LAS VEGAS - In a shocking move by Ultimate Fighting Championship owner Dana White, President Barack Obama has been named the winner of Ultimate Fighter season 10, replacing Roy Nelson as this season’s winner.

When Barack Obama began his more-or-less Keynesian approach to fixing a U.S. economy that was terribly broken by Milton Friedman`s rehashed laissez faire approach, two strange things happened amongst Republicans. First, Republicans began crowing about how they dominated social media web sites like Twitter - a meme primarily put out by Republicans. Second, every Republican in a state position immediately thrust themselves into the national political picture.

Today, the job market is in turmoil. Hard-working, clean-living Americans are finding themselves out of work and on unemployment lines. Families are suffering. Life is more of a struggle then ever.

SIMI VALLEY - Celebrated golfer Tiger Woods - in the midst of his biggest personal crisis - has announced that he will do a full photo shoot for Playgirl Magazine’s Christmas issue.

“Tiger’s aware that he’s let down many of his fans recently,” said a spokeman for Woods. “We believe this photo shoot will remind people of just how impressive Tiger really is.”

For more than 30 years, Americans of all sizes, shapes and colors admired Tiger Woods and his golf game. Now, when the name Tiger Woods is mentioned, you can only think of one thing - his Penis.

As rumors started coming out that Tiger Woods would be cited for reckless driving for his recent controversial car crash, something struck me - What in the Hell is this country coming to?

MINNESOTA - Putting away laundry was the last place a Minnesota woman thought she’d have a spiritual moment. But there it was: an image she saw as a manifestation of Michele Bachman on the bottom of her iron.

AMERICA - Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a White House Party yesterday, stopping long enough to get his picture taken with President Barack Obama before getting cracked in the mouth with a three-wood by his wife Elin.

PORTLAND, Maine - A new report from the Wolfrum Alpha Resource Center states that every man, woman and child will be tasered at least once by the year 2015. Most of the taserings will be quite comical.

“Soon, we’ll reach a point where everyone will have their own taser gun,” said Portland Sheriff Calvin Jarmen. “Then, just sit back and laugh.”

Pardon me and these turkey headlines …

… Barack Obama to refuse Pardoning Thanksgiving Turkey, will instead send it to NYC for trial.

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… Barack Obama to wait to pardon Thanksgiving turkey until it reveals its real birth certificate.

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… Barack Obama to pardon Thanksgiving Turkey, but only after mandating it to buy insurance from CIGNA first.

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WASHINGTON - Nearly 50 Senators suffered embarrassing internal injuries this afternoon, after Republican Senators - joined by moderate Democratic Senators - obstructed the Senate’s new bathroom rules.

KANSAS - A stunning new poll from the Taibbi Research Center shows that the vast majority of Americans are now tired of President Barack Obama’s mottos of “Change We Can Believe In,” and other Change-based catch phrases. Nearly 80 percent of those surveyed said that the “Change” motto had grown tired and they needed something new.

Rumors have been circulating that “Meet the Press” host David Gregory suffers from the rare and stupid condition: CharlesKrauthammerBeingCondescendingTowardMeaphobia.

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INTERNET - In a rare follow-up to one of his own blog posts, noted Blogger William K. Wolfrum attacked those that have criticized him for leaning too heavily on Sarah Palin for humor.