William K. Wolfrum's picture

    I denounce “Liberal” Martin Eisenstadt and his new book!

    Throughout my long and inglorious writing career, I have always held true to the concept that money, fame, and recognition was always secondary. Good work has always been its own reward. These words I have lived by. But no more.

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    Oklahoma law to hold men accountable for sperm "holocaust"

    OKLAHOMA CITY - A new law set to come into effect on Nov. 1, will require all men in Oklahoma to reveal personal details regarding every sperm that they murder.

    “Every year in Oklahoma, a googolplex of sperm die lonely deaths inside socks, in showers and other places,” said Oklahoma spokeswoman Sally Kern. “This holocaust of the unborn must end.”

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    Barack Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize - Conservatives explode like Agent Smith at the end of Matrix

    UNITED STATES - In a stunning announcement today, U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his diplomatic efforts. Immediately following the announcements, Conservatives throughout the United States lost cohesion and exploded, much like the Agent Smith character did at the end of the Matrix.

    “I was sitting next to Jonah Goldberg and Bill Kristol having breakfast,” said an unnamed source. “We heard the news and I looked over to them and all I saw were pixels floating into space.”

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    To save America, Levi Johnston must reveal his wang

    My friends, never before in my lifetime have I witnessed an America so divided. Republicans fighting Democrats. Libertarians fighting environmentalists. Whigs not fighting anyone but just happy to be mentioned.

    This is why President Barack Obama comes under such criticism. He was elected under the false hope that he’d invite the economy over for a beer and have it leave a bull market behind. But Obama does not have all the answers, nor the ability to turn thing around. In fact, no man has the ability to turn this great nation around. Except one. Levi Johnston.

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    I’m heterosexual - and, wow, do I have a lot of rights

    My friends, I have long withheld this information, as I’ve long believed that my sexuality is no one’s business but my own. However, after seeing recent studies and news reports, I believe that now is the perfect time to come forward and admit what so many have long believed:

    I am heterosexual. And let me tell you something, it’s freakin’ fantastic.

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    Video proof that Matt Taibbi is a naked short selling dupe

    Continuing with my theme of bad journalism, I have a video that was given to me last week that will allow people to see how Rolling Stone reporter Matt Taibbi is a naked short selling dupe.

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    Blogger to rewrite Holy Bible because it serves him poorly: "It's a masturbatory issue"

    OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.

    “From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”

    Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Alan Grayson must apologize now! Democrats must always stay above the fray

    Every morning I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and ask myself this question: Am I a good guy? Now, it’s a purely hypothetical question, as there is no doubt that I’m a good guy who has high standards of politeness and decorum.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Naked Short Spellers are destroying the quality, profitability of my blog

    William K. Wolfrum made this statement to supporters at 3 p.m.

    “My friends, as many of you may have noticed, there has been a huge drop off in the quality of my blog posts over the past few months. Due to this, there has also been a drop in profitability for this blog, as well.

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    Conservatives risk being jailed, tortured

    There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the “Conservative Problem.” Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.

    America isn’t the Third World. If a military coup does occur here it will be civilized. That it has never happened doesn’t mean it wont. Describing what may be afoot is not to advocate it. So, view the following through military eyes:

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Sarah Palin & Jack Donaghy in 2012 - The perfect pretend Conservatives for a pretend GOP

    For political groupies, these days a big story involves looking to the 2010 midterm elections. Already, many have predicted that Republicans will gain seats in the U.S. Senate. While this may or may not end up happening, the storyline has led to what many could have expected - Republicans are pretending they had anything to do with it.

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    New Scientific Study proves you've been right all along

    WASHINGTON - A new study from the prestigious Wolfrum Alpha Research Squad has confirmed what most people already believe - that they are absolutely correct on all issues and would be foolish to listen to opposing viewpoints.

    "After years of intense research, we believe our conclusions are faultless," said lead researcher William "Buzz" Wolfrum. "Just like everyone's opinions."

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    Overstock.com gets a subpoena from SEC, local papers miss the story

    Utah-based Internet wholesaler Overstock.com recently received a subpoena from the SEC. The SEC will be investigating “previously-announced restatements of its financial statements in 2006 and 2008 and other matters.” It is the second such investigation into Overstock.com’s finances in the last two years.

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    Corporate Person CIGNA named Obama's new Health Care Reform Czar


    WASHINGTON - The Health Insurance Corporate Person CIGNA has accepted the position of "Health Care Reform Czar," White House officials have confirmed. The Corporate Person will take over the job as the Obama Administration gets ready for its final push on health care reform.

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    Jesus Christ cancels Healing Insurance for the poor after dismal 3rd-quarter projections

    JERUSALEM — Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ’s talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

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    Red Dawn & Patrick Swayze: We shall never forget

    Less than a quarter-century ago, Americans of all persuasions would nervously gaze to the sky wondering if the end of the world was about to rain down on them. Nuclear holocaust always seemed moments away.

    Of course, the Cold War ended and 9/11 happened, meaning Americans now were forced to gaze everywhere to try to catch a terrorist bent on destroying them.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    A 9/12 Miracle: 34 million show up for BBQ at my house

    MY HOUSE - In what many are claiming is a new record for human beings congregating in one place for barbecue, 34 million people showed up Saturday at the home of William K. Wolfrum for a pleasant evening of food and conversation.

    "There were so many people you just couldn't count," said Wolfrum.

    The estimated count of 34 million comes from aTweet Wolfrum made moments before writing this blog post.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Forget Joe Wilson and Mark Sanford, says South Carolina Tourism chief, remember great golf, high crime rates

    SOUTH CAROLINA - Desperately trying to distance itself from the outlandish behavior of its Republican politicians, the State Tourism Board has announced an aggressive new campaign to encourage tourism.

    “It was time to take the focus off the Republicans and on the state,” said Tourism Board Chairman Tim Tapper. “And we’re willing to go to any lengths to do that.”

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Disagreeing with Obama does not make me racist”

    William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

    “My friends, over the years you have been by my side through many dramatic events. You have had my back during the good times and bad, and I appreciate that, but now I need you more than ever.


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