I am concerned that I may soon be arrested, for I am a shameless Valor-thief. In my defense, I did not realize that it was a crime. I thought Valor was an ethereal substance like Truth, Beauty, and Mitt Romney's political agenda. But our government feels differently. In 2006, Congress passed the Stolen Valor Act and made me a federal criminal.

Accord the act, I may be imprisoned for up to six months for falsely claiming to have been awarded "any decoration or medal authorized by Congress for the armed forces of the United States, or any of the service medals or badges awarded to the members of such forces, or the ribbon, button, or rosette of any such badge, decoration or medal, or any colorable imitation thereof."

One of my partners in crime has already been arrested. Xavier Alvarez was an important man in his community, a member of the board of directors of Three Valleys Municipal Water District in California. At a public meeting, he told people that he had received the Congressional Medal of Honor as a Marine. It was all lies. He is a Valor-thief.

But Alvarez is a petty criminal compared to me. I am the kingpin of a notorious Valor-theft ring based in midtown Manhattan. Over the past six years, I have claimed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of military honors that I have never received, and I fear that I may have to spend the rest of my life serving consecutive six-month sentences for Valor theft.

I did it for love, for money, and for the sheer joy of pretending to be an official ribbon-strewn American killer.

It all started in January 2007, when I told my nephew that I had received an Aerial Achievement Medal for hanging one-handing from the landing gear of a Predator drone and hurling grenades onto Al Qaeda terrorists and other Iraqi juvenile delinquents.

Then in February, I told my boss that I had been awarded Air Force Organizational Excellence Award for keeping an exceptionally clean desk.

In April, I told a date that I had been awarded the Homeland Security Distinguished Service Medal for disarming an Arab terrorist who had planned to push his sizzling food cart into a crowd of innocent American tourists.

The next day, I left her a voicemail explaining that I had also been awarded 36 Purple Hearts after surviving 182 bullets, three mine explosions, and a swarm of deadly leeches in Vietnam. When she didn't return my call, I left a few more messages about how I had received a Navy Cross, a Silver Star, a Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary Medal, and a Coast Guard Meritorious Team Commendation (for saving an endangered green sea turtle from a giant octopus).

At a subsequent court hearing about a restraining order, I strongly hinted, without perjuring myself, that I had received the Prisoner of War Medal after being imprisoned for 18 years in a New Guinean jungle.

On my ride home in the subway, I told fellow passengers that I had been awarded an Air Force Gallant Unit Citation, a Marine Corps Drill Instructor Ribbon, and a Navy Expert Rifleman Medal. After a scuffle with one passenger--an alleged Army vet--I told the paramedics that I was the youngest recipient ever of the Air Force Longevity Service Award.

When I returned to work, my boss called me into his office. One of my co-workers had visited my Facebook page, which listed a Coast Guard Recruiting Service Ribbon, a Combat Readiness Medal, and the Secretary of Transportation Outstanding Unit Award. My boss began asking questions about that Air Force Organizational Excellence Award I'd told him about in February. After a brief altercation, I decided to pursue the Valor-theft business full-time.

There is a lot of money in Purple Hearts, especially on 42nd Street and outside the Ground Zero Memorial. But Purple Hearts get boring so I like to vary it up. The Army of Cuban Pacification Medal is a crowd-pleaser, and the Antarctica Service Medal usually provokes interest. Sometimes, I cross-dress and claim a Women's Army Corps Service Medal. The only one I've never gotten away with is the Civil War Campaign Medal, but I'll keep trying until they arrest me.

Speaking of which, the Supreme Court has been deliberating over poor Xavier Alvarez's case. His lawyers say that the Stolen Valor Act violates the First Amendment. I hope that those high justices read my little confession. It might help them remember what the First Amendment is all about.