I know all you sooks probably gonna write about what you loved here and who you'll miss most and what's it's like here where everybody knows your name... But I know what you're really thinking is, "Jesus, I may not get another chance to diss...I know all you sooks probably gonna write about what you loved here and who you'll miss most and what's it's like here where everybody knows your name...
But I know what you're really thinking is, "Jesus, I may not get another chance to diss that loser."
Which is why I wrote this list. To see if we can all find some common ground - and not just on the shallow stuff like "the issues," but on something we all care about, like "Who sucks the hardest?"
Originally I had a list of 100, but I want to keep some of you pricks who are on it secret, so I can laugh at you with my friends (with whom I have formed what the experts call a "clique.")
Herewith, a selection of TPM's Top 100 Total Pricks. Now let's see if we can work together on this, ok?
#74. That fargin' chicken. The one with the weird name "Barkfart" or somesuch. I know some of you liked her, but I didn't get Egg Fackin' One from her. Not Egg Fackin' One.
And I like eggs. I mean, I really like eggs. So the bird gives me this nice pitchfork and all, but months later.... still no eggs. Seems to me, at this point, you're not even trying to squeeze one out, bird. So. You made my list.
Which makes me the winner winner, chicken dinner.
73. If all youse guys would quit jabbing me and shouting "Clearthinker, Clearthinker," maybe I could slot him in proper. But no way he ranks as low as Prick #73. Unless you were gonna pick him in as Prick #1 right through #73, which would make more sense. Am I right?
I mean, the guy's probably proud of the fact that he's getting mentioned for being such a complete prick. Anyway. Gimme some space, cause there are other bastards here who deserve some airtime.
#72. Like Destor23. Prick, because of the way he flaunts his nipples.
I mean, so WHAT if he's got nipples you just want to rub? Against.
And bite. Quite hard.
And so what if Josh comes in here and sees we're biting nipples again, even really quite hard, because maybe I'm being "political" in the way I do it. 'Cause who SAYS that's not political?
Anyway, I'm ok with the nipples, but not the way Destor just throws them about. It's flaunty. Like he WANTS to be noticed. And bitten. (Hard.) And no, I don't mean any of this in a sexual sense - it's just the politics of it all is intense.
71. Des. I got this niece, on my ass all Summer about the way I talk, and gays, and women not being chicks anymore, and how when I say that Rahm said we're all retards it's hurtful and all. "You can't say that kinda thing anymore Uncle Q," says she, "We got the Facebook now." "What the fack," says I, "I dated LOTS of girls that turned lesbo afterward, and now I can't say 'gay' or even be a little bit bitter?"
Then I had to have this long debate with her about sensitivity, and how hard it was to live with hurtful labels, and me trying to tell her how the world works, and how ignorant people like me will take any nice neutral word that kind people like her can think up, and we'll turn it into a weapon, like we did with "special," which didn't last more than about ten days before it was a fightin' word.
Anyway. By that point I'm stuck with the niece and more crying and overall high levels of sensitivity. Just like Des. But Jesus Des, we get it already - you're sensitive to chicks and chick issues. Just take it somewhere else, willya?
