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    Evacuation Drill (updated for Obey)

    By amike on Tue, 08/11/2009 - 1:47pm |
    Evacuation Drill

    		 O Ship of State

    THOU, too, sail on, O Ship of State!
    Sail on, O Union, strong and great!
    Humanity with all its fears,
    With all the hopes of future years,
    Is hanging breathless on thy fate!

    We know what Master laid thy keel,
    What Workmen wrought thy ribs of
         steel,
    Who made each mast, and sail, and
         rope,
     What anvils rang, what hammers
         beat,
     In what a forge and what a heat
     Were shaped the anchors of thy
         hope!


    Attention...Attention...

    We interrupt this morning's poetry hour for the following announcement.

    Rumblings and murmurs have reached the Caption of the Democratic Crew which took command of the ship on 20 January 2009.  For this reason or that, some of the passengers are expressing a fervent desire to jump ship.  In order that the chaos and turmoil which happened forty years ago be not repeated these instructions are being announced over the broadcast system and will be posted prominently on every ship's deck. 

    There are plenty of lifeboats, for those who which to leave.  However, as the reasons for the desire to separate company from the rest of us are often mutually contradictory and we wish to prevent bloodshed if at all possible, each reason will have its own assembly station.  These too, are clearly marked on the boat deck.
    Assembly Area One:

        Reserved for those who know more than everyone else from the left point of view.  Those who are the purest of the pure libero-progresso-populo-ists find your way to Assembly Area One.

    Assembly Area Two:

        Reserved for those who know more than everyone else from the far right point of view.  Those who are the purest of the pure libertarian-Gaultian-Paulianists find your way to Assembly Area Two

    Assembly Area Three.

        Reserved for those who think the world will end if George Bush, Dick Cheney, and John Yoo aren't prosecuted for war crimes yesterday, and that Captain Obama is a wimp for not tackling this problem first.

    Assembly Area Four

        Reserved for those who believe Captain Obama should have plunked down his Health Care plan fully crafted, perfect in every detail, and then demanded that Congress suck it  up, or else.  You'll find several cartons of pamphlets advocating the unitary executive under the deck chairs there.  Captain Obama is a wimp for not tackling this problem first.

    Assembly Area Five.

        For those who believe that Captain Obama "undermines Democracy" by cutting a deal with Big Pharma.  If you're appropriately "appalled" head there.  Look for the guy standing on a chair waving his hands in an appalled manner.  (He's a "a fan of the Obama administration,"  but not to the point where he is unwilling to use language which, taken out of context, even as this announcement takes it out of context, can be used as ammunition by those who would hijack the ship). Captain Obama is a wimp for not tackling this problem first.

    Assembly Area Six

        For those who find blue dogs so smelly that rather than try to give them a bath and a good grooming they'd get as downwind from them as possible.  Follow your ears.  You'll hear them singing "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" at the top of their lungs.  Captain Obama is a wimp for not tackling this problem first.

    Assembly Area Seven

        For those who are disgusted that the Crew and Captain haven't solved Global Warming yet, and would solve it if the crew only bought more clunkers, produced more ethanol, and didn't waste money on programs which would only pay off ten or more years in the future. Captain Obama is a wimp for not tackling this problem first.

    Assembly Area Eight

        See assembly area Seven.  Some have requested their own area because they're disgusted that the Captain and Crew haven't yet put a solar panel and windmill in every yard-upgrading the old promise of a chicken in every pot, as well as mass transit everywhere.  In the interest of avoiding sludge fights and slashes with turbine blades, we're happy to oblige.  Captain Obama is a wimp for not tackling this problem first.We realize that some are attracted to more than one assembly area, and are perhaps so conflicted in their minds that they sit in fugue state, unable to decide where to go.  For counseling and advice, see the Village Elders at Stations A. B. C. and D.  To make them more recognizable we've dressed them in bed sheet togas, and placed laurel wreathes on their brows.  They're assigned by seniority.  Elder Broder is at station A, Elder Brooks at Station B (don't remark that he's wearing a bottom fitted sheet-he cries easily).  Elder Tweety is at Station C (overlook the peanut butter and jelly stains on his toga, please), and Elder Stephanopolous is at Station D.  Please wait until his hairspray sets.  Some will recognize that there are no Elders from Murdochville-we looked, but there were only juveniles from there.

    We also realize that there are some who see the situation as hopeless, whether one abandons ship or not.  The Choir is practicing Nearer, My God to Thee, in the third class dining room.  Don't forget to bring your scores.

    On behalf of the rest of the crew, I thank you for being orderly and attentive during this announcement.  Thanks also for keeping out of the way as the rest of us do our best to help out in any way that we can.  We return you to the Poetry Hour:

          Fear not each sudden sound and shock,
          'Tis of the wave and not the rock;
          'Tis but the flapping of the sail,
          And not a rent made by the gale!
          In spite of rock and tempest's roar,
          In spite of false lights on the shore,
          Sail on, nor fear to breast the sea!
          Our hearts, our hopes, are all with thee.
          Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears,
          Our faith triumphant o'er our fears,
          Are all with thee, -are all with thee!

              Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
     




    Updated:

    Obey informed me that I had neglected to provide an assembly point for his people, the alethic antinomies. I like Obey, in a purely platonic way I add in haste, and, hating to see him appalled, hasten to remedy that situation, having reserved assembly areas nine to sixteen for just such purposes.

    Assembly Area Nine

    Alethic antinomians, which I'm informed are rather like Islamic Death Panel Recission, will gather at Assembly Area Nine to do whatever it is they do until called into the boat.  Captain Obama is a wimp for not attacking their problem first.

    If anyone else wants an area for his/her people inform the management and it will see what it can do. 

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