ARIZONA – Faced with a difficult primary challenge from J.D. Hayworth in his senatorial re-election bid, Sen. John McCain announced today that he’s actually a vampire, like in the “Twilight” movies.

“Yeah, you kids love vampires, dontcha,” said McCain, wearing a cape. “Well I’m a romantic, hunky, super-conservative vampire. Bella!!”

WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee, finally fed up with his free-spending ways and controversies, have fired Michael Steele as RNC Chairman and announced that TV Star Jesse James will be replacing him.

“We felt that Steele had his chance and blew it,” said an RNC source. “We are now heading in a different direction.”

BRAZIL – In a telephone interview, noted blogger William K. Wolfrum admitted to dominating Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele at a bondage club in Southern California.

“I just kept asking him why Republicans always talk about fiscal responsibility but whenever they govern they run up massive deficits,” said Wolfrum, a one-time “Fly Girl” on the show In Living Color. “He had nothing to say. I totally dominated.”

LOS ANGELES – Combining the works of science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard, fictional character Ronald Reagan, economics fiction writer Milton Friedman and actor Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology has announced that it has officially joined forces with the Tea Party movement.

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Discovery Communications has announced that it has been forced to cancel the upcoming reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” after it was learned that Palin ran out of reality almost two years ago. The eight-part documentary series was to star the ex-Governor Palin and her home state of Alaska and was slated to premiere on TLC, and executive produced by Emmy-award winner Mark Burnett of Survivor and Apprentice fame.

The Liberal Party, which ran Canada for most of the past half-century but recently has lost its resonance with voters, held a weekend policy symposium in Montreal. A featured guest was Robert Fowler, a now-retired top diplomat who advised every prime minister -- regardless of party -- for at least three decades.

WASHINGTON — Stating that it was only a matter of time before they beat themselves to death, top Republicans have come forward pleading for the Democratic Party to stop hitting themselves.

Following the passage of Health Care Reform, concerned Republicans have come out in force, begging Democrats to stop battering themselves with their own legislation, which is naturally causing them to receive threats of violence.

FLORIDA – Entering an already crowded field of contenders, golfer Tiger Woods today announced that he will be running for the U.S. Senate Seat in Florida.

“Responsibility,” said Woods. “Dignity.”

Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) is desperately fighting off an election challenge from MSNBC host, Rachel Maddow. Though Maddow insists that she has no interest in running for Senate, Brown is not deceived by her evasions.

BRAZIL – In an attempt to show that Democratic politicians aren’t the only ones dealing with threats and violence, blogger William K. Wolfrum today admitted that a bird crapped on his car, which he called an “obvious attempt to shut me up.”

“You know, Democrats are whining and complaining about receiving death threats and whatnot, but really, I’m the victim here,” said Wolfrum, formerly a back-up singer with the band A-Ha. “But do you hear me complaining about it? No, death threats and bird crappings are par for the course in today’s world.”

Apparently, there are some Republican lawmakers and conservative pundits who feel that the worst thing about death threats and vandalism is that the politicians being threatened might gain public sympathy. Digby and Billmon both have brilliant analyses of the victim-blaming rhetoric being used here.

I was watching cable news during part of the run-up to the House vote on health care reform (because I was at the gym, which is where I tend to watch cable news). And the most shocking but entirely unsurprising thing happened. Wolf Blitzer was suddenly pushing back on Republican talking points, which had seemed so reasonable to him for the last year and a half. In fact, when Democratic guests wouldn't push hard enough against the conservative talking points, the Blitzinator would call the Republican out himself.

One of the strangest things to watch in the mainstream media has been how hard they’ve strained to make anti-government protesters into a major national story.

WASHINGTON – The Powerful Coat Hanger Lobby celebrated a huge victory over the weekend, as the Senate’s Health Care Reform Bill passed the House of Representatives.

While Democrats have also cheered the passage of the bill – which could get 30 million more Americans health care coverage – the Coat Hanger Lobby was especially thrilled with deal that will not allow poor women to receive abortions.

I'm not sure why I'm surprised. I suppose I thought that, even though I recognize that racism exists, it had at the very least become so impolite to use racial slurs in public that even the most strident bigots would keep their disgusting language to themselves and their cronies.

In posting their response at Dagblog.com to Debbie Schlussel's claims that Sean Hannity has personally benefited from monies donated to the children of veterans, the Freedom Alliance's Thomas P. Kilgannon and Oliver North have made it clear the line of attack they plan to follow:

"Debbie Schussel (sic) is a liar, and she's doing it again," was written above the press release.

BRAZIL – Right-Wing Blogger-Patriot William K. Wolfrum today unleashed a new bombshell revelation against Fox News host Sean Hannity. Wolfrum stated that he had evidence of Hannity murdering adorable little puppies.

What makes these allegations stronger is who they are being made by – unrepentant rightist Debbie Schlussel. And she definitely painted a dark picture of what Fox News Host Sean Hannity is doing with his “Freedom Concerts.”

“Sean Hannity’s Freedom Concerts are just a giant con,” wrote Schlussel.

The New York Times and dagblog's own Larry Jankens reported today on the recent growth of the "states' rights" movement among right wing militants and Tea Party activists opposed to big government. The states' rights supporters are known as "Tenthers" for their veneration of the 10th Amendment, which reserves for the states all powers that the Constitution does not explicitly grant to the federal government.