President George W. Bush spoke at a fundraiser for community college scholarships this week in downtown Fort Worth.

On avoiding talking about Obama's policies: "I don't think it's befitting the office of the presidency to go out and be criticizing my successor," he said. "I didn't like it when some of my predecessors -- a predecessor -- criticized me."

[translation: Clinton was a schmuck]

On a strange moment in Iraq: "Remember the guy who threw the shoe? It was the weirdest moment of my presidency. It was like Ted Williams, who said he could see the stitches on the baseball. It was coming at me in slow motion."

[translation: I am damn good in the heat of battle]

On choking on a pretzel: "I woke up and a few minutes later, the crawl across the TV screen says, 'Bush Passes Out Eating Pretzel -- Appears OK.' Hey, when Roosevelt was president, the nation didn't know he used a wheelchair. I couldn't even eat a pretzel."

[translation: Jokes over. Stop sending me all the bags of pretzels.]

On being able to walk his dog, Barney, again: "There I was, former President George W. Bush, with a plastic bag in my hand, picking up that which I had been dodging for eight solid years."

[translation: at least now I only have to do dog shit]