Hard work and love of country--it'll do it to you every time. Thank God for our lazy, unemployed America haters.
Maiello: Where Your Tax Dollars Go
Doc Cleveland: Copyright vs. Truth
Today is Earth Day. Ever since 1970 we've been setting aside April 22 to celebrate the birth of the earth. (It also happens to be Lenin's birthday but I promise there is absolutely no connection. I only mention it because some subversive with a tea cup is sure to bring it up, and I want to be able to say I got there first.)
Talking Points Memo reports that its commenting system has crashed due to a failure at amazon.com. The failure of Amazon's cloud problem has hobbled Web sites all over the place leaving articles and events uncommented upon.
At the White House, there was much rejoicing.
"The contraints on my presidency have been lifted," Obama told his staff. "For the first time, we can make policy without having to worry about what the left says about us on the Internet. Now I don't even need the authority to shut the thing off." [Read more]
Just moments after not being able to win back custody of his kids from a wife in rehab, Charlie Sheen shocked the world by coyly mentioning he may consider a run at the White House.
“I know I promised this wouldn’t be political, but look where we f— are, man!” said Sheen. “I would legalize pot. Everywhere. Vending machines, all of it. And subsidize everything.”
Sheen – who said he’d pick Nicolas Cage as his running mate, making it the first-ever ticket based around abusing women – also announced the fiscal policies he’d support when he became President. [Read more]
My pal Jan started this yesterday on Facebook with a "Hooray! Hooray! It's Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day". I'm shocked that I didn't know about GCSD. I love those things! But when Jan crabbed about her favorite sammich getting the recognition it so richly deserves for only one day, I wondered what I could do to make her feel better.
Here it is!
MY OFFICE – Blogger William K. Wolfrum came out and admitted today what many had long suspected – that he has a masturbation problem.
“Looking at it pragmatically, yes, I do have a problem,” said Wolfrum, unaware of the pun he was about to create. “When times get hard, I go to masturbation.”
What Wolfrum and his critics are pointing to and laughing at is Wolfrum’s penchant to incorporate masturbation as a central theme in his blog posts. Previous masturbatory posts include: [Read more]
FRIDAY FOLLIES: Maine again. Gospel Teens, Homeless Artists, and all that's Rich
Oh, man! Maine's rookie Tea Party governor, Paul LePage can't get a break. He's still getting all kinds of flack for taking down those nonessential murals showing nothing but the damned hoi polloi, but on top of that, he got word that 63% of the mural was paid for by a Federal grant and the Feds aren't looking kindly on his hotshot actions. Seems he broke an essential clause in the contract that clearly stated he was supposed to notify people and give them a good reason for pulling those murals from those walls, and then those essential people would have to agree. So if the Feds demand their money back at current market value, which would be higher now with all the attention, it's the taxpayers who would have to foot the bill.
But once again, Big Business demands the action and the taxpayers get stuck. Life just keeps imitating life. [Read more]
TWITTER - Twitter users of all political stripes were covered in a layer of Liberal goo on the site today, as Liberals from throughout the United States simultaneously exploded and gooified the joint following the rapid-fire news that Glenn Beck was leaving his Fox News program and that Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice nominee JoAnne Kloppenburg had beaten incumbent Justice David Prosser.
PIERRE, S.D. — South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard signed a bill into law on Tuesday that requires a man to wait 72 hours after his first doctor's appointment to be allowed to masturbate, the longest waiting list in the nation.
Male Masturbation rights groups have already said they plan to file a lawsuit challenging the measure, which also requires men to undergo counseling at Catholic Churches that discourage masturbation. [Read more]
Elizabeth Taylor was the most beautiful human being on this earth for so many years you had to wonder if her not-of-this-world violet eyes didn't have something to do with it. Because, honestly, who else on this earth ever had violet eyes? But beyond her beauty, she had something else that most incredibly pampered child stars never had: an ability to look outside herself and see the other half of the world. She worked tirelessly to bring attention to HIV/Aids, bringing honest assessments and putting human faces on a scourge that others chose to ignore because it was only a "gay issue" and didn't affect the rest of us. Except it did, and she showed us  [Read more]
After the resounding success of the No-Fly Zone, the administration has rushed to establish additional strategic zones.
A No-See Zone seems almost certain to diffuse the protest situation in Yemen, a No-Hear Zone should quell any debate about the shootings of protestors in Syria, and a No-Speak Zone in Pakistan will allow the name of Raymond Davis to fade into obscurity.
In related news, the Japanese Diet has declared a Noh Problem zone, so they can continue to obfuscate the danger of radiation from the failed Fukushima reactors.
I was just reading about a firm called Selective Search, which charges men a minimum of $20,000 a year to set them up on dates with suitable women.
Why Some People Will Pay $20,000 For a Date
Selective Search uses a 15-page form with questions about charity work, health, exercise habits and past relationships. More importantly, interviewers rate the women's looks:
WASHINGTON – Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today took over the White House, which had been empty due to President Barack Obama’s trip to Brazil.
“I now am President of America,” said Gaddafi, who sneaked in a back door into the empty White House. “Bow before me, infidels!”
After taking over the Oval Office, Gaddafi’s first order of business was to change the name of the United States to “Libya 2.” [Read more]
Normally I'm not that thrilled with loudmouths from New York but with Anthony Weiner I make the grand exception. When he gives up his Good Fight gig in Congress, he could take over Late Night and give Leno and Letterman big time runs for their money. Here he defends the already puny government funding of NPR by talking about my favorite Car Talk guys, Click and Clack.
HARRISBURG, Pa — After years of fielding complaints that he had not taken a hard enough stance against Westboro Baptist Church and its hate speech, Almighty God today unleashed what onlookers have described as a “shitload of smiting” against the controversial group that just won a Supreme Court case on free speech.
“Guess God don’t much care for Supreme Court cases,” said the onlooker, Jim Thompson of Dubuque, Iowa. “Because God just WENT OFF!” [Read more]
DES MOINES – Having declared that their current budgetary path is “unsustainable,” Bob & Peggy Thompson of Des Moines today announced that they will be cutting the $1-a-week allowance they give to their 5-year-old child, Jessica.
“Having gone over our current budget deficit, we have come to the realization that sacrifices will have to be made,” said Bob Thompson, 44. “These cuts may not be popular in the short-term, but are necessary for our household to rein in our spending.” [Read more]