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The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 14: Abram kicks ass
by Michael Wolraich 6/19/2009 - 11:10 am
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There was at this time a war between nine kings of various tribes of ites and ims. Four of the kings defeated the other five, including the king of Sodom. The victors pillaged the possessions of the vanquished and took their people captive, including Abram’s nephew, Lot, who had been chilling in Sodom. When Abram heard of the kidnapping, he chased the four kings with 318 of his servants. He split his forces (all 318 of them) and rescued the captives and their possessions.
Commentary: Obviously, these were not the most powerful kings ever to rule the Middle East.
In gratitude, the king of Sodom offered Abram all the rescued goods, but Abram was too proud to accept gifts from Sodom, and he said,
“Not a thread nor a shoelace! I will not take anything that is yours! You should not be able to say, ‘It was I who made Abram rich.’”
Commentary: No sir, it was the Pharaoh of Egypt who made Abram rich by paying him to shtupp his wife.
The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.
Previous: Genesis 13 - Three's a crowd
Next: Genesis 15 - Doh!
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What do you think bohemoths are? Only the ignorant believe they were dinosaurs (since dinosaurs obviously never existed). No, the bohemoths mentioned in the Bible are clearly mega-sharks.
That's absurd. The Leviathan is the Mega-Shark. The Behemoth is the Giant Octopus.
The debate's run pretty thick on this issue. Is it Levia-Shark and Be-Hoctopus? Or Levia-Pus and Mega-Moth?
I believe the ones who think Mega-Shark wins.
^^^^^^^^^ <--- That's my new sign-off.
It signifies "Mega-Shark's Mighty Teeth Tearing Into The Truth Through My Words Of Exceptional Insight."
Your ignorance is staggering. Allow me to present my evidence:
Truly Nebton, you have out-scholared The Ignorant One.
MEGA-SHARK! will be pleased.
^^^^^^^^^
And let's not forget about Psalm Deepest Bluest .
MEGA-SHARK! forever!
I'd like to see Genghis (the non-believer) against
MEGA-SHARK!
Snicker. That collar'd just turn Orange the once.... And after that,
MEGA-BLOOD-SHARK-RED-4-EVER!!
You are a numbskull. Sharks rest, though they keep their eyes open. When not hunting airplanes and battling octopi, Mega-Shark is known for lazing around on the ocean floor eathing jellyfish and sea cucumbers, which has earned it the nickname, "Couch Potato of the Sea."
When resting, sharks breathe through their spiricals, not their nares, and the aramaic word for "rouse" literally means, "to begin processing oxygen through the nares instead of the spiricals." Now quit wasting my time with your ignorant fiddlefaddle. And stay away from Quinn. He's a charlatan of biblical proportions.
Would that be like Behemothonic proportions?
Or more Leviathanic-sized?
Whatever. Chicks dig me.
That is pure Wikipedia propaganda. Not only can sharks not rest, if they slow down below 50 mph, they explode.
KA-POW!
That was awesome.
Mega-Shark sub-command level B7 congratulates you.
^^^^^^^^^
Genghis is also missing out on the fact - obvious to the devout - that "Lot" is actually an ancient name for....
MEGA-SHARK!
Which puts an entirely different interpretation on things, doncha think?
Dinosaurs did exist, but they were so awesomely scary, nobody in the Bible named them. But later, when humans were no longer pussies, they were called dragons and the knights kicked dragon ass.
"Not a thread nor a shoelace!" Obviously, also not the wealthiest kings ever to rule the Middle East.
This is awesome, acanuck. We're like a team of sharks, sortof mini-sized
MEGA-SHARKS,
circling our prey.
Which, being Genghis, you feel absolutely no sympathy for. Or empathy. He better rally his fellow Octupooers if he's gonna survive.
I'm not scared of you heathens. I know what God likes. Altars. Lots and lots of altars.
I'm scared of them. They are clearly off their meds.
Oh DO try and be a little less obvious in sucking up to your friend the luser-Octopus-lover.
Besides, Wayne Gretzky is with us, and his powers are vastly superior. That may come from not being in Philly, but still. Powers are powers.
Well, I'm not taking sides in the epic battle between the octopus and the shark, but I will say that from a practical standpoint, I'd rather be an octopus. It seems to me that eight arms are far superior to two tiny little flippers.
Clearly, you never saw the film. Mega-Shark took down a 747. In flight. With his two "tiny little flippers."
IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, NOOOOO, IT'S...
MEGA-SHARK!!! (TM)
Sharks on a Plane? I smell a spinoff.