PORTLAND, Maine - A new report from the Wolfrum Alpha Resource Center states that every man, woman and child will be tasered at least once by the year 2015. Most of the taserings will be quite comical.

“Soon, we’ll reach a point where everyone will have their own taser gun,” said Portland Sheriff Calvin Jarmen. “Then, just sit back and laugh.”

While many have debated the humanity of using tasers to subdue everyone from young girls that won’t do their homework to old ladies that are grumpy, others complain about the sheer comic value of tasers.

“In American comedy, the tasering is a vital plot point,” said film expert Diane Tucker. “You see that and think to yourself, ‘Wow, they went to all the trouble to make it appear they were shooting electricity into Seth Rogan’s skull. This must be funny.’”

Another reason for your eventual tasering is that - as opposed to a gun - taserers have the freedom to be 90-ish percent sure that the tasering won’t kill the taseree.

“And plus, come on, it’s funny,” said comedian Rob Schneider, the current record holder for most On-Screen Taserings with 38. “It’s really a weapon you can build a career on.”

–WKW