Good morning, employee. I am the Benevolent Overseer of Subservient Subordinates. You may refer to me as BOSS. I understand that you and the other female employees have some questions, and I am pleased to address your concerns. However, bear in mind that while your time is at my disposal your speech is strictly limited, so keep your input to a minimum. Proceed.

You wish to lodge a what? I must have been mistaken - I was under the impression that as an employee you had read and absorbed the Corporate bylaws. You have. Nonetheless, a copy of the bylaws will be presented to you immediately for your signature and forwarded to the HR Department by the end of the day. You are here to respectfully ask for policy clarification, is that correct? Much better. Now present your question.

You may stop there. Since I am far more aware of your rights as opposed to those of the Corporation than you obviously are, I will attempt to explain the issue at hand. This Corporation is a Person. Consequently, all Corporations are People. Surely you've heard the expression, "Power to the People" - to whom do you think that refers? Anyone with even minimal intelligence understands that when a group of People accumulate the majority of societal wealth, They gain unlimited influence over said society. The rest falls into place quite nicely. Excuse me? No, no, apparently you remain confused. You see, influence breeds power and power breeds rights. It's as fundamental as a mathematical equation. Of course the Constitution and Bill Of Rights don't directly refer to Corporations. Is that your point? If you had said that in the first place you'd be back at work by now. Corporations as we know them today did not exist at that time. However, the US Supreme Court duly rectified the omission once the right Justices were confirmed. Corporations are now People, so your entire argument is moot.

What's that? You are beginning to try my considerable patience. Why in the world can't you comprehend that the rights of People trump yours? I have already explained that Corporations have the wealth, influence and power to directly affect society. In fact, it is Their duty to prevent average citizens from making irresponsible decisions for themselves and as a whole. It is immensely important, therefore, that the People's rights be protected and expanded whenever and wherever politically possible. It is equally essential that the so-called rights of average Americans be diminished, lest they muddy the waters further. What did you say? That's a personal question that you have no right to pose, employee. What limited rights you still have in this country disappear within these Corporate walls. But perhaps I will answer - why not? It just might help to wrap up this ridiculous conversation with a big, red bow.

Yes, I am indeed a person. So I freely admit that the rules set by the People apply to me, as well. The difference between us, one of many I might add, is that I gratefully accept Their guidance. I humbly acknowledge that I am far better off because of Them. The Corporation teaches me that my wants and needs are wrong, and I ....

What now? I do not make it sound like that. Tread lightly, employee. My benevolence only extends so far. It is absurd to ask if I worship Them - I have no need to do so. My religious beliefs are my own, and I know that They have no problem with that. But while I am employed by this Corporation, His beliefs, ideology and theology are superior to mine. My morals, my ethics, my standards and my opinions are what He tells me they are. If that means giving up personal liberties and suffering minor hardships, so be it. In return I receive a substantial wage, an impressive office, minions like you working under me and, most of all, the chance to become one of Them. You, employee, would be far better served to try emulating rather than chastising me. No? You weren't? I disagree, so you're wrong.

We're through here. Return to your post. I haven't? What precisely have I not addressed? You have healthcare coverage through the Corporation. If you know then why are you wasting my time? Oh, that. Yes, it is correct that The Corporation has applied for exemption from a small portion of the ACA. The recent ruling by the Supreme Court has certainly opened the door much wider, and He is confident that success is pending. No, the Corporation is not a mirror image of Hobby Lobby, but it is important to note that the Person has an equally strong religious objection to contraception. Did you not get the memo? You did, that's why you're here. Nonetheless, I will have a copy of the memo presented to you immediately for your signature and forwarded to the HR Department by the end of the day. There is no room for discussion on this point, employee. Apparently you have not been paying attention. The Corporation does not condone abortion of any sort, and the Person will not financially support any method used to achieve it. You and the other female employees should feel shame for attempting to undermine His faith. If you insist upon engaging in sexual depravity do not expect the Corporation to pay to clean up the mess. No employee or other entity should misconstrue the deeply held religious doctrine of the Person, as He is in no way affiliated with any political party. Perceived evidence to the contrary is purely coincidental. Are you sure you read the memo?

Employee, I am a very busy woman. I have given you wide latitude to state your piece and I know you appreciate that. I'm sure you realize that as BOSS I am legally required to inform you, in writing, of any insubordination on your part that I witness. I will have a copy of my report presented to you immediately for your signature and forwarded to the HR Department by the end of the day. I will personally deliver a copy to the Person. That is all.