This chapter is just a list of Seth’s descendents and their spirited competition to see who could live the longest. I will spare the reader its boringness except to say that the consensus winner was Methuselah, who died at the ripe age of 969. However, supporters of Methuselah’s father, Enoch, dispute the result. God transported Enoch directly to paradise while he was a still young lad of 365, so technically, he didn’t die. The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel exhibits Solomon-like wisdom in his proposed resolution:

“Methuselah was the oldest, but Enoch walked with God. Since God rewarded Enoch for walking with Him by prematurely transporting him to Heaven, he should not be penalized. I therefore propose that the gold medal be sundered into two equal pieces so that each man may bask in half of its glory.”

I should also note that some conspiracy theorists accuse Methuselah of having poisoned his father in order to win the prize and then concocting the direct ascendance story to cover up his crime. But such people are heretics and deserve to be thoroughly disemboweled.

Incidentally, readers who wish to live long should recite the Blessing of Methuselah by repeating “Methuselah” ten times as fast as possible. The late Great Rabbi, Ebenezer the Geezer, who lived to be 119 years old, was said to be able to say Methuselah’s name 167 times in five seconds.¹

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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