Hard work and love of country--it'll do it to you every time. Thank God for our lazy, unemployed America haters.
Cleveland: Keeping Christmas at Home
Ramona: The War on Happy Holidays
PIERRE, S.D. — South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard signed a bill into law on Tuesday that requires a man to wait 72 hours after his first doctor's appointment to be allowed to masturbate, the longest waiting list in the nation.
Male Masturbation rights groups have already said they plan to file a lawsuit challenging the measure, which also requires men to undergo counseling at Catholic Churches that discourage masturbation. [Read more]
Elizabeth Taylor was the most beautiful human being on this earth for so many years you had to wonder if her not-of-this-world violet eyes didn't have something to do with it. Because, honestly, who else on this earth ever had violet eyes? But beyond her beauty, she had something else that most incredibly pampered child stars never had: an ability to look outside herself and see the other half of the world. She worked tirelessly to bring attention to HIV/Aids, bringing honest assessments and putting human faces on a scourge that others chose to ignore because it was only a "gay issue" and didn't affect the rest of us. Except it did, and she showed us  [Read more]
After the resounding success of the No-Fly Zone, the administration has rushed to establish additional strategic zones.
A No-See Zone seems almost certain to diffuse the protest situation in Yemen, a No-Hear Zone should quell any debate about the shootings of protestors in Syria, and a No-Speak Zone in Pakistan will allow the name of Raymond Davis to fade into obscurity.
In related news, the Japanese Diet has declared a Noh Problem zone, so they can continue to obfuscate the danger of radiation from the failed Fukushima reactors.
I was just reading about a firm called Selective Search, which charges men a minimum of $20,000 a year to set them up on dates with suitable women.
Why Some People Will Pay $20,000 For a Date
Selective Search uses a 15-page form with questions about charity work, health, exercise habits and past relationships. More importantly, interviewers rate the women's looks:
WASHINGTON – Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today took over the White House, which had been empty due to President Barack Obama’s trip to Brazil.
“I now am President of America,” said Gaddafi, who sneaked in a back door into the empty White House. “Bow before me, infidels!”
After taking over the Oval Office, Gaddafi’s first order of business was to change the name of the United States to “Libya 2.” [Read more]
Normally I'm not that thrilled with loudmouths from New York but with Anthony Weiner I make the grand exception. When he gives up his Good Fight gig in Congress, he could take over Late Night and give Leno and Letterman big time runs for their money. Here he defends the already puny government funding of NPR by talking about my favorite Car Talk guys, Click and Clack.
HARRISBURG, Pa — After years of fielding complaints that he had not taken a hard enough stance against Westboro Baptist Church and its hate speech, Almighty God today unleashed what onlookers have described as a “shitload of smiting” against the controversial group that just won a Supreme Court case on free speech.
“Guess God don’t much care for Supreme Court cases,” said the onlooker, Jim Thompson of Dubuque, Iowa. “Because God just WENT OFF!” [Read more]
DES MOINES – Having declared that their current budgetary path is “unsustainable,” Bob & Peggy Thompson of Des Moines today announced that they will be cutting the $1-a-week allowance they give to their 5-year-old child, Jessica.
“Having gone over our current budget deficit, we have come to the realization that sacrifices will have to be made,” said Bob Thompson, 44. “These cuts may not be popular in the short-term, but are necessary for our household to rein in our spending.” [Read more]
Jon Cryer isn’t all about winning. Jon Cryer is happy with a draw.
Jon Cryer’s best-known role as an actor was as Ducky. And he’s Ok with that.
If a neighbor asked Jon Cryer to pick up their mail while they were on vacation, Jon Cryer would do it. Maybe he’d miss a day, but he would never let the mail pile up.
Hardly anyone actually hates Jon Cryer. On the flip side, no one’s completely obsessed with him. And Jon Cryer thinks that’s Ok.
Jon Cryer is fun at parties but likes to leave early because he likes to get up fairly early. [Read more]
As with most mornings, I woke up and immediately perused TMZ. Because if you can't keep up with celebrity gossip, you just shouldn't be a blogger. Anyway, I was struck today by a story on TMZ about Charlie Sheen. This is not abnormal, mind you, as without Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, TMZ has nothing but blank pages. Hell, they are even going Taco Bell by combining their two favorite ingrediants into one big enchilada of addiction. [Read more]
This week DARPA unveiled its newest entry into the spy game, the Nano Hummingbird. The teeny, tiny $4 million prototype flew around a parking lot and then through a standard-sized door, all the while showing us on a small screen what it was seeing through its teeny, tiny eyes. The hope is that it can be used for reconnaissance and surveillance without anybody noticing, as it zooms in at eight miles per hour and gathers info we might find useful.
Dear readers, compatriots, and assorted morons,
There have been rumors that I would bow to the outpouring of popular contempt by resigning my position as Administrator in Chief at dagblog.com, one of the most populous and strategic properties in the blogosphere. Those rumors are lies.
I have faced public flaming several times in my illustrious career. I did not submit, nor yield to ad hominem attacks. I do not negotiate with trolls.
Nonetheless, in order to create the appearance of respecting the popular will, I have decided to pretend to hand over some of my powers to my subordinate. He will now be able to edit the titles of news links. This is a small sacrifice on my part, since he is merely my pseudonym in any case. [Read more]
David Broder stared out his office window. His calmness had an eerie quality to it, a feel that there was anger just underneath. This was a man obviously smarting from the closing of the Centrist Democratic Leadership Council, and it showed. Still staring out the window, he finally spoke. [Read more]