Mortimus's blog

The NFL Combine - A Rant

Mortimus — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:46:24 +0000

Right now over 300 college kids are parading around in sponsored spandex performing the President's Fitness Challenge for a bunch of googley eyed grown men. Well-paid football professionals and numbers geeks are oohing and aahing over tenths of a second in an effort to figure out which specimen they'll hand over the $50 million "Deal or No Deal" briefcase. Endless numbers of greased up Mel Kiper wannabees are plotting these numbers into formulas trying to find the NFL equivalent of e=mc2. Here's a tip: You can slice and dice these digits all you want, but when the digits don't mean anything the only solution you'll come up with is that you are wasting your fucking time.

Imagine if we held a combine for NBA prospects and we judged them by the speed of their 'suicide sprints' or by a tense game of "horse" (no dunking allowed of course). Or for baseball players we measured their prospective power hitting ability by how fast they can swing their arm submerged in an above ground pool.

Part of me thinks this is some large conspiracy by the entire NFL scout community who doesn't feel like breaking down game film of 200+ schools. Simple numbers are much easier to organize on Microsoft Excel then say something like intangibles or I don't know...talent! So to make it easier they pull out their handy dandy stop watch, yell "go" 1...2...3...4...5 "nope, no good, next and go" 1...2...3...4.4.25 "WOAH, jot that kid's name down. 4.25! You can't teach that!"

It reminds me of when I used to pull out my large black casio keyboard watch (aka chick magnet), switch on the stopwatch function and see how quickly I could click it on and off. (for the record I broke .08 once) This 40-yard dash serves about the same amount of purpose. Here's a crazy idea, why not have these players run in pads? You know the stuff they actually play in? And why not have them run with a couple of obstacles (oh I don't know, say some guy bumping them on the line?), and after they have done cardio for the last 2 1/2 hours. I'm sure my 9 year old niece would be awfully competitive with me in a foot race, though I'm quite confident that if we strapped 15 pounds of foam and hardened plastic onto her frame she wouldn't stand a chance. Now if we both had to in pads plow through a 230 lb linebacker after moving furniture for the last 150 minutes to get to those 40 yards, I like my chances.

Now to test strength they use the bench press. What better way to determine the physical strength of a player in a sport dominated by leverage than by testing how strong their breasts are? It's a completely archaic measuring tool. All I can envision are these 600 NFL scouts equipped with massive chests and itty bitty legs roaming the combine grounds going up to players and asking them like that Emilio Estevez SNL Skit "Hey you, how much ya bench?" ... "You! the All-American Fred Biletnikoff winner, I don't care about your stats, answer one thing: How much ya bench?" I suppose if everyone in the NFL was a paraplegic lining up on the line of scrimmage plopped in their motorized scooter it might come in handy, but we haven't gotten there yet. If the NFL really wanted to beef up their scouting they'd have players do squats or dead lifts - exercises that actually incorporate 3/4 of your body rather than just your tits.

Let me tell you a story about a kid I knew in high school. He was a brainy fellow, with a body the consistency of lemon merengue custard. He was a whiz on the black and ivory keys and could play the meanest baddest version of the Charlie Brown theme song that you've ever heard. So come gym fitness test time (we didn't have to wear spandex) our teacher tried to see who could bench 225lbs. A few of the guys on the football team were able to do it, while most failed. However, this soon to be Yale grade who probably only associated "Crunch" with a Nestle Bar accomplished the task with ease and for the rest of his tenure paraded around the high school halls with his "I Benched 225lbs" manly man t-shirt with fatboy pride. It was the biggest 'FU' to the jock community outside of graduation day. 1,400 teenagers soon figured out that the test didn't mean shit, yet the most lucrative sport in the U.S. still hasn't had their unathletic geek benching 225 moment. Well allow me to illuminate one for them.

Last season the Jets drafted Vernon Gholston, a guy with the physique of what I envision Adonis having if he drank three daily Androstenedione Slushee Big Gulps and had roids pumping through his body 24/7 on an IV drip. They were so enthralled with his 40-time and his 37 reps of 225lb bench press that they took him with the #6 pick and threw $40 million at him. He responded with all of 13 tackles. Yes, he barely registered half a tackle for each million in his $21 million signing bonus gift card. You want to know how that was possible? Its because HE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL!!! The guy didn't know how to use his body nor could understand what the hell the offense was doing on any single play. Of course, if you told him to line up and run in a straight line the guy was a maestro. Nobody is better at sitting on a bench and lifting something repetitively than Vernon. Next year, during week 11 with 3:12 left in the 3rd quarter when the Chargers and Jets go at the "lifting steel several time" competition, we will own them!!!

So in conclusion, any GM (especially one who wears a green starter jacket) who gets approached by their scouts about prospects who had a 4.3 or a terrific shuttle do the NFL loving community and I a favor - Fire them and tell them that they are wasting your fucking time.

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Sports

Brett Favre Retires!

Mortimus — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:41:46 +0000

We've done it again boys. Garcon! Mount #4's taxidermied head in the hallowed hallway of Jet misery. Put it dead center - right in between Doug Brien's foot and the floor plans of the Manhattan stadium.

Do you really need any more proof that this is the saddest franchise in the NFL? (Shut it Lions fans you get to bathe in your 0-16 bragging rights). It took just 6 months for us to extinguish the most unquenchable fire in NFL history. 6 measly months to get the guy who refused to take a seat a day after burying his father to cry "uncle." 180 days for the guy who was willing to sully his glorious Packers career to convince himself that returning for another season with the Jets just wasn't worth it.

Yes, we are that good. Shocker that Brett won't hold a press conference to make the retirement announcement. Likely because he might find it hard to shed tears carrying around a smile ripped straight from an Aqua Fresh ad.

Did anyone really think he'd ride out his decision for months? You really think Brett sat there nestled in his plush cowhide bean bag chair contemplating a return to the Jets? With one good haloed angel on his right shoulder screaming "You have nothing more to prove!" and the evil angel on the left countering "Another year with the Jets? I might carry a trident, but I'm not a dick."

Frankly, I'm saddened as it's back to irrelevancy for the green and white. I enjoyed Barnum and Favrely's circus while it lasted on its brief trip through my town. So much for NFL Monday Nighters and Madden football covers. So much for Tuesdays with Sports Television Glaury (sic). Now we'll have to garner headlines the old fashioned way - by accidentally shooting ourselves at nightclubs or by beating Rihanna.

I'm going to miss him. I couldn't have cared less how many picks he threw - you could've trotted him out there limbless perched on a Hoveround and shrouded in a Snuggie and I would have been thoroughly entertained. As an organization we deserve a "thank you" from the NFL. A gift basket, a Vermont Teddy Bear, a Pajama gram, at least something to show some appreciation for finally quelling the Favre saga. 6 months ago it would have taken a stretcher to end Favre's career, turns out just a brief stint in our shoes could do the trick.

Brett Favre has retired for good.

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Sports

Michael Phelps Smoking Pot? Weed! Marijuana? Or Super Secret Lung Training Technique??? Picture + 10

Mortimus — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 03:14:21 +0000

1. God, does this guy have to endorse everything!?!

2. I think it's safe to say he's a shoe-in for "High Times: Sportsman of the Year"

3. So that's how he was able to put down 8,000 calories in a day without a problem

4. Note to College Swim Coaches around the country: Your team's eyes aren't red tomorrow from the chlorine

5. Ohhh, so that's why it was so foggy in China

6. "Oh you better take an 8th hit Michael. Spitz took 7 down easy."

7. Now, thats what I call Rosetta Stone'd (ZING!)

8. Unlikely this will be Wheaties next cereal cover for one reason only: No sign of the gold medals

9. If you squint hard enough you can see Jason Lezak nudging him forward.

10. Just prepping for the Winter X-Games

I smell an updated John Belushi SNL Skit:"That's why cannabis and carefully blown glass have been on my breakfast table ever since I was a kid"

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Sports

Humor & Satire

Super Bowl Prop Bets - An Outsider's Perspective, part 2.

Mortimus — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 18:50:55 +0000

Nourishment for your gambling Jones. Part 2 is here:

Willie Parker rushing yards
-5.5
-110
Portland State points
+5.5
-110

I half don't even believe this college exists. I'm actually curious to know if Sportsbook offers a side bet on whether or not this was the faux school that was concocted in the Justin Long movie "Accepted." Still, kudos to the PSU boys on finally getting some national recognition. I'm envisioning the entire student body sitting around their dorm rooms popping the Natty Light and toasting themselves "We finally made it boys. All those disfigured cuticles, all those years fighting to get into the NCAA tourney for some limelight and instead we get graced by the manicured index finger of the Vegas god. I knew the decision to go with my tertiary school would pay off in due time."

Frustration Scale: 2. It's a pretty straight forward bet, though you know the PSU boys dropped their whole student loan payment on this gift wrapped goodness

Where I'm betting: I'm taking the Vikings (yes, I looked that up). I don't think this prop is coincidental. The landlord of Vegas I'm betting is a PSU alum and he knows something that we don't. He's got the Montana State roster on payroll and if he doesn't I'm suggesting Willie Parker strap kevlar onto his knees.

A Better Idea For a Bet: Willie Parker yards vs. South Harmon Institute of Technology points

Steelers + Cardinals total touchdown
-.5
+110
Phil Mickelson fourth round birdies
+.5
-130

I'd love to get into the spirit of the Phil Mickelson hatred because frankly I just don't understand it. Why do people care so much about this guy? It's not like I'm rooting for the New York Mickelsons, or the Notre Dame Phils. This is one dude, one! Playing by himself, for himself, and no one but himself. Good for him, why do I care? When he chokes does it embarrass you and your showcased living room "Fathead." Does it bother you that he makes $50 million as an athlete but still needs a Manzier? (ok, I admit that bothers me).

Frustration Scale: 7. Either I have to suffer through a golf broadcast for three hours before the most intense game on the planet, or I have to figure out how to read a golf scorecard. Oy. I still don't know the difference between a circle or square around the number. And odds are I'd have to read through the scorecard at least 11 times "Hold on guys, I'm not hitting play on the DVR until I know full well how many TDs I have to root against." Plus, if I lose because of an eagle that doesn't count as a birdie my fathead is going to explode all over the Vegas strip.

Where I'm betting: I'm betting with Phil. I know he's going to screw me over, but at least I can officially become baptized as a Mickelson hater. This also might be the only opportunity I get to chastise someone during a tranquil round of golf like I was painted blue and nestled inside Cameron Indoor. Hey, when you see a fork in the road take it, then scrape it slowly down your HDTV like sharp steel on chalkboard.

A Better Idea For a Bet: Steelers + Cardinals total touchdown vs. $100,000's in Phil Mickelson's paycheck.

What song will Bruce Springsteen sing to end his halftime show at the Super Bowl?
Born in the USA: 2/1
Born to Run: 3/2
Glory Days: 4/1
The Rising: 4/1
The Wrestler: 5/1
Radio Nowhere: 8/1
I’m on Fire: 12/1

Oooh, now we are getting interesting. Nothing quite taking a classic concert then soiling it by only being vested in its conclusion.

Frustration Scale: 9. This can go many ways, most of them bad. There's always the chance you can get a thrown a curveball and the E-Street Band does some crazy mashup and you get screwed based on the last lyric. Also, taking this bet ensures the worst concert you'll ever see. "GET GLORY DAYS OUT OF THE WAY, SING IT, SING IT ALREADY!" .... "THE FLAG IS UNFURLED, SING BORN GOD DAMN IT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR" If your significant other is a big time Bruce fan, this could be remembered as the moment when they packed their bags.

Where I'm betting: There's no way he doesn't end with "Born to Run," no way. If he ends with "The Wrestler" then I'll be more disappointed in Bruce then the fact that I just pissed away money in a fierce depression. "Sorry honey, we can't go to dinner for a few weeks, because F'ing Bruce played 'The Wrestler,' yup, he took the opportunity in front of a billion people to lobby for an oscar nod." Sidenote: if I had a serious rooting interest in this game I'm hoping Bruce ends with "I'm on Fire" and just cools the stadium and sucks any momentum out. Imagine being Coach Tomlin and hearing "I'm on Fire" while trying to keep your guys rallied. "Ear muffs guys, ear muffs!!!"

A Better Idea For a Bet: During which song does Bruce Springsteen reveal his cock to a national audience?

How many times will NBC show Brenda Warner on TV during the game?
Over/under: 3 1/2

Man, we just can't get rid of Brenda can we? She's like that Monty Python character that keeps wanting to fight even though he keeps losing every one of his limbs (yes, that reference needs to be made at least once in every irreverent piece on the internets).

Frustration Scale: 9. Geez, I guess I want the Cardinals to get blown out, but even then I still risk the opportunity of Brenda going ape-shizzle by streaking onto the field grabbing the line judge dragging him into the instant replay booth then reading him scripture about needing glasses.

Where I'm betting: If it's a close game then I'm a goner. So I'm taking the over. It's going to be too irresistible for John and Al to not bring up Brenda during every dead air moment. Plus, you know she's going to be engaging in some seriously entertaining prayer acts and the cameraman knows he greases his pocket with that footage. If you can't beat them, join them. This is easy money.

A Better Idea For a Bet: How many times will NBC show Brenda Warner greasing her hair with gel during the game?

The opening coin toss will be:
Heads
-101
Tails
-101

This is odd because the coin flip is how I've decided which way to go on 3/4 of these. Still I'm a tails guy, always have, always will be until I end up in that bootleg Vegas casino and lose my entire family's savings ala Vegas Vacation letting it all ride on the backside.

Frustration Scale: 2. I'm not the guy to bitch and moan about wind gusts or bad bounces, rather I'm the guy to bitch about the size and engravings on the "special super limited commemorative act now while supplies last special edition Super Bowl hand engraved game time coin."

Where I'm betting: See: Tails guy

A Better Idea For a Bet: Who gets to call heads or tails, the Cards or Steelers?

To check out Part 1 click here: Here

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Topics:

Sports

Humor & Satire

Super Bowl Prop Bets - An Outsider's Perspective, part 1.

Mortimus — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 23:46:37 +0000

It's hard to care about this year's Super Bowl. Sure, I could take the easy route and blame it all on the world melting around us like a spoonful of margarine grilling on my Rachel Ray cookware. But I won't, I can believe it's more than transfatty fake butter. Unfortunately we got ourselves two high quality teams, armed with likeable personnel and two Jesus-like figures under center - one who is see here: and the other whose cranium can withstand a high speed Harley accident. It sort of reads like an awful M. Night Shyamalan script, and as I've painfully learned with his last few bombs, it's best not to get too excited. So as the good bookie says in Gamblus 24:7 "whenever in need of a little boost of excitement, throw a little cash on it." Well, I shall oblige and I'm taking my favorite prop bets along with me.

Willie Parker rushing attempts
-3.5
-110
Allen Iverson points
+3.5
-110

Good to see Allen Iverson is still relevant. Seriously, you could have told me he bolted for the European leagues last summer and now plays for Olympiacos Piraeus and my reaction would be "oh wow, him too huh?"

Frustration Scale: 6. I cringe at the thought of seeing myself standing face pressed up against the television screaming "GIVE HIM THE DAMN BALL!!!!" And then high-fiving everyone when he gets a 2 yard gain. There's something wrong about rooting for a guy, but not enough to save yourself from screaming bloody murder when he pulls off a 95 yard run. If I take Willie I'm pretty much just hoping he's durable enough to get the crap kicked out of himself on 30 separate occasions.

Where I'm betting: I'm taking AI. Sure, I could've been fooled into thinking he was playing in Europe now but I still know better than to think Iverson has magically matured into pass happy these last couple of years. Plus, it will be downright enjoyable to watch him chuck it 35 times effortlessly, and if he's not I can bank that Iverson will be right along with me being just as pissed.

A Better Idea For a Bet: Allen Iverson points vs. Willie Parker's yards on 3rd down

Jersey number of player to score first touchdown
Over 38.5
-110
Under
-110

I like this bet only because it reads like the dumbest idea outside of the heads/tail prop, but you know there were SERIOUS mathematics done to figure out the exact number. Like the whole sports bookie community put on their hard hat and pulled out their calculator, covered their blackboards in chalk and came up with the number 38.314159265

Frustration Scale: 9. Wow. Think of the hour of enjoyment it will be figuring out whose on your side or not - like some bootleg color war. Anquan Boldin, good! Larry Fitzgerald bad. Jerheme Urban good!, Edgerrin James bad. Hines Ward good!, Santonio Holmes bad. It hurts just doing this in my head now.

Where I'm betting: I'm taking the under. Partly because my high school jersey number was 38, but more so because I know this is being decided by either a pick-6 or a QB sneak and I don't want to be on the other side of this bet when it happens. Circuit City has already liquidated their HDTV's and I'm not paying retail for a new one.

A Better Idea For a Bet: Jersey number of player to be charged with the first penalty +/- 75

Heath Miller receptions
-1.5
+120
Newcastle + Sunderland goals
+1.5
-140

Kudos to Sportsbook for trying to sucker the English into watching this game. Ironically, they'll probably have better luck picking out Heath Miller on the field than I will.

Frustration Scale: 0. Frustration? C'mon. The idea of 1/2 a million British hooligans boarding a plane loaded with pick axes and torches all to bust up Heath Miller's face during the Super Bowl celebration parade does nothing but excite me. I pity Heath for getting dragged into the British gambling scene like some unlucky bystander on the show "What would you do" (you know the one with John Quinones!) but I'm wise enough to appreciate its humor value.

Where I'm betting: I'm going Heath all the way. A. because he's American and B. just so I can scream "RECEPTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN" like some crazed Colombian soccer announcer whenever he hauls it in.

A Better Idea For a Bet: Heath Miller receptions vs. Newcastle + Sunderland flares that land on the field.

Arizona Cardinals points
+.5
-110
Largest lead by T-Wolves or Celtics
-.5
-110
This sounds to me like a sucker's bet. It should just read "largest lead by Celtics...and uhhh yea sure we'll throw in the T-Wolves if it will make you sleep easier." Forget even a 30 point lead, no chance the T-Wolves are going up by more than 12 unless of course unless the "Three Amigos" get tied down in the 1st quarter by El Guapo.

Frustration Scale: 8. Where do I even find "largest lead" on the stat sheet? Basically you're telling me I have to watch the C's game on PIP and for 3 hours go "yes, yes, yes, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no." I can think of few more torturous ways to watch a game. Maybe if I took a gamble on the over/under on how many times the ball went out of bounds on a fly.

Where I'm betting: I'm taking the Cards. Not that I don't think the Wolves can lose by 40, it's just I'd rather watch the game knowing what I got to beat. More importantly taking the evening game provides me with a nice buffer from any "We need to talk" intervention from friends and family. Trade in "largest lead" number for "numbered box in local bar Super Bowl pool" and you're good to go.

A Better Idea For a Bet: Arizona Cardinals Points vs. Number of minutes Brian Scalabrine spends on the bench.

Mitch Berger’s first punt gross yards
-3.5
-110
Kevin Durant points + rebonds + assists
+3.5
-110

I'm not even 100% which team Mitch Berger plays on but I love the ingenuity of this bet. It makes me conjure up images of these bankers 8 years ago in a back room creating credit default swaps, tapping their fingers together in delight and thinking to themselves how flawless this whole system is. Just know If Mitch Berger shanks his first punt and conversely the entire sports world implodes - I brought it to your attention first.

Frustration Scale: 3. This is an all of nothing deal. All I have to hope for is poor field position and for Mitchie to belt the bejesus out of it like Kyle's little Canadian brother. I can live with that, and then get on with enjoying the rest of the game focusing on more important things like total first downs, QB kneels, and halftime show length.

Where I'm betting: I've always wanted to know the anxiety behind a punt. You know, being the wimpiest guy on the team and being counted on 5 times a game not to blow it for the guys three times the size of you toughing it out in a half cracked endoskeleton. I'm not deferring on that chance.

A Better Idea For a Bet: None, this bet is perfect.

Check out Part 2 here: Here

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Sports

Humor & Satire

Check It - The Bailout Game

Mortimus — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:07:39 +0000

You know the recession is getting deep when we are creating interactive Monopoly games mocking it. After all it was the Great Depression which served us up the original top hat, monocle and thimble (or so one dag blogger so falsely convinced me).

Though there isn't any Marvin Gardens or '$10 for 2nd place at a beauty contest' it's certainly worth your time. That is if total domination of a debt-riddled, pitchfork carrying, moral-less country is your cup of Chinese funded tea.

http://www.thebailoutgame.us/

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Business

NFL Playoffs - Figuring Out Who To Root For

Mortimus — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:23:24 +0000

First let me start off by saying that this isn't a particularly easy post for me to write. It'd be an honor to delight you all with a long diatribe about the Jets annual implosion, but that would conflict with one of the great joys of being their fan. That of course is the joy of pocketing all the rage and torment into the pit of my stomach and then watching it explode at the most inopportune times like a bootleg 8th century jack-in-the-box. Like that time a few years back after Doug Brien missed two field goals in the last two minutes against the Steelers and I had to be escorted out of a Dunkin Donuts after receiving 27 cents of change in the form of three nickels, a dime and two pennies. What can I say, I like quarters.

The answer to the above question has been pretty simple in the past, and the answer was always: Whoever the heck was playing the Patriots. Alas, with no hoodie and the Jets busy ending the careers of college coaches I've become like a tipsy teenager lying in the corner sobbing without a prom date. Don't be mistaken, I didn't enter the ballroom alone, rather I had two potential suitors. One was a Mr. Chad Pennington who I still felt wore green underneath his jersey like a weak-armed Clark Kent. And the other was the Colts. Why the Colts? Well, first, because I think it'd be kick-ass (phrase warranted) to see a Manning on Manning championship - the ultimate sibling rivalry played out for 1 billion people with the loser getting a wet willie and a dutch oven instead of a post-game handshake. And secondly, because I want the best teams to win in the NFL. Super Bowl winners are cast in Bronzed American hero and Disney ears and for the rest of my life I will be bombarded by endless NFL Films coverage of these games. Really, imagine if you had to hear in a deep-throated voice the greatness of Neil O'Donnell and Stan Humphries until your death. Imagine if after the 2000 Super Bowl your 5 year old boy went out in the backyard to practice becoming the next Trent Dilfer (Reality cringe).

So now with the wheat separated from the chaff, and the AFC East separated from the NFL I'm taking another stab, and planting my green lipped kiss of death on one more team (fans of the winner I do apologize). Here are my musings:

Giants - I supported them last year but that was more so I could quench my thirst for those delicious sodium packed New England tears. Supporting them twice in a row in the playoffs and I might as well start calling myself "Client 9" to conceal my identity in my Jets marriage. Also, I reap nothing from their victory. The problem is two-fold. First, every time I reveal myself as a Jet fan I'm forced to follow it up with an explanation. "So you're from New York, huh, well congrats on your Giants man, they are awesome!....oh....you're a Jet fan?!!?...why?" Second a back-to-back championship and we'll be crossing into arrogant gloating territory. Defending myself to pompous Giant fans "No I swear I was backing you the whole time" will be futile. I know this because it was entirely futile last season and my reasons were more than substantial. The name blasted on Giants stadium already pronounces my inferiority, another win and I'll be referred to as the Giants AAA-affiliate.

Eagles - I love McNabb and I like Andy Reid. But those fans. It's not the violence that gets me, as far as I'm concerned launching batteries and snowballs at Santa is all well and good (if not really colorful). It's the bitching about the roster. No team outside spygate has had it as good this century, yet every season I'm inundated with Eagles bitching, it's as if it's mandated in the city charter. Philly has tried to cut ties with McNabb for years, and for what good reason? For Kevin Kolb? The guy who threw 3 picks and zero TDs after a 'tie' misunderstanding? I wish the Eagles were saddled with an atrocious QB. For New Year's I made a resolution that Kellen Clemens becomes their Quarterback. Yea, I know it's not really a resolution but I wanted to go fancy this year and trade in my goal for self-improvement into someone's ill will. I admire McNabb, really I do. Because I'm pretty sure the only reason he sticks around is for the possibility of the post Super Bowl celebration. That moment when he's on the podium with his teammates and Roger Goodell. That eternal moment when Goodell hands him the Lombardi trophy and the microphone. As he speaks, joy washes over his face, and the wrinkles ease as years of built up frustration finally let loose. "The fans and the city of Philadelphia...this one's for you" The crowd explodes in excitement. Donovan puts down the trophy, and extends his middle finger to the crowd "I'm out"

Panthers - I still think Steve Smith hasn't gotten his due for the most overlooked TD celebration of all time: "The Baby Football Wipe." And more than a significant part of me wants him to give the media a chance to make amends by wiping the fecal matter off the Lombardi Trophy before rocking it to bed. But I think it would be a little weird for Jake Delhomme in year 6 of being backup/starting QB to win Super Bowl MVP (and I'm sure he'd still have to show proof of identification at the yearly "SB MVP Luge Outings" held in Lillehammer). Plus, I'm tired of all this "Carolina" crap. Stop trying to be so inclusive. We all know the team is located in Charlotte, so call yourself the "Charlotte Panthers" or the "North Carolina Panthers." I've got a brilliant idea for a team it's called "America Liberty" (located in Los Angeles) but everyone can be a fan, yay!

Titans - Tennessee has several things going for them. First, they are QB'd by a guy who didn't even have to dress up for his 'drunken sea captain' costume this Halloween. Second, it will be downright delightful to see how much weight LenDale White packs on in the off-season as a champion. If I'm a Chinese food delivery man I'm dropping every one of my menus at his stoop. If Sportsbook doesn't put up that prop bet they are fools, and if they don't put the over/under at at least 35lbs then they are going to get cleaned out. Third, Jeff Fisher deserves it. Management has stuck with him for 15 years, and it'd be nice if they could have their faith confirmed. Yea, it's not funny, but what can I say, I'm a sap for people not getting laid off. Of course, the Titans are also responsible for kneecapping my Jets with delusions of grandeur, and its hard to root for a guy (Albert Haynesworth) who tried to turn Andre Gurode's head into a Jackson Pollock painting.

Steelers - I like Pittsburgh. They've got a deeply loyal fan base with management that consistently produces a solid honest product on the field. You also have to respect a city that hosts a baseball team that they know full well will never win another title in their lifetimes. There isn't a whole lot not to like. Bonus: another Steelers Lombardi trophy and the odds of Bill Cowher jawing it on the field (and hopefully for my Jets) skyrockets. Still, I like my NFL deeply paritied, and Pittsburgh is starting to infringe on 'piggish territory.' Shivers are going up my spine as I type this envisioning the trademarked chant "one for the other thumb." ooohoooh. Also, I'm not sure how great of a spokesman this makes Ben Roethlisberger for helmet safety. "Yea, I crashed headfirst going 45 with no protection. True I won my second title and Super Bowl MVP a couple years later, and a subsequent $75 million contract extension, but so what? Listen up kids: safety first."

Chargers - Had this been a few years back they almost assuredly would have been my pick. I love LT. I don't think it can be overstated how amazing it is to hijack a nickname from a legend. Think of how likely it would be for Marquis Jamison to don the acronym "MJ" as a 7'2" Center in the NBA? But did anyone look less excited after their win last week than him? Fact is, LT's broken down and he's been usurped by a 5'5" Sonic the Hedgehog - though I shall note, definitely a feather in their cap. Still, Merriman's absence means the loss of a transcendent defensive player getting his due. Jamal Williams and Antonio Cromartie are great, but not jersey throwing Coca-Cola commercial material. Plus, I have a distinct feeling that Philip Rivers will not be a humble champion. He strikes me as the guy who slaps it on the pinkie, and juts it out whenever he takes a sip of Vitamin Water, or overtly licks the pinkie padding whenever noshing on buffalo wings in the company of Donovan McNabb, Drew Brees, Matt Hasselbeck, Carson Palmer and Dan Marino.

Ravens - I feel like we've done this before. But even the 2000 team had a future 2,000 yard running back. Hearing a baritoned voice on NFL Films repeating the name Le'Ron McClain 20 times isn't getting me excited. Plus, I want to see an explosive Super Bowl, not half a game of 3 and out with the Ravens D collecting bounties of cracked helmets (see: Necessary Roughness). More importantly, a Ravens Super Bowl cements the likelihood of those dastardly Brian Billick Coors Light commercials being played on loop - plus, a couple of overproduced fresh ones incorporating talking frogs and a hammer swinging Olympian.

Cardinals - I'm going with the Cardinals for one reason only, and that's for the greatest story in the history of sports (hyperbole my arse) to more ridicululize (sp?) itself. Plus, when Disney comes out with the movie "Kurt Warner: This Story is True. No We Swear" in a few years they'll have to explain the Brenda Warner phone calls, the NY Giants years, and Matt Leinart losing his job because of some well-documented funneling with co-eds. They won't be able to just cut it off with Dick Vermeil and him sobbing together in celebration. And more importantly because after Warner wins for the 2nd time, he'll grab the mic and say "first I'd like to thank God, wait, just so everyone knows...I am God. Don't freak out, calm down, just everybody stay cool, everything is going to be alright, the world is not going to come to an end I promise you. Yea, I am God. I really don't know why you are all surprised, did you really think that some 40-year old stock boy could pull this shit off twice!!! C'mon, I won my first Super Bowl by a yard for Kurt's sake! I created you guys in my own image and frankly I thought you would have been a wee bit more observant. No hard feelings Matt, but I totally Kurt'D you in the off-season, those ladies were angels and I was the photographer. Oh, and I'm going to Disney World. As a matter of fact, I'm there right now, actually I've been there this entire game."

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Sports

Humor & Satire

Are the Yankees' Free Agent Signings...

Mortimus — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 21:27:59 +0000

The Scariest Economic Indicator of all?!?!

Wall Street is a barren stretch of gloom and tumbleweed, unemployment could sniff double digits in '09, yet the Yankees are spending money as if its 'the day after tomorrow.'

$423.5 million in total salary
Mark Teixiera - 8 years, $180 million
C.C. Sabathia - 7 years, $161 million
A.J. Burnett - 5 years, $82.5 million

In less than 10 days the Pinstripes poured through enough money to make even Dennis Kozlowski blush.

Contrary to popular belief the Yankees until recently had tightened the reins on their free-spending ways. In an effort to mimic the Red Sox roster model they opted to grow their team via the farm system (Joba Chamberlain, Melky Cabrera, Ian Kennedy, Phil Hughes, Jose Tabata) while snuffing high-ticketed FA's not snuggling late night with Madonna.

So why I ask during the worst economic crisis in 70 years are Steinbrenner and Co. engaging in a Roman orgy while drinking Stolichynaya Vodka spewing from Ice-Sculpted Michelangelo's penis?

Sure, you could throw out several decent arguments: over $80 million coming off the books with expiring contracts to Giambi, Pavano, Abreu and Mussina. Potential for massive revenue if all the seats in "Yankee Stadium The Sequel" manage to suck all the currency from the hot-dog fed asses of its inhabitants.

Yes, all valid.

But I'm going to throw out a third - One that foolishly transforms the Yanks into financial savants rather than short-sighted cash burning arsonists.

With the dollar the strongest in years, and the Fed recycling the Amazon into trillions over night, I'm postulating that the Yankees might be locking in long term deals knowing that the inherent values of these contracts will be halved or thirded??? in the next few years.

I know this is a crazy conspiracy theory - thinking that anyone in New York has any idea how to invest wisely. But is it that crazy? Nobody else in the league can offer this much money now, the 2009 free-agent market is notably dry, and when the economy picks up sometime in early 2010 hyper-inflation could wipe the faces off our dollars and make these contracts look as though they are valued in yen.

Sure, I'll have no way of knowing whether I'm right for a little while (though don't worry - I promise I'll pound this digital code over and over if we're back to bartering in 24 months) but be warned: If Manny in a week or so asks for the 3rd and 4th years of his contracts to be paid out in scoops of gold dust I suggest you start finding a hedge for your dollar based bank account.

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Sports

The Shoe Bomber Returns (aka The George Bush Shoe Throwing Video) + 10

Mortimus — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 20:28:39 +0000

1. Honestly the most impressed I've ever been with Bush

2. You heard it here first: Obama's toast in Presidential dodgeball

3. "Mr. President I'd take a bullet for you...a shoe?...not so much"

4. "That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who
throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!"

5. Take a whiff of the quickest draw in the Middle East

6. "No I didn't mean to do that - It's a nervous tick I swear:

7. 'Joe the Shoe-Throwing Reporter'

8. "I told you keeping a radar gun here was a bad idea"

9. "Mr. President, we're under attack by Bostonian"

10. "Haha, we got you. You've been IRAQ'D"

Bidding for these shoes starts on Ebay tomorrow

Topics:

Humor & Satire

Barry Sanders Jr. - Video + 10

Mortimus — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:03:17 +0000

Yea, he's a freshman in high school.

Behold...

A few quick thoughts:

1. So if he's Barry to his father Bobby Bonds that means....oh this kid is doomed

2. Looks like the only person who could tackle him is Lawrence Taylor Jr. Although I believe Li'l LT was out behind the school yard doing blow during this play

3. "Good game guys, I thought our defense was solid, we did a great job stopping the run. And I'd like to thank the offense for staying the hell out of Barry's way."

4. 10 bucks says he retires by his Junior year

5. I admit I'm pumped to see in a few years what a Sanders will look like in a non-pixelated video game

6. When he's a Senior I think it would only be fair that he play helmetless and covered in bubblewrap

7. "Thanks so much Coach Stoops for the BMW and this insane case of cash" "I don't know what you're talking about" "You know this Samsonite case of 100's with shiny car keys hanging from it you just handed me a second ago" "I don't know what you're talking about"

8. I'd love to see this coach's playbook: Handoff, handoff, handoff, play-action, handoff, handoff, play-action, handoff

9. He should just join the AFL and blaze his own path

10. "Ok guys, coach wants us to throw deep this time....hahah...Just kidding. Coach wants spin move, juke, leap over two guys, speed burst and minimal end-zone celebration. BREAK!"

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Sports