AKRON — Edward Crone and his family had just finished saying grace and were prepared to begin eating dinner when Senate Republicans – led by the retiring Jim Bunning – burst through the door and threatened to filibuster the meal.

“We see no way that the Crone family can possibly pay for this meal,” said Bunning. “If the Crone family can’t offset the price of a meal, what will they offset.”

Caught off guard, Senate Democrats said they had no choice but to cancel the Crone’s dinner, as the mere threat of the filibuster was an unbeatable weapon against them.

WASHINGTON – Inside sources confirm that U.S. President Barack Obama – completely hammered on Coors Light and Alabama Slammers – choked the living daylights out of Republican Senator Jim Bunning, today.

According to pretend journalist Andrew Breitbart, “The worst thing you can do …in politically correct America…is accuse somebody of being a (sic) racism.”

Let’s see if I can make it a little worser:

Andrew Breitbart is a cowardly racist.

Pass it on.

--WKW

Do you have Torts? Do you wake up each morning to see a Tort-infested life that is destroying everything you hold dear?

If that’s the case, then William K. Wolfrum’s Tort Reformation* is here for you.

Reading some of the news coverage about the murderers Amy Bishop and Joe Stack over the last two weeks, and some of the responses to them by internet commenters, I've had the nauseating feeling that Bishop and Stack have gotten what they want. Not what they purport to want, of course, not a promotion or a revolution, but the things that their violence was actually aimed at getting them. I've had a hard time putting my objection into clear words, so I'm going to resort to a story from history:

So President Obama's health care summit didn't go anywhere it wasn't expected to go. The Democrats made noises about bipartisan compromise and asked for Republican input. The Republicans demanded the whole bill (or more accurately both the bills) be scrapped entirely. The Democrats got no concessions. No reasonable person would have expected anything else at this point. And Barack Obama, who is a fairly reasonable person, must have expected to play out much the way it did.

What is the most persecuted demographic in the nation? It's not the blacks, the Jews, or the Hispanics, and certainly not the gays. One victim stands out in the gruesome annals of discrimination: the Beauty Queen.

The latest sacrifice to the bottomless hunger of the gay liberal hate monster is Miss Beverly Hills, Lauren Ashley. Ashley simply quoted an innocent line from the Bible:

HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful entity that controls all things on the planet, spoke to his people today for the first time in hundreds of years. Using the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert so that he wouldn’t shatter the eardrums and souls of ordinary humans, God was swift and to the point.

WASHINGTON – Despite hours of negotiations, President Barack Obama and Congressional Democrats were unable to move a brick wall in the center of the White House.

“This wall is weighing down the entire nation, but it just won’t listen to reason,” said Obama at a special press conference. “But I’m dedicated to offering it more leverage in these negotiations.”

The layman definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results.

That mentality, incidentally, also appears to be the cornerstone of Republican politics. We have seen it many times before: start a war or two, give tax cuts to the rich, and expect the national debt to decrease. If at first you don't succeed...

JERSEY – MTV has announced a new cast for its hit show “Jersey Shore.” After seeing a group of unknown Italian Americans take the nation by storm and put “Guido and Guidette” into popular culture, this season, some of America’s top Conservatives will have everyone talking about “Cons and Conettes.”

So, Andrew Joseph Stack was angry at the IRS for his financial problems. So he got in his plane....

Stop. Stop it. Stop right there.

Do people in the media ever listen to themselves?

We have a person who, aside from being a murderer, feels he's being unjustly treated by the taxman. And that person, who considers his woes so unbearable that he's willing to take human life, has at least one personal aircraft. I know what you're thinking: The poor man. It's like something out of Steinbeck.

Amy Bishop's murder of three colleagues, and attempt to murder three others, looks to be even less about tenure than I originally claimed ... but it's still university tenure that people want to talk about. It's become clear that Bishop would eventually have been fired under almost any conceivable system of review, and that Bishop would almost undoubtedly have responded violently to some other setback sooner or later.

While the U.S. economy continues to operate, the unemployment situation in the nation is still a giant area of concern. When unemployment hits 10 percent, economic heads explode. When it stays that way, it could be disastrous.

So while the recently passed “Jobs Bill” may seem like a nice addition to the battle for employment, U.S. politicos have yet to propose the only plan that could conceivably put the U.S. back on top.

It’s time to bring back slavery.

WASHINGTON – Speaking in front of thousands of supporters, President Abraham Lincoln today took time off his efforts to re-unite the nation, end the Civil War and slavery to berate a street performer that made off-color jokes about his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln.

My friends, we live in a dangerous time of social and cultural revolution. And those revolutions have turned political, meaning the very fate of the United States is in the balance.

My mother met Al Haig back in 1988, when he was under the impression that he was running for President. (Long before I was Doctor Cleveland I was the Granite State Kid, and in New Hampshire you can personally meet all the candidates, even the ones that other people won't remember were in the primaries.) Mom actually met nearly every primary candidate that year, Democratic and Republican, in a series of events sponsored by a local newspaper.

Recently, the name of a great American has been dragged through the mud. I speak of 53-year-old Andrew Joseph Stack, a man who loved his country so much, that he martyred himself to avoid paying taxes to it.

Dear Denny,

The disconnect never fails to amaze me. Death on a personal level is a heart-wrenching, life-altering affair. The recovery is a long process, filled with grief. Losing a loved one stays with you until you finally join them. But being part of the machine that gives others the same grief on a spectacular level has little to no effect.