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    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 14: Abram kicks ass

    By Michael Wolraich on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 11:10am | Humor & Satire, Religion

    There was at this time a war between nine kings of various tribes of ites and ims. Four of the kings defeated the other five, including the king of Sodom. The victors pillaged the possessions of the vanquished and took their people captive, including Abram’s nephew, Lot, who had been chilling in Sodom. When Abram heard of the kidnapping, he chased the four kings with 318 of his servants. He split his forces (all 318 of them) and rescued the captives and their possessions.

    Commentary: Obviously, these were not the most powerful kings ever to rule the Middle East.

    In gratitude, the king of Sodom offered Abram all the rescued goods, but Abram was too proud to accept gifts from Sodom, and he said,

    “Not a thread nor a shoelace! I will not take anything that is yours! You should not be able to say, ‘It was I who made Abram rich.’”

    Commentary: No sir, it was the Pharaoh of Egypt who made Abram rich by paying him to shtupp his wife.


    The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

    Previous: Genesis 13 - Three's a crowd
    Next: Genesis 15 - Doh!

    Topics: 
    Humor & Satire
    Religion
    Series: 
    The Heretic's Bible

    Comments

    You need to work Mega-shark into the storyline, G. A flying shark that can take down 747's? Awesome-O. And you think your god is more powerful than MINE?

    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:14pm

    What do you think bohemoths are? Only the ignorant believe they were dinosaurs (since dinosaurs obviously never existed). No, the bohemoths mentioned in the Bible are clearly mega-sharks.


    by Nebton on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:17pm

    That's absurd. The Leviathan is the Mega-Shark. The Behemoth is the Giant Octopus.


    by Michael Wolraich on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:21pm

    The debate's run pretty thick on this issue. Is it Levia-Shark and Be-Hoctopus? Or Levia-Pus and Mega-Moth?

    I believe the ones who think Mega-Shark wins.

    ^^^^^^^^^ <--- That's my new sign-off.

    It signifies "Mega-Shark's Mighty Teeth Tearing Into The Truth Through My Words Of Exceptional Insight."


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:29pm

    Your ignorance is staggering. Allow me to present my evidence:

    1. Behemoth (ignore my initial misspelling) is "is the largest and most powerful animal ever to exist." As quinn will attest, that is clearly MEGA-SHARK! .
    2. In Job 3:8, when Leviathan is mentioned, it is roused. It is well known that sharks, even MEGA-SHARK!, cannot sleep lest they die.

    by Nebton on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:52pm

    Truly Nebton, you have out-scholared The Ignorant One.

    MEGA-SHARK! will be pleased.

    ^^^^^^^^^


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:58pm

    You are a numbskull. Sharks rest, though they keep their eyes open. When not hunting airplanes and battling octopi, Mega-Shark is known for lazing around on the ocean floor eathing jellyfish and sea cucumbers, which has earned it the nickname, "Couch Potato of the Sea."

    When resting, sharks breathe through their spiricals, not their nares, and the aramaic word for "rouse" literally means, "to begin processing oxygen through the nares instead of the spiricals." Now quit wasting my time with your ignorant fiddlefaddle. And stay away from Quinn. He's a charlatan of biblical proportions.


    by Michael Wolraich on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:22pm

    Would that be like Behemothonic proportions?

    Or more Leviathanic-sized?

    Whatever. Chicks dig me.

     


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:29pm

    That is pure Wikipedia propaganda. Not only can sharks not rest, if they slow down below 50 mph, they explode.


    by Nebton on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:29pm

    KA-POW!


    by Nebton on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:30pm

    That was awesome.

    Mega-Shark sub-command level B7 congratulates you.

    ^^^^^^^^^


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:34pm

    Genghis is also missing out on the fact - obvious to the devout - that "Lot" is actually an ancient name for....

    MEGA-SHARK! 

    Which puts an entirely different interpretation on things, doncha think?


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:23pm

    Dinosaurs did exist, but they were so awesomely scary, nobody in the Bible named them. But later, when humans were no longer pussies, they were called dragons and the knights kicked dragon ass.


    by Orlando on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:42pm

    "Not a thread nor a shoelace!" Obviously, also not the wealthiest kings ever to rule the Middle East.


    by acanuck on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 3:16pm

    This is awesome, acanuck. We're like a team of sharks, sortof mini-sized

    MEGA-SHARKS,

    circling our prey.

    Which, being Genghis, you feel absolutely no sympathy for. Or empathy. He better rally his fellow Octupooers if he's gonna survive.


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:38pm

    I'm not scared of you heathens. I know what God likes. Altars. Lots and lots of altars.


    by Michael Wolraich on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 4:47pm

    I'm scared of them. They are clearly off their meds.


    by Orlando on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 5:03pm

    Oh DO try and be a little less obvious in sucking up to your friend the luser-Octopus-lover.

    Besides, Wayne Gretzky is with us, and his powers are vastly superior. That may come from not being in Philly, but still. Powers are powers.


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 6:06pm

    Well, I'm not taking sides in the epic battle between the octopus and the shark, but I will say that from a practical standpoint, I'd rather be an octopus. It seems to me that eight arms are far superior to two tiny little flippers.


    by Orlando on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 6:29pm

    Clearly, you never saw the film. Mega-Shark took down a 747. In flight. With his two "tiny little flippers."

    IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, NOOOOO, IT'S...

    MEGA-SHARK!!! (TM)


    by quinn esq on Fri, 06/19/2009 - 7:39pm

    Sharks on a Plane? I smell a spinoff.


    by acanuck on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 2:15pm