Camelot had a lot going on inside those walls....

Almost everyone was in the Room of the Roundish Table. There was a special presentation to be made. And a special announcement.

We are finally at peace in our southeastern quarters. We sent our greatest ambassador, the Marquis de Sot, from our lands in France. We are a peace with the Angles and we did it through hard fighting and finally with negotiations. Here to present our new treaty is the grand Marquis.

I am tho happy to prethent thith evidenth of our grand victory in our courageouth warring with the Angleth. We have peathe in our time.

Hurray, hurray, hurray.  Cried the knights.

Gareth turned to Gawain: He sounds like that senator from Alabama.

No the Alabama senator sounds more like that Tweety Bird. Besides that Marquis has the French accent besides the lisp.

And now I would like to present the Royal Medal of Freedom and Battles to the single greatest hero of our War with the Angles.  Sir Fathead Dobbs.

All the knights rise and applaud.

Sir Dobbs is in a litter kind of in the center of the Roundish Table.  

This great knight led his soldiers to victory and several battles suffering the rain of arrows and spears and those strange four letter words. Sir Bedivere reached over the table and rather uncomfortably hung the necklace with the medal over Sir Dobbs head.

Sir Dobbs smiled, at least that is what everyone in the room thought, as they applauded the stricken knight once again.  Fathead was actually grimacing in pain because Sir Bedivere had inadvertently knelt on his bad leg.  

Do you have anything you would like to say Sir Dobbs at this great moment.

Qoiept[qiyerqtyu))&%%()$#$##@*(*&(pwoiepptoeyyyyyeiqpwpqotiuotiuotuoiutiou

Translated: What the fuck are you idiots doing. The Angles will never going away. Why just on the way up here I saw an Inn with a sign: Welcome to England.  This is the dumbest thing this king has ever done.  It was that tusk in his arse, I swear to almighty God.

At that moment, Fathead lifted his arm and gave everyone the finger, so to speak.  Of course it was his nonexistent left arm, but that made everyone much more comfortable.

Again the soldiers cheered their wounded hero.

The litter was then picked up by four of the knights and taken to a padded room at the suggestion of Merlin, who was the only one present with a degree in psychology.

The Quest for the Holy Pail continues...

Lancelot bivouacked just outside a forest, where all important things happen in these types of sagas. His band of merry mammals (mostly mammals cause nobody really paid much attention to the birds and they all slept in the trees anyway) were used to sleeping in the forest. I mean they were really 'at home' so to speak.  Anyway Lancelot was in a deep sleep when a silent figure in a black robe appeared and woke our hero from his sexual dreams. Now sexual dreams were not much discussed in religious tomes at the time.  There is no intent after all and it would be many centuries before Thomas Aquinas could have the time and inclination to make you feel guilty about anything. Although Augustine, who had his own VD issues, had written much during the period about his peepee which had been free to use on a more than regular basis during his youth, but that is another story.

The figure startled Lancelot, who was still pure in heart after confession, communion and a bath.

It is time for us to have a discussion, the figure noted.  As a matter of fact, we must have this discussion before you are to many days into your new rebirth. We must see if you have really examined this decision or if you are only regressing to the third grade. I mean how conscious are you really as far as this New Lancelot thing? You have not been tested.

Oh sure, you will always save the maiden and slay the dragon. You will slaughter the 'barbarians' as they attempt to escape the wall into 'your sire's' kingdom. You will always be courteous to the peasants and especially to their children. You are good to your mare. And you always follow the rules of chivalry.

Supposedly you will now eschew the nuns and remove yourself from the bordellos. And our age has not reached the point where the eating of meat is some sort of sin as it is now in certain eastern climes.

But you must now take a walk with me and enter into some real discussions concerning the human heart and the human soul.

Lancelot had no idea who this entity was or what he wanted or what he was talking about.  He arose from his resting place and began to walk with HIM.

WHO ART THOU? Our hero inquired.

I AM HE WHOM YOU SHUN.

This is not going to be easy is it? Lancelot pined.

You are proud Lancelot. You are proud of your physical abilities. You are proud of your keenness in the face of the enemy. You are proud of your honors and your medals and those things bestowed upon you by members of your class. Is this not the first sin?

I am proud of my decisions to use my prowess, my powers to do right.  I am proud that I make the decisions. I am proud that I can follow Our Lord Jesus Christ, my Savior.

But is it not true that Pride is the First Sin?

But without pride, I can not assist those who need.  Without pride I cannot represent my country and my kin. Without pride I would have no confidence. I would whither and others would go without.

Ah, thou thinkest you are a philosopher of sorts.

I have read and been lectured to.

What of covetousness?
I covet nothing. I have everything I need or could ever use. I have the estates of my father and my father's father. I have health and strength.

Then why do you participate in the jousting and the games? Why do you always strive to win? You know that El Papa doest not like the games. That your Arthur holds these games only when the Archbishop is away.

I participate for the fun of it, for the comradery and  for the competition. When I participate, the other knights strive harder.  Like Tiger Woods.

All right, I shall skip Envy and Guttony. They seem to have no relevance here. Sloth does not seem to apply either.

But you doth like the prettiest of the sex, doth thou not?

I have but one love in that sense.  My sins of the past include lechery from time to time, but those days are over

over over
no good times
no bad times
there's no times at all
just the new york times

Getting a little ahead of yourself are you not?

You are beginning to act upon me like a diuretic. I shall return shortly. Our hero does his duty in the forest and returns.

What if I should offer you immortality, Sir Lancelot?  You feel the aches and pains of early aging now, do you not? And you would not have to linger in the woods to do your business like the other fauna. After all, did not your Yaweh created all this for you and your kin? Did not your Father in heaven give you dominion over all you see? And yet you must go into the woods daily, your women suffer from childbirth, you can become as injured as any startled deer dashing into a hole in the forest floor and hobbling for the rest of its short life. And what about your need to feed yourself on the flora and fauna?

I shall have my eternal life as promised by My Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

Well let us have something to eat. And with that a Subway Shop appeared on the horizon and the two entered for some respite.

At the same time as these events were unfolding, Sir Sundance was proceeding to the east and heard a

HO HO HO

Oh hell, I have come upon the wrong quest. (Blesses himself) There are so damn many quests going on in these sagas, it is hard to keep them all straight. Besides, I figure I am at least 150 miles from where I should be at this point. But go with the flow I always say.

Ack ack said Macaca. Macaca always said ack ack because he sometimes thought of himself as a chicken and because of his strange vocal chords.


But Sundance proceeded toward the sound anyway because he knew the laws of Chivalry anyway and knew his duties now that he was part of the knighthood.

On the way he noticed the salad strewn about the grounds and stopped to sup with Macaca who really enjoyed smashed tomatoes, although he usually preferred to smash them himself. After receiving sustenance and taking a short nap, our new hero proceeded toward ho ho ho and saw this huge giant sitting and speaking with Beau and Sir Quixotic.

Upon seeing the new visitor, our giant stood with a menacing look upon his face and his hands on his hips-no one really understood why he always posed like that, a little on the femmy side if you ask me- and began ranting:

WHO GOES THERE, AND WHAT IST THOU BUSINESS HERE IN MY REALM

Oh sit down, Sir Quixotic ordered, having had a great deal of experience with giants and maniacs. He is one of us.

Why did not I see him before with you?

He comes from where we come from, Camelot to the east. He is Snerf, our friend and colleague.

Oh all right. The giant sat down and put his disgraced head in his hands as Snerf arrived and dismounted.  Macaca immediately leapt to the giant and sat on his shoulder.

What is this beast?

Not a beast, just my little friend answered Snerf.

The giant was confused, but definitely took to the monkey, so to speak-not in any disgusting manner of course.

I loathe my life
I will give myself up to complaint
I will speak from the bitterness of my soul
I will say to god: Do not put me in the wrong
Let me know why you oppose me.

                    
Woe is me. Woe is me. Alas and alack. I am big and ugly and have no friends to speak of, unconsciously stroking his monkey-that is Macaca of course. 

Snerf spoke up. Giant, I know what it is like to be shorter and ugly. I once had a hunchback and the beginnings of a wart on my nose and no one paid me any mind. But that has all changed and I am no longer a peasant with communist leanings and I am slowly becoming a member of society and a contributor to society. And you can too.

But how, oh how, woe is me, alas and alack.

Well people find their rebirth in different ways. Lancelot has confessed his sins and is on a holy quest. For me it was an angel of the Lord (blesses himself) and for others it may be the simple act of joining a health club and getting all your meals off of the internet. The importance of all this is in ourselves, inside us, that is where we must find the will to change.

But this all does make me feel better. Say, just as an aside, if you are all from Camelot why do you not have English accents?

Well that is a long story, but I will tell you this, if you go to the southeast of this grand island you will find some of these English accents. But it will take centuries before it is perfected on most of the island and even then the Scotts will never really learn how to speak properly.

So the giant was well satisfied and was so happy to talk to anyone that he gave the three a portion of his treasury-although they would have to pay it back in two years and if the entire sum were not returned with 2% interest compounded, they would be forced to sign a new note at 4%.

And the three left for the east. And the giant joined a health club and exercised moderately and watched his diet; eating all those fine vegetables and not throwing them at strangers anymore and he found a sweet red nymph and lived happily ever after.

And the green knight? What became of him? Ah, that is another story.