quinn esq's picture

    The Best Quiz America Ever Saw. Ever.

    By quinn esq on Tue, 06/02/2009 - 11:04pm |
    Nationalism. It irritates the hell outta me, and I think it's pretty much the most destructive force left on the Earth. However. I also recognize the argument that different nations and their citizens can have somewhat different national characteristics. Which is what we'll be exploring in today's... QUIZ! (DickD, sit down and stop shouting. And no, Minnesota is not the right answer. To any question. Ever.)

    Now, I get asked about the Canadian thing quite a bit. Some have suggested I should be sent from TPM to a frozen hell for my commenting sins. Then they stop... and think... redundant, right? And in truth, I'm not much of a Canadian nationalist. I've spent as much of my adult life in the USA and UK as I have in Canada, and my family is spread across 3 countries. Even today, I'm not overly-enthused about Canada's anthem, flag, Constitution or political leaders.

    And yet... and yet... Canada does have universal health care, gun control, solvent banks, gay marriage, it's in Kyoto, has an energy surplus and a long tradition of peacekeeping. So, maybe there's something to this national characteristics business. What's given me the nudge to blog on this is that Canada just bought 12.5% of G.M. Which means it's probably time we get to know each other a little bit better. Who knows, that old saying - "What's good for G.M. is good for America" - may need a new coat of paint. Now. As Mrs. MacPherson used to say, "What better way to learn than through a quiz? Eh, children?" Well, what better way indeed? 

    Here's how it's played: I drew up a list of Canadian singers, actors, inventors and action figures that most Americans will know. I then set out choices which will help in highlighting our different national characteristics. Your job? Pick out the Canadians. It starts easy, gets harder, and the points rise accordingly. And yes, I may use the occasional trick.

    ANSWERS AT BOTTOM OF POST. DON'T BE LOOKIN' IF YOU DON'T WANNA BE KNOWIN'.

    AND NO USING WIKIPEDIA. There's no benefit to you from cheating. Other than gloating. And getting a higher score. And probably succeeding in life, vs. totally failing.

    PART I. TWENTY REALLY FREAKIN' EASY ONES, JUST SO WE ALL GET SOME POINTS ON THE BOARD, EH? 2 POINTS APIECE. NOW, LET'S PLAY... FIND THE CANADIAN!

    1- Star Trek's Manly & Decisive Captain, James T. Kirk (William Shatner) or... Chief Engineer and Totally-The-Biggest-Whiner-Ever, "Scotty" (James Doohan)?

    2- Actress/Adultress Pamela Anderson, famous from Baywatch and the whole Tommy Lee sex video thing, or... Lucy Maud Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables?

    3- The great economist John Kenneth Galbraith, author of The Affluent Society, standing 6' 9" tall and noble of bearing, producing another fine economist as his son, and ultimately living to age 97, or... Malcolm Gladwell, pop sociologist who has written the so-called "books," The Tipping Point, Blink and Outliers?

    4- The inventors of the hand-held electronic device, the Blackberry, or... the long-haired hippie environmental founders of Greenpeace?

    5- Torture-freak Jack Bauer of 24 (Kiefer Sutherland) or... cosmic e-hero and Savior of us all, Neo, from the Matrix (Keanu Reeves)?
     
    6- Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) or... Big Fat Loveable John Candy (Johnny LaRue, Dewey Oxberger, Yosh Shmenge)?

    7- Top-notch investigator Samantha Bee of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, or... bedpost-notching Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall) of Sex & the City?

    8- The creators of the joyous and transformative Cirque du Soleil, or... the inventors of the sit-on-your-fat-asses-and-try-to-remember-useless-facts game, Trivial Pursuit?

    9- "America's Sweetheart," Mary Pickford, or... "Canada's Snowbird," Anne Murray? (Ok... may need to work on these.)

    10- Social critic Naomi Klein (No Logo & The Shock Doctrine), or... Nationalist Socialite, Charles "Krazier Than A Shithouse Rat" Krauthammer?

    11- Wrestler "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, or... Bret "the Hitman" Hart?

    12- Selfish Young Republican Alex P. Keaton of Family Ties (Michael J. Fox), or... "Uber-Wimp" Chandler Bing of Friends (Matthew Perry)?

    13- Lookalikes Lily Munster (Yvonne De Carlo), or... Celine "Please God, Won't Somebody Kill Her" Dion?

    14- Lorne Michaels, creator/producer of Saturday Night Live, or... James Cameron, director of really REALLY big shows like Titanic, Terminator and Aliens?

    15-  Show-off architect Frank Gehry with his Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, or... Seller of useful household products, The Fuller Brush Man?

    16- Master of Scottish & Liverpudlian accents, Mike Myers (Wayne's World and Austin Powers), or... The very loud Jim Carrey (Dumb & Dumber and Ace Ventura)?

    17- Ellen Page of "Juno," or... Rachel McAdams, of "Mean Girls"?

    18- Margaret Atwood, or... Saul Bellow?

    19- James Gosling, creator of the programming language "Java," or... another guy named Gosling, "Ryan" Gosling, an actroid who has starred as a Neo-Nazis Jew, a crack-smoking teacher, and a guy named Lars who falls in love with a blow-up doll.

    20- Bob & Doug McKenzie (I donno their real names, who does?) from "The Great White North," or... Leslie Nielsen from Airplane?

    Just like being back in school, eh? C'mon... Turn it up.  


    PART 2. TEN MUSIC QUESTIONS. 20 POINTS!

    Pick out the Northern songwriter in the following 5 pairings:

    i-   Big Yellow Taxi or...  Jesus Take The Wheel? 
    ii-  American Woman or...  Southern Man? 
    iii- Born To Be Wild or...  Woodstock?
    iv- Takin' Care of Business or...  Rockin' in the Free World?
    v-  Ohio or...  The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down? 


    vi- David Byrne of the Talking Heads, or... Leonard Cohen?

    vii- Sarah McLachlan, founder of all-female festival Lilith Fair & fund-raiser for abandoned animals, or... Country twang-thang (and, amazingly, born with a belly-button), Shania Twain (50 million albums sold. Jesus. I can't believe that.)?

    viii- The band that brought you "Wake Up" and "Laika" and the whole Neon Bible, Arcade Fire, or... that Sk8er Boi-chick, Avril Lavigne?

    ix- Crooner Michael Buble, or... Croakers, Nickelback?

    x- Producer Daniel Lanois, who did "Oh Mercy" & other Dylan albums, "So" by Peter Gabriel, "Joshua Tree" & "Achtung Baby" by U2,  "Yellow Moon" by the Neville Brothers & "Wrecking Ball" by Emmy Lou Harris, or... Bob Rock, producer for Metallica, Aerosmith, Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, ad nauseum.

    ***
    PART 3. REALLY BLOODY HARD ONES. 3 POINTS EACH.

    A. Fascist Catholic Father Charles Coughlin or... "Puttin' The Fun Into Fundamentalism," Evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson, or... Jean Vanier, genuinely nice guy who founded the network of L'Arche communities for people with developmental disabilities?

    B. (For Dick.) Justin Morneau, 1B for the Twins or... Jason Bay, OF for the BoSox, or... Catcher Russell Martin of the Dodgers?

    C. For techies, William Gibson (author, coined "Cyberspace") or... Douglas Coupland (author, popularized "Generation X") or... Cory Doctorow (author, co-editor Boing-Boing)?

    D. Game shows! Alex Trebek of Jeopardy, or... Monty Hall of Let's Make A Deal, or... Howie Mandel of Deal or No Deal?

    E. Feist, or... kd lang, or... Alanis Morrisette?

    ****
    PART 4. IT'S PHONE A FRIEND HARD. BUT WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT TO DO TODAY? 5 POINTS EACH. FEEL THE BURN.

    1- Bonanza's Ben Cartwright (Lorne Greene), or... Perry Mason (Raymond Burr)?

    2- Robert MacNeil, of MacNeil-Lehrer, or... Morley Safer of 60 Minutes?

    3- Donald Sutherland as Hawkeye Pierce in the movie MASH, or... Dan Ackroyd as Elwood J Blues in the Blues Brothers? 

    4- Louis B. Mayer, or... Jack Warner?

    5- James Naismith, inventor of Basketball, or... WP Kinsella, author of Shoeless Joe (from which came the film "Field of Dreams")?

    ****

    PART 5. THE BIG ONE. FOR 20 POINTS.

    * The McCains' French Fries company, or... the Harlequin Romance publishers?


    ANSWERS! Alrightee, the answers to our Quiz. Which is the best quiz America ever saw because... every multiple choice option was a winner.

    Yup, they're all Canadian.

    Both Kirk and Scotty, Jack Bauer and Neo, all down the list. A few are marginal, like: Saul Bellow (left Canada age 9); David Byrne (only his teen years here, after leaving Scotland); and Jack Warner (born in Ontario, moved away very young.) A few thoughts on this weird invisible reality. The most obvious being, once you see the extent of the intertwining with Canada, not just in terms of the economies, but the cultural meshing, it changes how you see a number of issues in the US -

    1. Take immigration. Massive problem, right? Huge tensions. etc. Except, there are not just hundreds of thousands, but millions of Canadians in the US, working or immigrants. When I'm in the US, I'm treated to "serious" dinnertime discussions, by educated people, about the "immigration issue." But I don't think it's ever been noted - other than in jest - that I happen to be one. In short, from these shoes, immigration looks to be a lot more about race, and maybe culture, than it is about national borders.

    2. Or something smaller, like Robert Reich's thesis that Americans might lose manufacturing jobs, but by God they'll get new ones as Symbolic Analysts. Which sounds sensible, because even if India can do call centers, they'll never understand baseball, never really "get" what it means to be American, right? But what if the US is also competing against 33 million people (just in Canada) who speak English, are completely immersed in American culture (and love it), but who also... have cheaper university education, free health care, etc. In short, how does Reich see American workers having a sustainable, competitive advantage over Canada, and - to a slightly lesser degree - the Brits, Irish, Aussies and New Zealanders? I think Reich's naive as hell here, and might do well to reread the losses Britain suffered in "symbolic analysis" as it fell into decline.

    3. You know how anytime someone mentions Canada having health care, someone rebuts it by saying it's a different country and so it's really hard to compare the two? I wouldn't concede this point without asking why 33 million people pretty much just like you, who play basketball and baseball, and work in banks and schools and fast food joints just like Americans, have managed to get universal health care. Alongside lower-cost education, and gun control, and a stronger social safety net, and fewer people in prison, without going into Iraq - all with lower deficits, sound banks, and a growing economy. Imagine if California had done this (it has the same population as Canada.) Americans - and especially those on the liberal/left - need to raise the question of how these things can be done, and all without destroying the country or the economy. 

    On the flipside, the US liberal-left might also want to ask - is this the ultimate set of policy changes we want? Because even if you get them, based on Canada, they don't cure poverty, or domestic strife, or suburban boredom, etc.

    4- I hope this also partially explains why Canadians have a love/hate thing going with the US. You gotta adore a great big brawling, insane, creative country like the US of A. And we do. But there's also some stuff going on that is - ya gotta admit - pretty dangerous. See: Cheney, Dick.

    And we're really proud of our contributions to Star Trek, Saturday Night Live, Greenpeace, Neil and Joni.

    Along with being real sorry about Celine and Michael Buble and Krauthammer. And that Frum kid. Boy, he turned out crap.

    Red Cross 

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