dagblog - Comments for "Keel-hauled Redemption"

Damn. I can't seem to make

kgb999 — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:40:57 +0000

Damn. I can't seem to make these things end up where I want 'em today. Obviously ... this goes up there.

You only missed it because I

kgb999 — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:39:14 +0000

You only missed it because I didn't post it until today :-). I'm impressed you noticed so quickly (or at all - I'm terrible at that sort of thing on my threads).

Glad you enjoyed. Yeah it's a completed song (among my first, actually). Don't think I ever officially recorded it, though. Hell, I've only performed it a handful of times. It's been quite some time since I did my own stuff (and my personal music web site bit the big one a while back). To the extent I've been performing for the last several years it's been sideman bass stuff ... a singer I back up occasionally posted a a few videos including me (some audio seems out of sync).

Zip's comment is interesting and I do see some relationship between the thoughts. Kind of wish it was someone else - we don't get along too well. So before I comment, let me say there is no "right" ... take my thoughts for what they are, just thoughts from my point of view. I think all of the mechanical advice everyone has given is really first rate, and the people who have given it are likely more expert on such things than myself.

Right off the bat, two things jump out at me from his comment where I might have a useful observation. First in re the "knock your socks off". I think this speaks to the importance of presentation as it does to the quality of a poem itself. It isn't really possible to get a completely genuine reaction when art is presented with a note: "please go through and tell me why this is weak." It changes the "ear" with which the listener hears. I know you did this looking for pointers, and it started a great conversation, but an upshot is it turned your audience into critics right off the bat. I guess what I'm saying is that a part of knocking people's socks off is allowing those so inclined to let go of everything else and get their socks knocked off. Most people *want* to enjoy and will instinctively home in on the parts they love, not technical weakness. A part of art is creating an environment where this instinct is enhanced (in music, traditionally this involves a big 'ole vat of electric Kool-aide!!!! ;-).

Stylistically, he comes at it from a very different place than I do. For instance, in my world there are indeed different volumes at which one can shout; it is product of the type of vibration one creates with their vocal cords as much as it is volume. Think about this statement:

The reason I am not good at it is because in my own poetry and prose I try my best to strip away sentiment, cliche and overeager modifiers.

IMO this is an exceedingly rigid point of view. This is a strong belief, maybe even a pet peeve, about certain linguistic devices. As such, the art conforms to the limitations this imposes. To me it's like saying "Burt Sienna is superfluous." This is neither good nor bad, it just *is*. Plenty of artists have created amazing work using only shades of blue. But every rule is a matter of personal choice and it comes at the price of limiting creative options.

I like your poem structurally (as I said previously). Contrasting them, in your poem each verse has it's own internal rhyme with each line conforming. Mine flirted with rhyme a bit more playfully - not settling into a set pattern until the last double-length verse in which every second phrase (2 lines/phrase with this formatting) is a matched rhyme echo .... I think maybe this works because of the "go away/joy today" hook that provides closure and continuity between the verses (or maybe it doesn't work at all, sort of subjective). I think zip gives really good advice in general about playing with structure to allow your thoughts to "breathe". I view creating more as a palate and empty canvas than a paint-by-numbers that has a "correct" completed form. I am always of the opinion it is better to hone one's skills though making more and more art, so I don't like the advice of "structured meaningless verbiage." IMO, you could put that same effort into making a new poem and the world would be a happier place. Then roll the experience into the next one.

More than anything, just have fun with it - it's about connecting, not impressing. And thanks for the conversation to spew over something enjoyable to think about.

kgb999 -- I missed your

wwstaebler — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 01:35:56 +0000

In reply to Keel-hauled Redemption

kgb999 -- I missed your lyrics until today, so please accept my apology. I love these lyrics; do you have the score? Have you recorded it? I see a connection between what you and Zipperus wrote, in form, and maybe content. Do you see that?
Thank you, so much, for your contribution. And example.

I did not see this until

wwstaebler — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 01:30:05 +0000

In reply to Keel-hauled Redemption

I did not see this until today, Mh2o -- and I thank you. You are an empathetic, kind pig, in every circumstance. With dignity, as pigs are, by nature.

Ha. What, this was a week

kgb999 — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 01:17:11 +0000

In reply to Keel-hauled Redemption

Ha. What, this was a week ago? Weird how online communication is always "right now" and then moves on ... but it doesn't have to. Anyhow. Here's one that seems to match my mood at the moment. Don't think it's ever been written down before. Not sure how it comes across as a written thing... so imagine it more as mellowish rock.

[Hitherto and yet untitled]

In years gone by
So long ago
My mother said
Don't you worry boy
She said there's a man
Who lives upstairs
His only thought is
For bringing you joy

Now those days
Are long since gone
I need your love
to help me carry on
The man upstairs
Said go away
There will be no joy today

And a sign on the wall says no help at all
All the people turn away
Though the tears they cry seem no different from mine
Still we go our different ways

Now I've seen
I understand
My feet grow tired
But still I move the land
Work and give
Your tust away
And then find ourselves
Where we are today
I need your love
To see me though
There is nothing else
That I can do
The man upstairs
Said go away
There will be no joy today

The man upstairs
said go away
I can spare
No joy today.

I suppose that's not a particularly cheerful selection ... hopefully it brings a bit of cheer anyhow. :-)