Seven Days in May

NARRATOR:

Democracy can be a fragile thing.

What separates us from the Floridians and Arizonians is the difference between 15 hour voting queues and 15 minute voting queues; the difference between bookmarks and other notices informing the electorate that we Americans vote on Wednesday and notices that inform prospective voters that Americans vote on the First Tuesday following the First Monday in November; and the difference between employing staffs that cannot count and employing staffs that can actually tally ballots within a reasonable period of time.

But this has little to do with the matter at hand.

Above this 'fray' we behold the real power in this country.

The powers that controls our intelligence networks (both domestic and foreign), the powers that control our nuclear arsenals and the powers that real emails that were never intended for their viewing.

(We find ourselves in the corridor leading to the Oval Office with guards and flags and really nice tiled floors—to say nothing of the neat pix hanging on the walls. Colonel Kirk Douglas enters this corridor with two sergeants following him; pushing two wheel barrels of packaged mail.)

Sir, announces the Captain of the Guard, to whom might I address my inquiries?

Colonel Kirk: I am Colonel Kirk of the 5^th Infantry arriving by the request of the President of the United States of America. Here are my papers.

The Captain of the Guard approaches the first wheel barrel and...

Colonel Kirk: Not those papers you idiot. He then stretches out his hand with his military papers to the Captain.

Captain of the Guard: Oh, I see. He then examines the military papers offered him by the Colonel.

You are hereby granted admittance!

(The doors to the Oval Office are opened and President March is standing behind his desk in awe of the wheel barrels)

President March: Colonel Kirk, I presume?

Colonel Kirk: Yes sir! (standing at attention)

President March: What is all this then? (Assuming he was quoting Winston Churchill)

Colonel Kirk: Well sir the wheel barrels were borrowed from the manure manufacturing at the Pentagon.

President March: Not the wheel barrels you arsehole...I am speaking of the material contained in the wheel barrels.

Colonel Kirk: Well sir that is what I really mean. These carriers contain all the bullshite taken from ten private computers owned by General Petraeus and General Allen and Mrs.Broadwell and Mrs. Kelley. .

President March: Well how much bull shite is actually present for review?

Colonel Kirk: Well sir there are approximately one hundred thousand emails involving these people. Oh, (Kirk takes fifteen DVD's out of his pocket and hands them to the President)

President March (after taking the DVD's from the Colonel): Are these Microsoft compatible Colonel?

Colonel Kirk: Well sir, two of the computers were Mac's but the other two were Toshiba. My intelligence sources tell me that these DVD's work in any computer; except for the units used by the CIA of course!

President March: Get me my Administrative Assistant Thomas (directing his comment to his older white haired Chief of Staff Davis)

(Shortly a 79 year old woman in a mechanized wheel chair enters the Oval Office)

President March: Shirley, call in our computer team and send them to the Oval Office Computer Center and....call in Nate Silver to set up the algorithms.

Colonel Kirk: I was going to suggest that a team of nerds might be our best avenue of getting to the bottom of things.

President March (Rubbing his scalp with his hands and presenting a deeply disturbed man—well not disturbed like a newbie at a treatment center—I mean disturbed in the manner of a Chief Executive concerned about his country. Well—okay then I guess you would have to say that he did look as disturbed as a newbie at a treatment center...) What are your findings so far Colonel Kirk?

Colonel Kirk: Well initially we thought this was just a cat fight between two broads who wanted a 'piece of' General Lancaster.

President March: Come Colonel, you are not here to discuss cat fights between the likes of Ava Gardner and Peggy Noonan. For chrissakes! SPIT IT OUT AND BE DIRECT!

Colonel Kirk: Well sir, I have come to the conclusion that the two bimbos have conspired to initiate the violent overthrow of the United States of America!

President March begins to actually pull out his hair: This is quite an accusation! Do you realize that you are putting your entire career and pension on the line here?

Colonel Kirk: Pension, I aint given up no pension. I mean I have plans and...

President March: I SAID SPIT IT OUT KIRK. I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. I MEAN DO YOU REALIZE THAT TEXAS WISHES TO SECEDE FROM THE REPUBLIC? I ONLY HAVE SO MUCH TIME HERE!

Colonel Kirk: Okay sir, here goes

General Petraeus was approached by one Paula Broadwell following his retirement from the Military.

(And now for our commercial break:

800-538-2300 EMPIRE)

Mrs. Broadwell began as a Biographer, penning the great classic: ALL IN! Of course no one read her previous gruel but she was tired of being a soccer mom and turned her partner into a house husband whilst she sought fame and fortune.

As the two traveled the globe together they would jog together and converse with each other and eventually shower with each other—all rather innocent scenes especially when one considers the shower facilities in Iraq and Afghanistan!.

Following this dalliance and following the publication of All In that portrayed Petraeus as the greatest thing since Grant, Broadwell became insane with power!

She had thought that there was too strong a relationship between the General and a certain Jill Kelly, another married woman. It seems that Jill Kelley and her husband, Mr. Kelley were good friends with the General and his wife.

Well hundreds of these emails indicate that Broadwell (quite a name huh?) anonymously wrote emails threatening Mrs. Kelley.

The plot thickens.

It appears from the emails associated with Mrs. Kelley that she had this weird relationship with a certain FBI agent.

And this exchange of emails indicated some sort of dalliance outside of Mrs. Kelley's marriage.

This FBI agent was asked to look into the anonymous emails that had threatened Mrs. Kelley.

After a short while, the FBI agent traced these emails to Mrs. Broadwell.

The agent notified his superiors following his epiphany that there was a connection between Mrs. Broadwell and General Petraeus.

The FBI put more agents on the investigation and shortly discovered that the original agent had some sort of virtual (if not more) relationship with Mrs. Kelley. And it was also discovered that this agent had some sorry vexation against the current President of the United States and had decided to somehow link this relationship with to Benghazi.

(Thomas interjects and with aplomb and his wonderful hair dismisses this narrative. The President immediately says: SHUT THE FUCK UP THOMAS.)

In the meantime the original agent on the case notifies Representative Cantor (the old vaudevillian) that there is a great cover-up in libya.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, er the Pentagon, it turns out that General Allen had tens of thousands of Emails with Mrs. Kelley over the years.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/rss/ci_21986362?source=rss

And I can tell you this Mr. President, I blog regularly but it would take a couple decades for me to come up with 20,000 pages of email....but I digress.

All the while this is taking place, the Commander of US forces (Skipper) in Africa is having parties and galas with his wife.

OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY, Mr. President.

Anyway, it is obvious that both these women detested each other and really felt shunned when they were denied roles on Jersey Shores.

Well Mrs. Broadwell and Mrs. Kelly saw that they had no future unless they gathered their forces together and took down the male oligarchy.

So the two pooled their resources (since alimony looked kind of bad as far as future opportunites at the time) and came up with a plan.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Yet to be disclosed in Chapter Two:

A new coalition with the Skipper Strippers.

Confidential emails between the Jersey Shores and Darryl Issa.

Eddie Cantor's denial of vaudevillian origins.

Biden's dalliances on the super train.

President March's exclamation:

THANK GOD I AM NOT BLACK!

Diane Feinstein's remark:

WHAT THE HELL?

Glenn Beck's remark:

THANK GOD WE WERE NOT THE FIRST NATION TO USE THE ATOMIC BOMB!

Michele Bachmann's remark:

THANK GOD THAT WE CAN THANK GOD AND THOSE MISERABLE PEOPLES IN LIBYA CANNOT THANK GOD!

Newt's remark:

WHERE AM I?

McCain's remark:

WHO AM I AND WHERE IS MY WIFE? SO MANY HOMES AND YET....

Barack Obama's remark:

FREDERIC MARCH IS NOT THE PRESIDENT FOR CHRISSAKES!

General Petraeus's remark:

HOW DO YOU EXACTLY SPELL PETRAEUS?

General Allen:

TWENTY THOUSAND PAGES OF EMAIL AINT THAT HARD AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A STAFF OF ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND EMAILERS!

General Skipper:

SURE WE HAD PARTIES? BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO MY PENSION?

Colonel Kirk:

I'M DEAD, ASK MY SON!

Burt Lancaster:

I STARTED AS A CIRCUS PERFORMER!

Jersey Shores:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Newt Gingrich:

WHY AM I HERE AND WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

NYT:

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WSJ:

THE PRESIDENT IS BLACK; WHAT THE HELL DOES FREDERIC MARCH HAVE TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS?

Bob Dylan:

HOW MANY ROADS....

The end.