Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 10: Of ites and ims

    This is another boring chapter. It’s just a list Noah’s kids and grandkids and great grandkids who founded seventy nations between them, including a bunch of “ites”  (Canaanites, Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, Hivites, Overbites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Uptites, and Chamathites) and a few “ims” (Ludim, Anamim, Wetdrim, Lehabhim, Naftuchim, Pathrusim, Casluchim, Caphtorim, and Shavincrim). I didn’t count seventy, but that’s what the Great Rabbi says, and he is one wise counter.

    There is one line, however, that makes the whole chapter worth reading:

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 9: Noah gets naked

    When we last left our hero, Noah had disembarked from the ship and sacrificed a few clean animals to thank God for not drowning him, his family, and all the animals (except the sacrificed ones). God blessed Noah and his children, and in case they had forgotten, reminded them to be fruitful and multiply.

    Commentary: Sometimes, God reminds me of my mother.

    God also gave the people permission to eat the animals, though He forbade them from eating live animals.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 8: The earth gets dry

    After forty days, God, sealed the wellsprings of the deep and the floodgates of heaven. Then he created a wind that caused the floodwaters to gradually subside.

    Commentary: Where did the floodwaters subside to?

    After seven months, the boat ran aground on a mountain. After ten months, the mountain peaks became visible.

    Commentary: What exactly did the lions eat for ten months? Just wondering…

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 7: The earth gets wet

    God tells Noah to bring the animals again, but this time he specified seven pairs of each clean species and one pair of each unclean species.

    Commentary: The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel wrote,

    The Lord in his infinite foresight commanded Noah to bring seven pairs of each clean animal so that he might earn the Lord’s blessing by offering the additional pairs as holy sacrifices to His mercy.”

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 6: God gets pissed (again)

    The “sons of God” thought that human women were hot, so they took the ones that they wanted. The offspring (God’s grandchildren) were mighty giants. Meanwhile, God decided that humans were living too long, so he cut their maximum life spans to 120.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 5: Lifespans of the old and pious

    This chapter is just a list of Seth’s descendents and their spirited competition to see who could live the longest. I will spare the reader its boringness except to say that the consensus winner was Methuselah, who died at the ripe age of 969. However, supporters of Methuselah’s father, Enoch, dispute the result. God transported Enoch directly to paradise while he was a still young lad of 365, so technically, he didn’t die. The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel exhibits Solomon-like wisdom in his proposed resolution:

    Larry Jankens's picture

    Harvard Study Concludes: Church Sucks!

    A new study by Harvard researcher Robert Putnam (from Bowling Alone fame) says that the percentage of young Americans who claim they have no religious affiliation that usually hovers between 5-10% has skyrocketed to 30-40%. While this trend started in the 90’s and has continued through Generation X and Y this is still a startling change. Putnam is releasing his findings and his corresponding musing in a new book, “American Grace” due out later this year.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 4: Boys will be boys

    Having gained the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve set about going forth and multiplying, which is what God said that he wanted them to do in the first place. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain became a farmer and Abel a shepherd. Cain offered some of his crops to God, but Abel offered his fattest sheep, so God loved Abel and ignored Cain.

    Commentary: Couldn’t God make his own sheep? That’s like giving eggs to a chicken.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 3: With helpers like this...

    So God finished his business and left for vacation. Adam and the woman hung out in the garden with a particularly clever snake. When Adam was off doing something (don’t ask), the snake asked the woman about what fruit she was allowed to eat. The woman explained what God had said about the toxic properties of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The snake, who was apparently smarter than the people, told the woman that what God had said was false.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 2: Adam gets a "helper"

    As I said, God took a day off. It’s not clear what he did on his day off, but we hope something fun and relaxing. But before he called it quits, God made a pretty garden for the first man, Adam. The garden had some nice trees, including the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which is a long name for a tree. Before heading out, God commanded Adam not to eat from the tree with the long name for “the day you eat from it, you will definitely die.”

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 1: God’s first week of work

    At first, there wasn’t much of anything. Well, there was God, and there was some water, so maybe that’s a lot. But there wasn’t anything else, that’s my point. Then God decided to make some other stuff probably because he was bored of the water. So first he made some light so that he could see what he was doing. He thought that was a pretty good accomplishment for the first day and congratulated himself on a job well done.

    The second day, God made a hole in the water and called it the sky.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Introduction

    Last summer, a team of archaeologists excavating a Roman-era latrine outside Jerusalem made a remarkable discovery. Buried beneath centuries of silt and fecal matter, the archaeologists discovered an ancient manuscript. The manuscript appears to be an abridged version of the Old Testament with commentary by the infamous heretic, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen.

    Larry Jankens's picture

    Larry vs. Jesus Christ License Plates

    In case you didn’t hear, Florida approved the production and sale of the Jesus Christ license plate.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    Cheese Bread Jesus

    Once again, Jesus Christ has exposed himself to mortals though a tasty snack. This time, his vehicle of choice was toasted cheese bread.

    Deadman's picture

    If aliens don't exist, does God?

    First of all, let me just say how awesome dagblog has been of late. In the past few days, we've had fascinating posts and reader discussions about Sri Lanka, California healthcare, incipient deflation, Twitter's raison d'etre, NSA wiretapping, CIA torturing, etc. etc.

    I often wish we had more bloggers, a larger audience and even more active commenters, but the folks we do have are so good I worry that if that were so all we'd end up with would be a disappointing dilution in the strength of our output and our community.

    Orlando's picture

    The Vatican Issues a Special Message in Honor of International Women's Day: Ladies, Love your Maytag

    There is a vast amount of stupidity in this world and an even vaster amount of self-righteous and willful ignorance. So, congratulations to the Vatican for releasing perhaps the most monumentally ridiculous statement of the decade. With Republicans running amok, that is some accomplishment. Says the (all male) Vatican:

    Nothing has contributed more to the emancipation of women than the washing machine.

    Orlando's picture

    Penguins and Dragons and Reason, Oh My: A Visit to the Creation Museum

    Because of distance and three adorable and energetic kids, my best friend and I rarely have the luxury of spending time alone. But last Friday, we had the pleasure of spending an entire afternoon together. After lunch, we found ourselves at the Cincinnati Art Museum, and after wandering the galleries for about a half-hour, I asked an innocent question about other museums in the area. With a mischievous grin, my friend informed me that the Creation Museum was just a short drive over the state line into Kentucky.

    Deadman's picture

    USAir Flight 1549: Do you believe?


    So I was watching next-day coverage of the Hudson River airplane crash on CNN today and at some point one of the anchors brings up God and says something to the effect, "And if you're not already religious, something like this may make you believe."


    And it made me wonder,


    Michael Wolraich's picture

    Why the Giants Lost: The Oys Have It

    To understand why the New York Giants lost to the Philadelphia Eagles in Sunday's upset, we must first understand how they became the top-seeded NFC team in the first place. In the fall of 2007, the Giants were 0-2 and had gone 1-3 in the preseason. But in their third game of the season, they upset the Redskins and then kept on winning, ultimately defeating the Patriots to win the Superbowl. In 2008, they had another strong season, which earned them the top NFC seed.

    Prophet's picture

    Big News - Tim Tebow...

    Is an evangelist!

    I see playing football at Florida as a ministry and opportunity to share my faith even more. It's a chance to be a missionary without the title. (Tim Tebow)

    Oh yeah, he's also coming back for his senior year.



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