as rather odd.

Eduardo, did you just speak to me awhile back?

Of course I did shit head. Somebody has to correct your errant ways.  Errant knights, what kind of moniker is that for celebrants of the Roundish Table.  We need correct knights, knights who pursue the right course, not errant courses.

Palidan was terribly confused.  And what is a shithead anyway?  He decided just to ignore the compliment because he was not sure he wanted to reinforce the strange ways of this horse.Palidan had picked up this steed in an Irani market for tuppence.  The horse seemed healthy enough; good feet, good teeth.  Just as he liked his women.

But Palidan recalled that the vendor smiled and gave a great sigh of relief when Eduardo had been released to its new owner.  He had only owned the horse for a fortnight and had not noticed the strange speech patterns of the equine until now.

Eduardo piped up, This is a long ride west and I think a journey like this, on a fine sunny day calls for a song:

OOOOOOh a horse is a horse, of course of course
And no one can talk to a horse, of course
Unless of course the horse of course is the
Famous Senor Ed

GOOOO right to the source and ask the horse
He'll give you the answer that you endorse
He's always on a steady course
Talk to Senor Ed   

Peasants yakity yak the roads and waste your time of day
But Senor Ed will never speak unless he has something to neigh
While errant knights and fair damsels
Will interrupt your listless days
With Mr. Eduardo you will never lose your way.   

OOOOOOh a horse is a horse, of course of course
And no one can talk to a horse, of course
Unless of course the horse of course is the
Famous Senor Ed       

You sing too?

Oh only on sunny days with mild winds and where roads meet fragrant fields.

Oh my God you are a poet too.  This is too much. But shoosh, two riders approach.

Two young knights, late from Wales approached Eduardo and Palidan.  What doest thou
consider when you see a towel head in our midst, in our country? Inquired Thomas of Itch.

I consider it a travesty upon the ground we tread to have to countenance such a sight.

Raise your arms oh towel head, we come to vanquish all Saracens in these lands.

With that the two knights, one riding to his right and the other to his left, came at Palidan

In other circumstances, the two racists would have fared better. But they did not realize the strength of the Moor coupled with the intelligence of the steed.  As Palidan raised his sword
Eduardo sashayed to the left which enabled his knight to strike Thomas on the arm and unhorse him.

Eduardo then sashayed to the right and the other knight came under Palidan's second great thrustimpaling him with the sword's blade.

As Thomas lay upon the ground, he pled for his life.  Why cannot we all get along, white and black, western isles and eastern kingdoms? I say let us throw away all the stink of our racist past and embrace a new beginning of life, liberty and equality.  That is what I always say.

Palidan looked down upon the vanquished and said, boys, you sure change your tune quickly. First you are George Wallace and now MLK.? What are you from Oklahoma? Could it be that this fine speech is just a device?  That your true intents are not what they seem?

Eduardo then addressed the fallen twins.  We shall leave you now. The sword that cut your brother was only recently sterilized so he suffers from no real fever and will recover soon.  Find the turd of the great wart hog and rub it fully upon thy wounds and remember that it was the brave Palidan of Camelot that struck you down on his famous steed Eduardo.

And with that Palidan left to pursue his course west. After a few miles, Palidan inquired of Eduardo.  That was quite the speech oh Persian Steed. Where do you find such fine words?

Oh, Palidan, my previous owner was a pimp in Iran and he used words like this on his girls all of the time.

And what is this then concerning the turds of the great wart hog?

Oh that.  I just made that part up.  I just desired a mental picture of those two blaggards rubbing shite all over each other in fear of fever and worse. I will carry that picture with me for years. Then Eduardo neighed loudly and Palidan laughed and laughed and it had been a good day for both master and horse.

Palidan, Palidan,
Where do you roam
Palidan, Palidan
Far, far from hooooome

Onto the course
As fast we can
Look for the worst
Look for the man

Palidan, Palidan,
Where do you roam
Palidan, Palidan
Far, far from hooooome


Meanwhile, back at Camelot

Blaise is meeting with Merlin and Bedivere in the Room of the Roundish Table.

Tristan and Lancelot have returned with over 300 ounces of gold for the royal chest this morn. Nothing is missing according to our letters of transmittal received last night. Of course two ounces were absent but receipts demonstrate they went toward expenses for the two on their journey. Bedivere said.

Did you ever notice, Bedivere, that Sir Tristan and Sir Lancelot are never found guilty of hoarding what is the King's? asked Blaise.

Merlin responded: Lancelot comes from good blood and so doth Tristan. It is the noble blood that makes a difference.

Blaise said, under his breath, Read noble trusts and irresponsibility toward money that is what nobility is really about.

Merlin piped up, What, what say you Blaise?

Oh, nothing really, just musing about royal blood.

Bedivere continued, We now have over two thousand ounces of gold, enough to carry through all our projects as requested by the King, at least last month.  Half of this money came from shaking down our own knights.  Shameful, shameful. But everyone is warned and on to better things, look forward and not backward is what I say.

So say all of us. And so say all of us.       

Now one of the problems we, the Roman Celts face in these trying times are old pensions due our soldiers. Sometime ago, the powers that be  even let in the peasants who stood with pitchforks at places like Badon onto the list of beneficiaries.  On the one hand the peasants are of good Celtic stock and they do lose blood, sweat and tears upon the ground as much as our cavalry. 

But I became more concerned the other day when Gareth ran in here crying,

THE PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING
THE PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING

I told him to calm down.  That we all knew that. And that is why we never invite them to social events at Camelot.

Then Gareth explained further that the peasants were in fact revolting and burning carts in the street and upending shops and throwing vegetables at each other and all over the place like bononos.

They are all calling for cost of living increases or adjustments.  These are called COLAs. It seems that ale, which was tuppence for a flagon is now fopence for a flagon.  After only fifty years.At this rate, by the year 2020, there shall be no pensions left for anyone.  Not even the cavalry.

So I have sat down with my best scriveners to amend these COLAs.  We have come up with
the RC COLA.  A brand new way of looking at pensions and the beneficiaries of those pensions.

We needed a Public Relations man to travel over the country side to advertise our new program.

Tristan even came up with a song

R CEEEEEE COLA!!!!!
A drink is always good
But teach a man to oast
And he will always have a  toast.
R CEEEEEE COLA!!!!!!

It appears to be doing the trick.  Riots are down. Public hangings are down. And we no longer have to 'out source' our prison system.  And nothing really changed.  The pensions cost no more money than before, but our oast production is up 500%.

A fine story, a tale of true progress in our land, Blaise noted.  But pray tell us Bedivere, what is a bonono?

Now to our new order of business.  Actually two orders, as it were.  First we must do something about Kay.  As Senaschel, he is the primary procurement officer of our kingdom, kind of like how Ike started out in WWI and then again in WWII. But where Ike was honest as the day is long about June 20th, Kay is about as honest as a day is long on December 20th.  Not only do the chits produced by his operation not add up to the amounts of money paid him from the treasury, but I have heard of certain remunerations Kay has been receiving for renting out the Anteroom and the Ante Anteroom as well as many other master bedrooms throughout the castle.  In addition to this is appears that Kay has made monies in a number of different manners than those described and he has in fact purchased his own island off of Italy and plans to retire to a place called Florida in the near future. 

Now I have knighted Beau Manes, in a private ceremony that only Snerf knows about. And he is going to go under cover to catch Kay in the act.  Now Kay grew up with our Esteemed Leader.  The two used to play horsey back together.  They used to mount the same milk maids. They are almost joined at the hip. So we must be very careful.

Beau Manes was chosen because who in the hell is going to ever take him down to the dungeon?

A great plan Bedivere. And this will take care of a number of problems here.  We can start eating mutton again.  I like venison but it gets a little old and tastes wild from time to time. I also wish to congratulate you on your new find of Beau Manes. But could you explain more about this place called Florida?  Blaise was very interested in a place to retire before his own accounting matters would be found out.

The next and last order of business involves the great tourney.  Now we have to come up with a name, a proper name. It will be held just after the feast of The Holy Trinity College Fest.  An entirely new Feast Day proposed by the Bishop of Oxford.