Lancelot and Palidan were proceeding east having ditched their previous dates at the inn.  Eduardo began neighing again.  His laugh became more and more uproarious until Palidan was having trouble staying on the saddle.  

All right, all right.  Everybody makes mistakes. How were we to know.  How really were we to know, after all? Noted Palidan.

Senor Eduardo straightened up. No you choose not to see what is there to see.  Here I am with salt and pepper, the true lovers of the fifth century.  Greatest of all fodder for the troubadour, less only Tristan himself, and they are lucky to have escaped with the family jewels they were born with, narrowly escaping two skanky chicks.  Stick with dragons and ogres after this you two. It will be safer. HEEHAW HEEHAW HEEHAW

Oh cut that out, you sound like a jackass.

Look who is calling whom a jackass.

With that Lancelot roared with laughter.  Palidan, let us quit while your nag is only slightly ahead.

Three out of four mammals were now laughing at once.

The shadows grew long and the two knights had a least another day's journey.  They chose a glen at the edge of the forest and set up their little pup tents.  Palidan was much less worried about sleeping on the ground but gathered leaves for a bed and both sought sticks for a fire.

Dried deer butt does not sound so bad tonight.  And there is not a cloud in the sky. Starry starry night ahead.

As they warmed themselves in front of the fire, eating their snacks with a few free apples, they watched the stars. Did you pray to Allah prior to your Epiphany Moor?  

Allah will not be invented for another century LL. We prayed to many gods. A much more civilized religeon really.  Your cannibalistic mass is so strange.  Eating of the body and drinking of the blood of your god. And then, of course the fact that you have three gods and claim to be monotheistic.  Strange.

Well PD, we are part of the Pelagian Heresy and we really do not believe the three gods at all but that is another story.  The Mass is a little different every time because there are so many different rites involved depending upon the feast day and the priest assigned to the service.  I never pretended to be a theologist. I just follow custom and my prayers are usually answered, so I figure what the hell?  With that he blessed himself.

I had very few prayers answered LL and I was in some trouble a fortnight ago and I prayed to your Jesus and I was saved.  And of all the gods I have attempted to worship, the Christ appears to be the most just.  Treat others in the manner in which you would like them to treat you.I have never heard that before.  But I still do not understand why you must pretend to eat of his body and drink of his blood.  It is all so barbaric.

With that both blessed themselves, solemnly and spoke no more of the fantastic.

After lying to each other of deeds never done and making some wishes upon a few streaking meteors, the two fell asleep. Senor Eduardo mosied over to Palidan, Moor, Moor, wake up, wake up.

What? Why do you never sleep?

Did you ever try to sleep standing up?

You keep this up and I am going to start tying you up at night. What is it?

There is a light in the forest five hundred yards from here. There are satyrs dancing and the evil King Lot is with them for some reason I cannot understand.

Oh why do these things have to happen at night.  It is getting harder and harder to get a decent nights sleep.

Palidan arose and woke Lancelot. Follow me, just the swords should do LL.

The adventurers, followed by Senor Eduardo, snuck through the forest and saw the hub hub through the twigs.  There was a rather large fire burning hot in the star filled night and these strange creatures, half men and half goat were dancing around it.  There must have been eight of these genetic experiments in celebration. The evil Lot with three of his henchmen were clapping.

If you are happy and you know it clap your hands
If you are happy and you know it clap your hands
If you are happy, happy , happy
and you really wish to show it
If you are happy and you know it clap your hands.

If you pray to the god of money
Clap your hands
If you pray to the god of money
Clap your hands
If you pray to the god of money
And you really love your honey
And you really think its funny
Clap your hands.

If you wish to rape a virgin
Clap your hands
If you wish to rape a virgin
Clap your hands
If you wish to rape a virgin
And kill her while you do it
Clap your hands

Lancelot looked at Palidan.  Something is rotten in the forest this night PD.

Just then a large black cat came among the satyrs, roaring and then scenting all around the perimeter where the festivities were taking place. Roaring and roaring and roaring.

I am not sure why, but I think Eduardo, you better go back and untie Suzie and bring her back here. We may need to a quick getaway.

Senor Eduardo took off quietly and the knights crept closer to the activities. Shortly three hooded figures approached the center with a young woman tied to a plank.

Lot signaled for the muzzle to be taken off the virgin so that she could scream. And he began to sing:


If I only had a virgin
yada yada yada yada dadadadada
All day long I'd
Doodle diddle doo
and deedle deedle deedle dee
yada yada yada, yada dadadadadadada

Now I have a virgin
yada yada yada yada dadadadada
All night long I'll
Doodle diddle doo
And deedle deedle deedle dee
yada yada yada yada dadadadada

King Lot stood erect without his pants on, and then stood up.

Quick Lancelot. And the two ran to the place of the Virgin and stole away with her.  They had completely taken the participants by surprise.  

Lancelot had some strange hemp given him by Merlin and he threw it at the cat.  The cat scarfed it up and reaching for a hat on the ground, the feline began dancing and dancing and singing as the knights ran to their horses:

Once I was just in the wild
Then I was caught as a cat
And I had a hat
And I was the cat in the hat

And then I was angry that I was caught
Trapped by that terrible evil Lot
But now I feel freer than naught
And I will terrorize that nasty Sot.

With that the giant cat stopped the comedy routine and jumped on King Lot. Ripping and tearing and clawing and other terrible things that huge cats do.  And King Lot was screaming and crying and pleading and all the other things yellow coward republicans do as soon as they find themselves caught by the authorities breaking the law.  

I have constitutional rights, was the last thing ever heard from King Lot.

After a brief argument over who got to ride with the babe, salt and pepper went back to camp, cleaned up and headed east in case somebody was following them.

Meanwhile back at Camelot...

The show was just beginning for the Feast of St. Valentine.  Leonardo had already been hit ten times by the executioner.

The three dwarves began their shtick. Tumbling and rolling and hitting each other over the head.Kind of like the goings on at  Representative Boner's caucus meetings of late.

Out in the audience, Sir Largo had appeared and was sitting at a table with Sir Lodegrance. They were planning their next tax legislation.

When all of a sudden, Larry stood up and said, that is him over there.  But he was not pointing at Largo and Lodegrance. He was pointing at another table.

Tristan immediately ran to the table indicated by the dwarf.  It was the kiddies' table. There was the nine year old Mortimer, step-brother to Gawain.  Just as Tristan got there, Mortimer had lit little Alicia's hair on fire with a candle. Tristan quickly dowsed the hair with water and gave young Mortimer a thump on his hand.  Mortimer cried out like the spoiled brat coward he was.

At the same time Rathbone and Bedivere lunged toward Largo, who immediately rose to flea as Lodegrance tripped him and held Largo on the floor.  Lodegrance, father of Gwenivere, had been in on the plot with Rathbone and Bedivere. Bedivere announced:

Sir Largo, you are under arrest for the murders of Sir Goth and Sir Lagamor. Guards, take Largo down to the dungeon without delay or deference. From across the room Bedivere called to Tristan to bring young Mortimer to the Room of the Roundish Table.

A meeting was held that night at the Roundish Table. Present were Rathbone, Bedivere, Tristan, Snerf, Watson and Larry with Mortimer.

What happened Mortimer?

None of your business Bedi boy. By the by is it not time for all of you olders to be hitting the sack?

At that moment the King walked in, red with anger and a bit of wine. King Arthur had visitation rights with regard to his putative son. Every other month as well as major feast days.  

You are the putative son of your King and if you wish to play with that designation, you do it at your own risk.  

Of course everyone rose at the entrance of the grand ruler, including the brat.
Now tell them what happened.

I didn't mean no harm. No harm at all.  Largo made me do it. What was I to do.  He said he would lie to my mother.  All he wanted to do was play with my green slime monster.  The one Mummy gave me. And he said if I did, he would not tell mummy about the..er..thing.

When did you give him this slime, Mortimer? Asked the King.

Tuesday last.  

Had this slime monster ever hurt anyone before?

Never.

Never?

Well a few peasants went missing but besides that nothing. No harm to none.  That I knew of anyway.

Why would Mummy give you something so disgusting.

Oh, you know father, it was just her way of saying that she truly loved her Mortimer.

King Arthur sighed.  I will need you to answer more questions later Mortimer.  If I ever hear that you have talked back to Sir Bedivere or any other knight in my Castle Camelot, I shall see that you spend the rest of your childhood in Juvey.  Do you understand?

Yes.

Do you truly understand?

Yes Sir.

All right, Master Watson will escort you to your new quarters.

Sire, Bedivere stated after Watson and Mortimer left, Sir Largo has demanded a trial by combat.

A trial by combat is Largo's right.  But the date of that trial is not writ in stone as they say. He shall stay in the dungeon for awhile, let us say.  Meanwhile, Sir Bedivere, you shall confiscate all of his land and all of his other property.  And you shall see that Blaise writes down all the proceedings of the day.

Meanwhile outside the Castle Camelot outside in the distance, a wild cat did growl....
Two riders were approaching, and the wind began to howl.