David
King of all Israel
King David by Pedro Berruguete

I was reading my friend Icky's blog today, and thought I would follow up on the new biblical reclamation project.  http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/blogs/ickyma/2009/10/creationists-and-their-theory.php

I reread the little article in HuffPo:

Lo and behold, the Bible has gotten too liberal, according to a group of conservatives. And it needs a little editing.

Yes, even scripture is not orthodox enough for the modern conservative. Not that it's the fault of the author(s), exactly. The group cites a few reasons why the Bible is too progressive: "Lack of precision in the original language ... lack of precision in modern language" and "translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one."

So how can the Bible be conservatized? The group has proposed a Wikipedia-like group editing project. Some of the ideas would only bring the translation closer to the original. But others would fundamentally change the text.

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias

3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3]

7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story

Among the words to be eliminated: "government." A conservative columnist at Beliefnet described the effort as "just crazy ... like what you'd get if you crossed the Jesus Seminar with the College Republican chapter at a rural institution of Bible learnin'."

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/05/conservative-bible-projec_n_310037.html

Oh I cannot let the free market Christian Principles go without adding that these NIV extremists have their new bible copyrighted up the wazooooooooo.  Hahaaha  Yes, spreading the word can make some a fine dollar or two.

From the First Book of Kings in the King James Version:

1Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

 2Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

 3So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

 4And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

Kind of brings new shades of meaning to the inquiry:

Is he packing any heat?

Hahaha

Well, the new and improved NIV translation of this same Kings 1-4 goes like this:

When King David was old and well advanced in years, he could not keep warm even when they put covers over him. 2 So his servants said to him, "Let us look for a young virgin to attend the king and take care of him. She can lie beside him so that our lord the king may keep warm."

 3 Then they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful girl and found Abishag, a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. 4 The girl was very beautiful; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no intimate relations with her. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Kings+1&version=NIV

Now I am no biblical scholar. And I do not wish to be so. But the King James Version relays a message to me AND IS CERTAINLY MORE FUN TO READ. King David is sick and cannot get it up anymore. So they think that he just needs a little inspiration. Remembering of course that the Hebrew kings in those days were polygamous; and like other kings in other parts of the world at the time, the more children a king had, the better.

The fact is that many rich and powerful men will gat their heat in a fashion. Hahahaha (See Letterman)

The NIV wishes to 'color' things a little so that Hebrew customs of 2600 years ago do not seem so out of sorts with current cultural tastes. Hahahaha

I mean the king had to have virgins, I feel anyway, because of a deep deep aversion to VD that we have carried with us in our genes for millennia. I think that is why all cultures wish the peasantry to be monogamous. The virgin in Kings I was no doubt younger than Jerry Lee Lewis' cousin. hahaha

But they do not stop at 'color' for heavens sakes. Take a look at what they wish to do with the New Testament:

The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:[7]

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

http://conservapedia.com/Conservative_Bible_Project

You see, this group would excise whatever they do not like in the bible and remain, in their own minds anyway, biblical literalists.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do........that was the translation I like best for this verse. And to me, this is a beautiful sentiment and has several meanings for me. To me, Jesus is a victim who is asking that his Father in Heaven to not punish his torturers. He is demonstrating his own forgiveness. And Jesus is also demonstrating to me that intent is not always that easy to discern. Having lived as a mortal, Jesus understands the 'trap' of mortality. But I digress.

Lord, these men are idiots. They could not possibly comprehend what they are doing.

And if they wish to get rid of this verse from Luke, well they must also excise Acts 7:60:

Lord, do not hold this sin against them.

At least it would seem that way to me.

Conservatives, generally do not like simple sentiments that interfere with their own aims and purposes in life.

Let me just switch the subject to constitutional interpretation.   Like the Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

A conservative Justice would certainly find this to be a fine personal guaranty FOR HIM AND HIS OWN. Of course it would not apply to TERRORISTS.  Hence the Patriot Act. An Act that was so patriotic that it single handedly found 'exceptions'....now you could just wire tap or take files from the computers of others and get the warrant later...when it was more convenient.

Oh and then we had to rely upon the interpretation of the Patriot Act by George W. Bush per Yoo and others  that just threw the whole wording of the Act as well as the Amendment out the window because...after all they are just WORDS.  I mean this was all accomplished by w FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

Now who looks more like the moral relativist?

Conservatives always feel that interpretation of a bible, or a constitution or their own goddamn statements is in the eyes of the beholder. It is just which beholder is more important to their own, singular relativistic view of the world.