News Update 9:00 AM Sunday Morning on Fox:

This just in:  The country is not now under attack from terrorists, BUT STAY TUNED

Good morning, This is Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace and here is Chris Wallace:

Good morning, today our guest is Newt Gingrich, fabulous former Speaker of the House of Representatives, a writer of 79 books, hundreds of articles and a fine family man.  I mean how many families has this guy had anyway? Ha. Welcome Speaker Gingrich.

Happy to be here Chris. Always happy to be in a happy place like happy Fox News where all my happy friends are.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM WITH A 'JUST IN' SEGMENT:  The country is not now under attack by terrorists, BUT STAY TUNED, with that terrorist sympathizer in the White House, who the hell knows?  When that attack comes, AND IT WILL COME, Fox will be there with the video cameras and full reports from every republican who has ever served in Congress. Now back to our regular programming:

....so that is why the White House should not only release all the information available concerning the last eight years but the eight years before that. I mean, did you know that there are officials in the Justice Department right now who worked at firms that represented terrorists, including Eric Holder. What is all that about anyway?

Yes, Mr. Speaker, but one of the references in your recent article posted at WHY ALL DEMOCRATS ARE SOCIALISTS AND LOVE TERRORISTS AND KILL BABIES.COM noted that two of the so-called terrorists were Chinese--Tibetans--only called terrorists by the Chinese government. I mean do they not....

Now wait a minute here Chris, why is that OUR problem.

You mean Mr. Former Speaker and Former of Husband of -how many wives is that now?--that you think our government should immediately return two men fleeing Red China, I mean...

Now Chris, this is not OUR problem. If some other government wishes to take them, well so be it. Send them to that country.  Now back to the real issue here, this Administration is presenting a perfect example of McCarthyism at its worst with all this talk of investigations.  Like I said go back 16 years and...

Do you mean to tell me Mr. Speaker that you would just send two refugees from a Communist Country back to that Communist Country without hearing their....

And besides these five attorneys we know about, there is one legal secretary whose sister once slept with a man who once shook Saddam's hand a banquet in Bagdad!!! These facts must come out.  After all, WHAT IS THE REAL TRUTH?

Now Chris, that is not the real issue here. I am talking about a witch hunt. A real witch hunt by the party in power. And besides the Clinton Administration, do we really know what took place during the Carter Presidency.  I mean he is building all these houses. WHERE IS THE MONEY COMING FROM. And what I would really like to know is why was Bess Truman always dressed in dead animal skins ....

THIS JUST IN:  THERE HAS BEEN NO TERRORIST ATTACK AS OF YET, but we will keep you posted. There have been reports of a terrorist working a corner store in the Bronx but he may just be an Iraqi who makes his money selling old vegetables for twice the price you could pay in a supermarket. I mean what is that all about anyway?  FOX WILL KEEP YOU POSTED. And now a message from our sponsors:

Do you find that that certain part of the male anatomy has not been up to snuff lately? I mean ever since those democrats got into office, isn't it a lot harder to 'get it up' so to speak?  And praying just does not do the job?  And it seems to get worse after you watch a golf tournament. Well we are offering a special 'package' that includes Extends, Viagra and Stiff As A Plank for only three small payments of  $99.95 plus shipping and handling (so to speak).  Just call this number provided at the bottom of your screen and after your physician calls in the Rx, you will have it all within 48 hours.  And if you act right now, we will include in this package the recent writings of that great man, Newt Gingrich entitled:  Why I Never Was Able to Turn Down a Woman.  Please consult your physician if after 'tasting' this package you find that you have had a woody that lasts more than fifteen minutes.  I mean a republican with a woody that lasts more than fifteen minutes. Who are you kidding?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

6:00 AM Monday Morning

This is NEWS BREAK. The Wall Street Journal has just reported that the former White House Aid who authorized the Manhattan flyover has an uncle who once worked for a Seven-Eleven owned and operated by a former Syrian Nationalist. Now back to our Morning Programming.

There is also a report from the National Review concerning the First Lady.  Although Mrs. Obama does in fact pay for her own clothes, she has received discounts.  That is, her representatives show up at department stores just as a sale is beginning.  And the store is sometimes emptied just to let Michelle wander about and pick out what she likes. Fox News will be there following this story no matter where it takes us.

Good morning

How about that Wanda Sykes?

Yeah. This whole thing really scares the bejesus out of me. I do not know about you, but I think the new Administration is sending out signals that there might be something new in the works.

Oh and doesn't the public understand that if it were not for the Republican Party, people like her could not even vote or not escape house arrest. I mean what is that all about. Hahahahahahahhaha

And was this not a sign of things to come? I'm just sayin. A little Affirmative Action here, maybe? I mean it is getting harder and harder to find a white man in this Administration.  Is this what we are headed for? Soon all us white guys will be forced to work at Seven-Elevens with the Syrians. hahahahahahaha

Yeah, I mean a great patriot like Rush Limbaugh being compared...hey lumped in with terrorists who attacked this country.  This whole thing was planned. And something is coming down the pike. I tell you, 'they' are coming for us, and I mean in a big way. We are all going to be rounded up real soon.

And did you see that new stuff about that Caldera guy?

You mean the White House aide that was thrown under the bus for this Air Force One flyover?

Yeah, it seems that a close relative of this Caldera works for a Syrian Nationalist or something.

Boy I bet we will be hearing more about this.

Well on our station we will. The entire conspiracy will probably be ignored by the liberal media. I mean does the liberal media have no shame whatsoever?

And now for the weather:

THIS JUST IN FOR OUR MORNING FOX NEWS UPDATE:  Although the country is not now under attack, several hundred Iranians were quoted as saying:

Death to Americans and Fox News

More on this important story later on.  Back to Fox Morning with Fascists.

Hey, did you watch Newt  yesterday? Quite an expose do you not think?

Yeah, and Chris Wallace is one tough interviewer. But Newt really came through. I mean hundreds of people now working in OUR JUSTICE DEPARTMENT were defending terrorists in court and god knows what else.  Conspiring with terrorists to attack this country. What is that all about anyway? And female justice officials sleeping with those who would destroy our country?

Well we will get back to this subject. Let me tell you and Fox News will follow this line of facts straight into hell. But our first guest this morning is Senator Nancy Lincoln from Nebraska. Good morning Senator Lincoln, it is really nice of you to drop by this morning.

Thank you Mary. It is good to be here.

Say Senator, before we get to the real subject at hand, health care reform, what is all this we hear about you preparing to change party affiliation. What is that all about?

Well I never...who is spreading that rumor?

Well it was just reported in Conservatives Who Hate Poor People. Com, one of our most important web sites this morning.

I am not changing parties, I assure you.

But your name is Lincoln, I mean how can a Lincoln be in the Democrat Party anyway...

First, it is the Democratic Party. I am a Democrat in the Democratic Party and I resent this spreading of rumor by you and your cohorts here.........Senator Lincoln flees the scene, unharmed.

FOX NEWS UPDATE: The country is still not under attack, yet...But Fox News will keep you updated on this developing story. And another update, JUST IN, A former Democrat Congressman was overheard in a local bar in Cleveland that he:

Hopes that former Vice President Cheney is indicted, convicted and executed soon.

The name of this Democrat is being withheld pending further investigation by Fox News. We will keep you posted as this story develops.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Do you find that you are listless lately, not quite up to snuff, find yourself dozing off at your office and that this all started after our patriots were thrown out of office.

It is time for a Red Bull. Five or ten Red Bulls can wake up a horse that has been on tranquilizers for months. Look at this:

A horse is lying in a pasture as a caretaker arrives with a huge hypodermic needle filled with a gallon of Red Bull. All of a sudden, the horse arises and stomps the caretaker to death.

Do not let the three martini lunch get you down (and remember you can still deduct two of those martinis), just load yourself up with some Red Bull and get ready for that next election.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

8:00 PM

And now its time for Blow Up A Democrat with Glenn Beck:

Hello America. Ready to take on the socialists tonight? I have a great guest on with me tonight, Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Ah Secretary Rumsfeld, it is a pleasure to have you here with me today. And I must say, I felt so much safer when you were protecting this country.

Well thank you Gwen, I ....

Ah, that is Glenn.

Of course Gene, and I am so happy to be here with you. And what kind things to have to say to me on a Monday Night.

Well...er...Mr. Secretary. Do you think we are less safe under this new Administration.

I think Vice President Cheney has made it very clear that we are not as safe as we once were and it is all due to the liberals taking over both houses of Congress as well as the White House. I mean we know what we did know--that is when the Republicans were in business--but we do not know any longer what we should know and certainly not what we could know. We sometimes know what we don't know but, I mean if you don't know something, how would you know that it really exists, as that great philosopher, Rod Sterling once said.....

Now wait a minute Mr. Secretary. I thought there was only one House, as it were, the House of Representatives and that in that House we had Representatives or Congressmen and that..

Gene, listen real closely. You have to pay better attention. There are two houses in Congress we just call one of the House and the other the Senate.

Well Mr. Secretary, and that is Glenn, Glenn Beck please, but we call people from the Senate Senators, not Congressmen...

Whatever. What else you got Gerney?

Well Mr. Secretary, you have been around a long time in politics haven't you?  I mean weren't you Vice President under Reagan or something like that?

At this point, Mr. Rumsfeld left the studio.

THIS JUST IN FROM FOX NEWS:

It appears that Mr. Caldera's uncle did not work at the Seven-Eleven owned and operated by a former Syrian Nationalist, but, rather, Mr. Caldera's step-brother's third cousin and it was not a Seven-Eleven exactly, I mean it was an Exxon Station, but geeeeez, I mean.....Ah forget it. I quit.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The screen suddenly goes blank.

(Well shit, I mean I can dream can I not?)