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Shuts and Failures

by Michael Maiello

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The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 7: The earth gets wet

by Michael Wolraich 6/5/2009 - 3:43 pm   |

God tells Noah to bring the animals again, but this time he specified seven pairs of each clean species and one pair of each unclean species.

Commentary: The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel wrote,

“The Lord in his infinite foresight commanded Noah to bring seven pairs of each clean animal so that he might earn the Lord’s blessing by offering the additional pairs as holy sacrifices to His mercy.”

Sometimes, I have trouble keeping up with the Great Rabbi’s wisdom. He seems to be suggesting that God, who in His great mercy decided to kill everyone except Noah and family, might run low on mercy partway through the process and require some sacrifices to buck up His mercy again. Because of His infinite foresight, he knew that he would run out of mercy, so he commanded Noah to bring some extra animals to sacrifice for a mercy injection. It just sounds a little twisted to me. And why does God care whether the animals are clean?

All the animals that had been invited, clean and unclean alike, showed up at Noah’s place, and he put them on the boat along with his family. Then God opened up the wellsprings of the deep and the floodgates of heaven, and water flooded the earth for forty days and forty nights. The water surged up to 15 cubits and submerged all the mountains, which must not have been very tall in the old days. Every living creature on earth except for the fish and Noah’s passengers drowned. (No mention of the plants.)


The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

Previous: Genesis 6 - God gets mad (again)
Next: Genesis 8 - The earth gets dry

I am reminded of Samuel Jackson's remarks about the cleanliness or not of pigs in Pulp Fiction.

by Articleman 6/5/2009 - 3:45 pm

The water surged up to 15 cubits and submerged all the mountains, which must not have been very tall in the old days.

Actually, I think you'll find that physics worked differently back then. You see, the water was 15 cubits deep everywhere, including over the mountains. The water followed the contours of the land underneath it. I'm sure it was a sight to behold.

by Nebton 6/5/2009 - 3:50 pm

Don't be an asshat, physics boy. That's 15 cubits above sea level not 15 cubits everywhere. Duh. See, the water came from the wellsprings of the deep which is like under the ground and also from the floodgates of heaven which is like in the sky and the whole earth was covered and then God made a wind and blew all the water away... Oh never mind, you obviously will never get it.

by Michael Wolraich 6/5/2009 - 3:59 pm (re: Nebton)

While we're on chapter 7, it seems an excellent time to bring up all that has been written about the wives aboard the ark.

by Nebton 6/5/2009 - 4:11 pm

I do like the new, snappier pace the story is taking on. Who knew Genghis would respond so well to prodding? Does anyone have some clues as to what happens in Chapter 8? I think that's when Jesus comes along.

by acanuck 6/5/2009 - 6:03 pm

I'm sure Joseph and his pimped out coat comes long before that.  YAY!

by dijamo 6/5/2009 - 9:54 pm (re: acanuck)

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