Letter to President Obama.

Sir, we have both come by "rescue" dogs recently. Yours is a Portuguese Water Dog and mine is a Chesapeake Bay Dog. I love dogs and nothing against your dog Bo but anyone can see your dog is a foreigner. The Chesapeake Bay dog was developed in America, not a socialist country which bankrupted itself.

And I'm not going to quibble about the definition of "rescue" but your foreign dog came through wealthy connections up in Washington. Mine come up on mah Prop--tee up in Oklahoma after running wild for a couple of months. People round here let their dogs run free like they was meant to do. People round here say it's better to run free and take the consequences rather than be coddled.

It seems you could use a reliable dog in the last hours of negotiating with those Republicans who you say have taken the country hostage and want to trade an increase in our debt ceiling for my Social Security. First let me say I've spent the better part of a Social Security check at the vet's trying to rid my dog of ticks, fleas, tape worm, and being spayed. You might be quick to say that that proves I can live on 11 monthly payments, not 12, but wouldn't that be a slap in the face after the good deed I just done?

But you are negotiating with hostage takers and you need an American dog by your side. Sure both breeds are lovable and good companions but the Chesapeake works harder and goes further than any foreign dog would.

After the Chesapeake works hard all day retrieving water fowl, its job isn't finished.
When it's owner takes his haul into the city market the Chesapeake will sit atop the wagon of hard earned bounty for hours and protect it to the death. It is innate in him to protect his owner's wages.

Here's an interesting trait. Given two ducks, one wounded, one dead, the Chesapeake will return with the wounded duck first. That puzzles me, but maybe your chief of staff, the ex-partner of Morgan Stanley, can furnish an explanation.

When you study your forebear presidents you might want to consider Teddy Roosevelt and his Chesapeake Bay, Sailor Boy. Sailor boy was an alpha dog in a house full of dogs. He would avoid a fight if at all possible, but if a fight was necessary, he was murderous.

Mr. President, a loveable, high energy, easily trained Portuguese Water Dog won't cut it when you are dealing with a hostage taker who is cunning and willing to burn down the building if he does not get his way.  Get a companion by your side who has some street smarts, who has had to fight for his food, who in his DNA will protect his hard won catch of the day with the determination of a pit bull, and one who if backed into a corner and there is no other way out will become murderous--speaking metaphorically.

Sometimes you can't escape getting bloodied in a fight. But if you let a hostage taker or a bully get his way, it only gets worse. If they bully you in the hallway, they'll be waiting for you in the alley. In an alley fight, you need the right dog by your side.