The Mystery Continues; Episode III

The Feast of St. Valentine

Well why are we meeting in the French Count's room, inquired Iseult.

Because I can no longer rent the anteroom, or the ante anteroom for that matter. It is getting so one cannot rely on regular graft anymore. Answered Tristan. You are so lovely tonight and I am not worthy of thy beauty and thy beautious... er  manners. I am a peasant in awe of true blue blood. I am nothing to your everything.

Oh, Tristan, how you do go on. Tittle, tittle, tittle.

God I hate it when she does that, Tristan thought.  But her soft skin and beautiful aromas and her.....Tristan lunged for her with an ache inside hoping to express his ardor.

Now you are scaring me. Iseult shrieked.

Shhhhhhh. Keep it down Tittles. Tristan had a love name for his pet. We do not wish to be found out!!!

Tristan, there is no way I am going to wed a four foot monster who thinks that all peasants are revolting.  Every time I am forced to be with him, he tries to look up my gown. Then he justifies this impious behavior by saying that he is just checking for my chastity belt.

Speaking of chastity, I brought you this fine gift for the Feast of St. Valentines.

Oooooooh, Tristy-Iseult's pet name for her love was Trusty Tristy-you shouldn't have. She quickly unwrapped the gift that had been covered in the finest silk kerchief from the silk road.
Vwella, there was a silver toad.  A beautiful silver toad on the back portion of a gold toad.

Teehee, teehee, tittle tittle.  Ooooooh. What pray tell are the amphibians engaged in here.

The same thing we are about to  engage in anon, said Trusty Tristy with his pantaloons down to his ankles.

Ooooooooh. Tittle, tittle, tittle.

Approximately ten minutes later, as Trusty Tristy's smile began to fade into a short nap, there was a sound coming from down the hall.

Stay here my love, methinks something is up!!!!

Tristan ran down the hall and there in William of Riley's room was another dead body.  Trusty Tristy..er..Tristan ran back down the hall.  Something is afoot here Tittles, you must go back to the Lady's Quarters.  There has been a killing, a murder down the hall.  Quick, I must get the authorities and I do not wish to besmirch your honor.

Oh Tristy, Trusty Tristy, I love it when thou besmirches....

Tittles, obey me.

Tittles...er Iseult immediately stood to attention and, gathering her wraps and her toadies, proceeded the other way down to the hall to her quarters.  God I get so hot when he issues orders.

Running the other way, Tristan quickly grabbed a page and sent him to Bedivere and prepared to wait in Riley's room.  (It always seemed like pages were available at all times in these castles. Tristan himself escaped being a page due to the fact that his childhood was spent mainly in Ireland where they like ale and girls more than pages.)

As he sat on the bed next to the body, William of Riley came to his room.

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT.  William thought very highly of himself at all times and always feigned haughtiness in capital letters. What is a Welshman doing in my diggs?

Oh lighten up Lothian. No wonder they call you Lothians. Cannot you see that bad deeds have been accomplished here, in your room?  And while we are at it, where have you been and how long have you been away from this room and who used to reside in the corpse that is now cold and lifeless and on your floor?

Just then Sir Rathbone appeared with Watson and Sir Bedivere.

You might wish to answer the questions put before you by the Welshman. Sir Rathbone said whilst pointing the accusatory finger at Riley.

Well, I never. See. No fair and balanced here. Not in these parts. This is just another example of politics, vicious politics.  Hey, lets hang a Lothian for this.  We can wrap up our investigation and put on a show.

Phew. What a stink I smelleth here.  Justice in Camelot.  Camelotians are all liars.  Except for Sir Lieberman, I never hear one truth coming from their mouths.

Stop, said Bedivere, and I mean right now.  Sir Tristan is a Welshman. Sir Rathbone and his chief servant, Watson are from Dover.  There is no reason for you not to act civilly and answer our questions or you shall be held for obstructing justice.

Sure, sure. That is how you stole the election woe so many years ago.  Sword in the stone? Who is kidding whom?  Everyone knows that the only stone involved in that selection was gold in color and promised to those who backed the Camelotian. The only place where the truth is recited is on the old Fox Road to the Lothian Enclave. And you know it.

We would have cut taxes, for everyone.  (Based upon what they pay in of course) And there would have been a trickle down effect so that the peasants living down stream would still get their water, just a little dirtier.  And everyone knows that the peasantry live in filth and so they are used to filthy water.  Just like when  w's mother made clear in New Orleans.

Snerf, who had just arrived turned to Macaca and asked: What is a new Orleans.  Isn't the only one in France.  They are not moving to my neighborhood are they?  Macaca shrugged. Geez these humans are obtuse, the hominid thought. And what is a w?

But would the Camelotians listen to reason, Nooooooooooo. Of course not, because they are all liberal vampires who  prefer sex without Luffas and think that all the aristocracy should be bodily turned upside down to find extra tax monies.  I tell you, if the taxes get any higher, well, well, I am just not going to come to work anymore.  I mean, I mean, it just will not be worth it anymore.....

Sir Bedivere had had enough. Guards. Guards. Beau Manes and a fellow guard appeared in the doorway.  Take this Lothian to the dungeon at once and make sure he hits his big fat head on the doorway as you take him out.

Sir Rathbone turned to Sir Bedivere after Riley was gone and there was time to cool off.   Methinks Sir Bedivere that this Riley, however distasteful in voice, manner and guise did not perform this offal deed. Methinks a deed like this is usually done by one brave of heart, however evil that heart may beith. Riley has no real heart.  If you booed at the right time a yellow scoundrel like Riley would be under the bed within a second and it would not matter how small the space was under such a bed.

With that Sir Bedivere began to laugh and laugh and roar with laughter as did Tristy er.. Tristan and Snerf and Watson.  (Sir Rathbone rarely laughed do to his problem with the pipe, so to speak)

I know, I know.  He did not do it.  And he could not have done it. But I had all these witnesses here and they were mostly visitors to Camelot and know one, and I mean no one, questions the sword in the stone.  Ever!!!!  Then Bedivere burst into even greater laughter.

All right. Let us examine th body.  Does anyone here recognize the poor lost soul?

Snerf looked and immediately recognize the corpse as that of Sir Goth, late friend of Sir Lagamor and enemy of King Lot and all Lothians.  Sir Goth lost his entire family in a raid by Lot's troops a year or so before Badon. Goth had been sent with Fathead Dobbs to the SE to pursue all the Angles and had returned due to a wound in his thigh.

Good Grace said Rathbone as he approached the body.  He noticed that Goth was on his back and a look of horror covered his face.  Just under his chin was a small dart.  The kind the Picts used up north. They had blow guns of a sort. Rathbone had been familiar with this device because in the old days he had served in a Roman Guard just south of Hadrians Wall and he knew the brutality of these sub men. Screaming and shrieking like Banshees. No culture.  Really fine whiskey, but no culture and they wore all those offal tattoos and they smelled funny.

This case was becoming darker and darker and it is not even the narrator's fault. Rathbone explained the situation to the principals and then stopped.  Tristan, what were you doing that you happened by when you did?

I was down the hall in the Frenchman's room, er...lingering.

Oh.  Sir Rathbone was fully aware of what lingering as a code meant, having been in the Roman Guard and having to bunk with the Greeks.  But he was sure Tristan liked girls.

Oh, forgive me Tristan but I had to ask.  Did you notice anything when you first came in?

There was a purple coat over there. I ran out to...er..grab a page to send for Sir Bedivere and when I came back it was gone.

Page. What page? Bedivere inquired.

But is that not how you ended up here?  Did not a page come and fetch you? asked Tristan.
Just then it occurred to Tristan that he had been had.  

That was an imposter.  I thought him a page because of his dress and his height but in point of fact he had too deep a voice....he was a dwarf.  Oh dear Jesus, my Lord and Savior.  

All at once they knelt and performed the Sign of the Cross.  Well Snerf had to be coaxed a little by Watson, but just the same.

Now, think carefully, hath anyone of you seen a dwarf at the Castle Camelot?  During the last few days.

The troupe.  The troupe has at least two dwarves. (I figure if you have one wharf, and two warves, you might as well have two dwarves.

Figuring that it was better to have a dwarf in the hand than two in the bush, let us seek this 'troupe'.  Where are they staying.

Tristan who was the entertainer of his day, so much so that some referred to him as Frank, spoke up.  The troupe comes twice a year and entertains tonight for the celebration of the Feast of St. Valentines Day.  Come, I will take you to them.

They moved on down the spiral staircase at the end of the hall to the floor just one story higher than the dungeon.  This was where the entertainers stayed.  Many desks and mirrors to aid in applying make-up.  Racks for hanging costumes.  And pictures of semi naked knights. A lot of free thinkers so to speak in these troupes.

Tristan pointed to the corner chest.  A big oaken chest with a greenish hue to it.  Upon closer examination, Snerf noticed the slime.  Just like the kind he had to clean up in the rafter room. Always the peasants that do the clean up around here. Slimy, ugly dirty work. And here I am, the top of the tops as far as peasantry and I will bet my left foot that I will be cleaning this room up as well before it is all over.

Sir Rathbone put his gloves on and gently lifted the unlocked lid.  Sure enough, there was another green slimy creature lurking inside the chest. Sir Bedivere was aghast and actually shrieked.  He had not even shrieked at Badon.  But this was disgusting and frightening at the same time.

At first they all stepped back, but Tristan took heart and came closer but with his sword drawn. The Slime in the chest was still. Not wishing to dirty his sword which had magical qualities, much like his other sword, he grabbed a prop hanging over the chest and prodded the substance.

Nothing. No reaction from the jello like substance.

SIX BELLS SIX BELLS SIX BELLS

That is Greenwich time is it not? Inquired Sir Rathbone.  

Sure, Govner. Announced Snerf, because he wanted to sound knowledgeable and he liked saying Govner.

Tristan noted that the troupe should be back from practice any minute.  Sir Bedivere assigned posts inside and outside the dressing room.

The troupe began trooping in. Satchel was the leader and as he entered he noticed Tristan. What Ho Tristan.  What is happening?

Oh we just have a few questions here for ya Satchel. There have been some irregularities today.

For instance is anyone missing from your ensemble today?

Oh, Geez, I ah do not think so. No everyone showed up for rehearsal.

Did all the little people show, Satchel?

Yeah, all three showed up.  Larry, Mo and Curly.  They did their triage on time and in form.
Here, here they are now!!!

Three dwarves came through the door. The one named Larry took one look at Tristan and ran away.  Away that is into the arms of Beau Manes.  Oh, oh.

Sir Rathbone, called Tristan, this is the little person that I thought was a page this afternoon.

Very well done Tristan.  Larry is it?

The dwarf nodded.

You want to share anything with us.

I was paid to do it by Sir Largo.

Do what, exactly Larry?

I was to sneak upstairs on the level with Sir Largo's quarters and wait outside at two bells. I was to dress as a page.  I was then to tell whoever I saw after that that I had seen William of Riley coming out of the room.  When I saw Sir Tristan, I freaked out and I was tongue tied.  When he gave me instructions to look for Sir Bedivere I merely nodded and ran away.

Did you see anyone else up there before you met up with Sir Tristan or afterwards?

No.

Come here, Sir Rathbone led the little person to the chest of the green slime.  Whose chest is this?

This chest right here?

We have been at this for sometime now Larry.  Do not play games with us.  We are not engaged in dice.  And I have heard of cases where little people go down into the dungeon and are never heard from again.

Ok, ok. Give me a second so that I may catch my breath.  Larry takes a deep breath.  Sir Largo brought this down around noon today.  Just after the troupe left for rehearsals.  I pretended to have forgotten something and came back to let him in. Then he took my key and told me to scram.

Have you seen Sir Largo since noon?

No, I have not.  I was to meet him following the show tonight.

Larry, you are going to go ahead with the show. Do you understand?

Yes, Govner.

Satchel, do you understand you are to go ahead with the show as if nothing happened?

What happened? Asked Satchel

Exactly finished Sir Rathbone.

The investigatory team proceeded to the Room of the Roundish Table to discuss the plan for that night.