Bob Barker

There are severe problems with government today.

I know because Dick Morris told me so; on many occasions.

You recall Morris who is one of the heads of the Tobacco Industry in this country—hell world wide since he inherited his empire from Philip.

Here are some of the issues facing the public today.

ABORTION

Who really wants an abortion?

The raped certainly wish they had not been violated; and it is no good to say that the raped have some genetic disposition against or for pregnancy. I mean the sole reason for so many red heads in Ireland and Scotland is that the Vikings not only pillaged but always seem to stop for drinks at the local pubs located near their landing areas but also developed a 'taste' for the local girls.

This issue brings us to issues concerning contraceptives.

Certainly a 'morning after' pill has a great opportunity to kill a possible fetus.

Certainly a birth control pill has a great opportunity to simply ignore the sperm that might have infected an egg thereby creating a fetus; all during some satanic ritual known as sexual intercourse.

Certainly a condom, which flies in the face of good Roman Catholic fun in the sack whilst in the midst of the sacred sacrament of marriage. I mean condoms and pills just permit married people to have fun all the time with no 'consequences'. Consequences being potential priests and nuns and right wing demagogues for chrissakes.

And abortion as an issue brings to the fore complicated arguments as to what life is and what does it actually mean to become a human being. And who the hell has the time to read Augustine and Aquinas and Jerry Falwell anyway?

THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

Now everybody knows; at least those with grown children that k-12 was an early 20^th century device to incarcerate our children so that we could work 60 hours a week for a buck an hour and ensure those children would not end up in some Dicken's novel shoplifting for some local Jewish Mafia figure who used candy and cots to keep those children keepin on.

And, as a product of the Boomer Propaganda System; how else would I have understood that H-bombs could destroy hundreds of thousands of civilians and yet understood that Hitler was surely a bad guy? And also to understand that if the enemy 'over-there' decides to drop 'the big one' on us 'over-here' we will be fine as long as we hide under our desks?

And the point of grammar and such was to prevent toothless alligator hunters from speaking some indecipherable language we see nowadays on reality shows being presented by the History Channel and the Discover Channel?

And really, the point of k-12 anyway was to ensure that while Mama is working two part time jobs she would be able to answer the question:

WHERE IN THE FRICK IS YOUR CHILD RIGHT NOW?

Well the answer is obvious. My little Frankie is in Ms. Roth's Social Studies class!

FOOD STAMPS

Too many folks receive food stamps.

That is also what Mr. Morris tells me.

And we do have an obesity problem in this nation.

Oh but we must feed the children, say the liberals.

Oh but we must cut down on calories, especially in the schools, say the liberals.

Oh but peeps must learn to fend for themselves say the conservatives.

Oh but cutting down on calories is tyranny scream the conservatives.

We are getting nowhere in this discussion!

ENTITLEMENTS

Oh, so some crack-head can bear a child and we are supposed to give them day care protection and medical protection and housing vouchers and food stamps and formula and clothes allowances and....

say the conservatives.

Oh, so you are perceived as being 'age-limited' so I am supposed to care about you? Say the conservatives. I am not the one who knocked up your mumsy. Pick yourself up by your socks—assuming you are also 'shoe-limited' (remember, I was so distraught that I had no shoes until I met someone who had athletes foot, or something like that) and do something productive for chrissakes!

Oh, so you are 67 years of age and your IRA tanked because of the recession and you did not listen to Charles Schwab and you were too stupid to invest in Google or Yahoo (well forget Yahoo, I mean you would have tanked anyway) or 1930's baseball cards or 1940's pornography or whatever and now you want US to step and give you credit for working 50 years and you received all those wages for 50 years and continued to smoke and drink beer and pay for cable....hell that aint my fault, claim the conservatives.

Oh, so your father had some deficient gene causing MS or dyslexia or extra-toeism and I am supposed to be responsible for all your woes? Cry the conservatives.

OUTSIDE OF THE BOX

I get caught in the propaganda of the day. I am in a liberal 'box' attempting to communicate to those conservatives in a conservative 'box'.

Something has got to give, I told myself (I talk to myself all the time besides the internet discourse and the TV).

So anyway, I was looking at old reruns of The Price is Right (should one capitalize 'is'?) and there was my hero telling me to neuter my pet.

And there is Bob Barker and he says:

NEUTER YOUR PETS

Now if everyone listened to the old Barker, (and I do not mean if everyone followed the behavior of the old Barker cause then you would have to have sex with your employees all the time and end up in infamy without having to apologize like Letterman and others and...) we would have no need for all those shows in the afternoon on Animal Planet that have county employees attempting to rescue sick and disabled dogs—which really is revolting and no fun to watch at all except when the porn site aint working due to 'streaming problems' and....

Anyway the strong message of Bob Barker is that making your pet a 'neuter' will decrease the excess population of pets in this country and also decrease that pet's urge to do harm. That is neutering the pet will soften that pet's vision in the world so that he will not be seen as a potential champion to the Michael Vick's of the world and that pet is less likely to bite your postman on his privates, so to speak.

OUT OF THE BOX

We can solve all the issues surrounding abortion and educational funding and food stamps and entitlements and crime and a host of other issues by just taking heed of Bob Barker's message and 'twisting' that message a bit!

WE MUST NEUTER OUR CHILDREN

Look, if we begin neutering all our children (aged 15 and under) these children will become more docile and less prone toward crime. Schools might double their class size and with more docile children, the teachers would not have to work as hard keeping them from killing each other whilst the moms are working at their two or three part time jobs.

And every single year, our educational budget would go down 8%.

The budget would decrease because we could double our class sizes and because there would be no under age pregnancies within a period of three years.

Food stamp entitlements would go down.

Formula entitlements would go down.

Day care subsidies would go down.

The monies we spend on ant-acids, aspirin and laxatives would go down—I mean our kids would certainly become more docile and easier to deal with.

And, in the same manner, prescription drug expenditures would go down.

We would begin to have less worries about porn on the internet and suggestive emails and horny priests and all sorts of things.

Within ten years our educational budgets, both state and Federal, would decrease astronomically.

Okay, you can see where this is going.

Now there would be exceptions.

Remember the Civil War and the draft?

Well folks like Grover Cleveland could vote their way out of that draft. I think Grover spent about 300 bucks which would be about $15,000 in today's non-gold backed dollars.

Nobody is worried that those with incomes over half a million who have accumulated a couple solid million in overseas accounts, would have problems educating or feeding or otherwise caring for their children.

So, for a sum of $100,000 or so, anyone could buy their way out of neutering their children.

Home of the free and the brave and the solid American would prevail.

We could also make the neutering reversible. Supposedly you can reverse a vasectomy for the males.

You would allow this reverse the inability for the 'right folks' to reproduce once they demonstrated that they were worthy of being reproducing Americans. Once someone became 'gainfully employed' (say the wage limit would be $250,000 a year in today's dollars or more) we would allow that individual to reproduce again as long as he could master an SAT test or something equivalent.

Oh I forgot. We would immediately demand that all illegals, regardless of age be neutered. Hell, every year we would cut back on the number of those illegals by 15%. Illegals tend to reproduce at alarming rates anyway.

Just think, we could do away with the phrase:

THE POOR WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US.

So what do we do with all these teachers who will become unemployed?

Well chemistry teachers could tutor the English teachers who cannot even grasp the concept of the molecule in everyday life.

Social study teachers could tutor the physics teacher in the subject of treating idiots civilly.

Xxxxxxxxxx

Now I know that we would be giving those godless gays and lesbian a 'free ride' so to speak.

But there are always repercussions in any idea.

I was just thinking outside the box!

Oh, and in twenty years who is going to cut our lawns and cook our foods?

Well we change our immigration policy somehow!

What am I supposed to change the entire world sitting in my jammies?

Jesus H. Christ.