William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Sarah Palin endorses Leviticus in N.Y. House race

    NEW YORK - Showcasing once again that she’s an ideological maverick, Alaska ex-governor Sarah Palin has announced that she is throwing her support behind surprise candidate Leviticus in in a special U.S. House election in Upstate New York. Leviticus will be competing for the seat against Assemblywoman Dede Scozzafava.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Catholic Stayed I

    William K. Wolfrum released this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

    "Having seen the love and admiration pouring from Conservative circles following Newt Gingrich's conversion to Catholicism, I feel it is time for me to come forward with an admission - I am a Catholic. And I always have been.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 20: Abraham pimps his wife, again

    Abraham the wandering Jew moved south again to the Negev, where he frequently visited the city of Gerar in the land of the Philistines.

    Commentary: The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel has written, "The Torah does not say why Abraham visited Gerar, but doubtless it was for a holy purpose known to God." Holy purpose my hairy Hebrew hiney. Read on, friends, read on.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Blogger to rewrite Holy Bible because it serves him poorly: "It's a masturbatory issue"

    OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.

    “From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”

    Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 19: No rear entry

    Two angels disguised as men came to the town of Sodom one evening. Abraham's nephew Lot met them at the city gate and invited them to stay with him. That night, all the men of Sodom, young and old alike, gathered at Lot's door and demanded that he release the strangers to them so that they could butt-rape* them.

    Commentary: Sodom was not a popular tourist destination.

    Lot, being a good host, refused this request and offered the mob his two virgin daughters instead.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 18: More bickering

    Three strangers on their way to Sodom stopped at Abraham’s house, and he offered them food and shelter. One of the strangers promised Abraham that Sarah would give birth in one year’s time. Sarah, who was eavesdropping on the conversation, heard the stranger and laughed, for at 90, she was post-menopausal.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Jesus Christ cancels Healing Insurance for the poor after dismal 3rd-quarter projections

    JERUSALEM — Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ’s talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

    Nebton's picture

    Null fish

    A while ago, a friend of mine introduced me to the concept of the "null fish". It's the atheists response to the Jesus fish. I know what you're thinking - don't we already have the FSM "fish", the Darwin fish, and the Evolve fish? Well, first of all the FSM fish technically advocates belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I don't think you can be an atheist and believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I'm pretty sure s/he qualifies as supernatural. As for the Darwin/Evolve fishes, they're not really particular to atheists, are they? I mean, several Christians et al.

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    Michael Wolraich's picture

    Congress to spend $100,000 to engrave "In God We Trust" at visitor's center

    Last week, the House of Representatives voted 410-8 to spend nearly $100,000 to engrave "In God We Trust" and the Pledge of Allegiance at the Capitol Visitor Center. The Wisconsin-based Freedom From Religion Foundation Inc. immediately sued to stop the engraving.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 17: Abram trims his plow

    When Abram turned 99, God came to him and said, “'I am God Almighty. Walk before Me and be perfect.”

    Commentary: Yessir, God definitely had a man-crush on Abram.

    Abram complied by falling flat on his face. Then God promised several more times to give Abram many, many offspring until Abram was about ready to tell God to shut up about the offspring already.

    But then God demanded a price for his largess: circumcision.

    Commentary: A kinky man-crush.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 16: Abram plows the field

    In the end, it was Sarai who solved the fertility problem. She suggested that Abram have sex with her Egyptian slave, Hagar. Abram enthusiastically followed her suggestion.

    Commentary: I suppose that I shouldn't ask whether Hagar was consulted in this arrangement.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 15: Doh!

    About this time, Abram discovered a small flaw in God’s divine plan to make his offspring as numerous as the dust of the earth: his wife was sterile. So when God came to him in a vision with more promises of greatness and plentiful offspring, Abram pointed out that Sarai’s advanced age and well-documented sterility could present a problem.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 14: Abram kicks ass

    There was at this time a war between nine kings of various tribes of ites and ims. Four of the kings defeated the other five, including the king of Sodom. The victors pillaged the possessions of the vanquished and took their people captive, including Abram’s nephew, Lot, who had been chilling in Sodom. When Abram heard of the kidnapping, he chased the four kings with 318 of his servants. He split his forces (all 318 of them) and rescued the captives and their possessions.

    Commentary: Obviously, these were not the most powerful kings ever to rule the Middle East.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 13: Three's a crowd

    So Abram, Sarai, and Lot, enriched by the prostitution business, headed back north to Canaan. They were so rich that the land couldn’t support all their flocks, and their herdsman started to squabble, so Abram told Lot to go one way, and he would go the other. Lot went east to the wicked city of Sodom, and Abram went west.

    Commentary: Lot did not have a good head for real estate.

    When Lot was gone, God promised Abram that all the land as far as he could see would soon be his and that his offspring would be as numerous as the dust of the earth.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 12: Abram pimps his wife

    When Abram turned 75, God told him to move out of his father’s house.

    Commentary: I have to agree with God on this one.

    To encourage him, God promised: “I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you great. You shall become a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and he who curses you, I will curse. All the families of the earth will be blessed through you.”

    Commentary: I think that God had a little man-crush on Abram.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 11: God is an asshole

    The descendents of Nimrod, the mighty trapper before God, settled in the valley of Shinar. Once they were settled, they decided that it would be fun to build a really tall tower that reached the sky, so that’s what they did.

    Then God came around to check out their tower, and he apparently wasn’t too pleased because he said,

    “They are a single people, all having one language, and this is the first thing they do! Now nothing they plan to do will be unattainable for them! Come, let us descend and confuse their speech, so that one person will not understand another's speech.”

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 10: Of ites and ims

    This is another boring chapter. It’s just a list Noah’s kids and grandkids and great grandkids who founded seventy nations between them, including a bunch of “ites”  (Canaanites, Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, Hivites, Overbites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Uptites, and Chamathites) and a few “ims” (Ludim, Anamim, Wetdrim, Lehabhim, Naftuchim, Pathrusim, Casluchim, Caphtorim, and Shavincrim). I didn’t count seventy, but that’s what the Great Rabbi says, and he is one wise counter.

    There is one line, however, that makes the whole chapter worth reading:

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 9: Noah gets naked

    When we last left our hero, Noah had disembarked from the ship and sacrificed a few clean animals to thank God for not drowning him, his family, and all the animals (except the sacrificed ones). God blessed Noah and his children, and in case they had forgotten, reminded them to be fruitful and multiply.

    Commentary: Sometimes, God reminds me of my mother.

    God also gave the people permission to eat the animals, though He forbade them from eating live animals.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 8: The earth gets dry

    After forty days, God, sealed the wellsprings of the deep and the floodgates of heaven. Then he created a wind that caused the floodwaters to gradually subside.

    Commentary: Where did the floodwaters subside to?

    After seven months, the boat ran aground on a mountain. After ten months, the mountain peaks became visible.

    Commentary: What exactly did the lions eat for ten months? Just wondering…

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