[Sorry about formatting, but really, I can't be bothered... All is one, all is everything]

[And originally there was some link between space aliens and Republican politics more than the usual and obvious, but seems to have disappeared from my arghives, only a few crop circles left. Maybe the Mayans hold the secret afterall - 2012 resolution...]

New Year's Convergence

I seem to finally have wandered into a realm where I can feel comfortable -
the Innertubes have converged (which is about time, since the Mayan calendar
is scheduled to wipe us all out next year, as foretold by Douglas Adams in a
misleading way - but plenty of time to drink numerous pints of stout or bitter
before hopping on that passing ship).

Oh yeah, the point was where a combination of rejection, righteous and absurd
protest about Manhattan mosques/community centers jumps wake/shark into
the fetid cultural bubble of Teen Beat rags and bumps right up against my daughter's
(short-term during summer camp) new heartthrob.  Politics, bubblegum music, family,
irascible bitter irony and derision - I am complete - united, focused, in top form
for the new year.

That's right, the Villagers and Tea Partier have engaged and seemingly lost to
Justin Bieber in typical well-documented inability to decipher irony in the liberal
blogosphere (hold the end-zone party, liberal punters - being powerless and unable
to recognize or defuse intentional topic-changing conservative outrage as a successful
political strategy). 

Ground Zero Mosque Frenzy Reaches Inevitable, Idiotic Nadir

Posted Thursday, December 30, 2010 1:31 PM | By David Weigel

As much as I hate writing about Facebook posts with fewer members than people who will read the articles about them, this is fairly insane. Justin Elliott notices that Andy Sullivan, the construction worker behind a pledge not to do any work on the mosque, has been boycotting Justin Bieber because he heard that Bieber gave an interview to Tiger Beat in support of the Park51 center. Actually, the interview was made up by a satire site.

The magazine does cover Bieber obsessively ("Justin Bieber Dodges Dating Selena Gomez Question!" and "Did Justin Bieber Grow a Mustache?" are two recent features). But I couldn't find any sign of an interview on Park51. There is, however, a post on the website celebjihad.com purporting to describe a Tiger Beat interview.

There's some point to be made here about the gullibility and outrage addiction that kicked off the "GZM" furor in the first place, but it's probably too obvious.

This post makes me feel anxiously queasy, surmising what Sacha Cohen might and
could be doing right now - frankly the last time we set out to elect a minority based
on guilt and hold-me-tight-I'm-going-for-seventy-eleven eyes-closed optimism,
we ended up with something less than harmonic convergence. But this time
I'm convinced it's ripe - we're going to space, we're going to elect an alien.
Okay, in the Sting-in-Manhattan sense especially, but with World Wide Wrestling
meets Lip Lock or Dolce & Gabbana do bootcamp, there's more than enough evidence
that Cohen is an honorary citizen of the universe, complete with towel. (Yes, he
wears it on his head - fill in your top 50 easy Muslim jokes here _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ....... )

Done? Good, now drown them in a burlap sack tossed in a pond like you do a litter of
unwanted kittens - 2011 is the year of DIY confessionals, and God knows bloggers
of all ilks need to go rough trade on their most imperious pretensions - this year
"pithy comments" are so outre vogue. Disengage if you can. Sorry for all kitten lovers, by the way, but sometimes to make an omelette you have to..... .

Back to topic - so we have the perfect Jewish-fake Arab-wannabe black gangsta rapper-honorary
Turkic ambassador to the US, seemingly as home in the South as in the East Coast salons,
and uncanny ability to talk arms with redneck hunters, Palestinian terrorists and nudist
swingers parties, we've got the greatest 2nd Amendment advocate ever since Dick Cheney
going off half-cocked. (I love that last phrase - think of our lovable former VP giving a full
facial to a lawyer rather than lots of little pebbles to painfully dig out - that video would
have gone viral, even if a bit NSFW).

So it seems a small step to making Sacha president, in a way that can bring us all together
(with a little bit of Justin Bieber to handle the youth vote). I know it would take a new
Amendment, but Cohen's already proven adept with the swastika-wielding lederhosen
short-shorts types that almost got a Constitutional bypass for Arnie (back before Arnie
blew with conservatives for his open borders / acceptance of gays / being from California thing).

Yeah, I know, supposedly Cohen has a thing about gays too (playing Freddie Mercury in
a major film might give that impression) but he's really just a libertarian at heart,
which is why he needed to talk to Ron Paul (should have talked to Rand instead, being an election year - he would have crawled across the floor in thong and dog collar just for the TV coverage).

Word, it's the straight-up deal: Sacha Cohen is where self-actualization meets personal freedom
and family values and an end to government interference with our affairs (unless we need to
pump up someone rich and well-connected with unearned petrol dollars, in which case Cohen
has some a pretty useful Rolodex as well, and is down with inflatable cupie dolls to boot).

So while Republicans can pretty seriously claim to hold the record for frivolous or absurd Constitutional suggestions (the flag as undesecratable icon? a new  28th Amendment right up there with "the inviolability of all Joanie Loves Chachi episodes" - have been wanting to slide in that reference for months). Instead we can field a new amendment for "right of some particular foreign nut we've become infatuated with to be president while we spend most of our time bitching about the harm foreigners do to our sacred Homeland and inability to clean up our own house despite being the richest and luckiest country in the world".

Being 2011, I've shortened this to RSPFNWBI2BPWWSMooTBAHFDOSH²I2CUOOHDBRLCITW amendment.Much catchier.

It'll let Sacha become President, and like the profound 2000 Supreme Court decision, it'll promptly shut the door on any other uppity wog/Brit/extra-terrestrial that might try pulling the same stunt - "no precedents here, just us chickens...". Of course we have to move quick - I just discovered that the 27th Amendment, one I'd never heard of frankly, took over 200 years to pass, and all that one said was "Congress will have to wait about a year to cash checks if it chooses to vote itself outrageous and undeserved pay raises". Obviously this Amendment was written back in the years when Congresspeople made most of their money on salary, rather than under-the-table kickbacks and legally sanctioned re-funneling of campaign funds into private bank accounts.

Bring on Justin Bieber. With Bieber, we have the consummation of "the utilitarian VP", like the
utility infielder - not just doing all the dirty tricks á la Dick Cheney and Spiro Agnew, nor the annoying counter-productive PR work like Dan Quayle and Joe Biden, or even "co-president" like Al Gore and  (almost) Hillary Clinton and Gerald Ford. But back to original intent - TO MAKE THE PRESIDENT LOOK GOOD.

We anoint the position of VP (with its own extra-constitutional powers as brilliantly suggested
by Dick Cheney) as a permanent PR position to promote the President for his/her next election. And like all PR agencies, their shelf life can vary. Thus, if Bieber falls in the charts, spits out anti-semitic ravings at a roadside DUI check, dates a girl who turns out to be overweight....  well, queue up the next boy band waiting in the wings. (Judging from the ridiculous over-attention to the mythical "engaged voting youth", as rare as "compassionate conservatives", we can tie this to promote a new cabinet position for the "Department of Rock The Vote", replacing the largely irrelevant "Department of the Interior", now known in some circles as "Bargain Basement for Public Lands, Offshore Drilling and Energy-Company Promotion".)

The advantage here is we don't have to tip-toe around the obvious - is Joe Lieberman an embarrassment to the White House (and the country)? Is Dick Cheney really undermining the Constitution or simply sabotaging the future of the United States as a whole? Has Sarah Palin had her brain wiped/implanted by Aliens with one of those Men In Black flashy things?  These rhetorical questions can be replaced with objective qualifiers - you're only as good as your last tour/album/music video. Better than messy elections, Billboard ratings give a more immediate public response to sea change - in an age when inside traders can render your life savings
worthless in about 2 microseconds of aggregated short-selling, the Internet makes "faster than a New York minute" seem rather quaint and archaic, like Boston shipping yards, Elvis fan clubs and slow boat to China.

The VP position was originally created to make the President look good (and because saying someone's #2 always invokes the, "but what am I, chopped liver?" response, the Constitution wisely created a position for chopped liver to let the rest of us know where we stand). Since the Tea Partiers are demanding we get back to our roots and invoke the Constitution not just inaccurately at every footfall, but actually read from it, well, we're about to get a whole lot of sausage in our law-making, and since sausage doesn't quite fit our low-fat, low-carb modern diet (yeah, I'm gonna hit the gym, spin for an hour, work my abs, and then douse
myself with bisquits and gravy to set the productive mood for the day?) we need something more lean, more responsive, more expressive of America's penchant for fleeting fashion.

If we were French, the president could just change his wife (or engage a 2nd family pseudo-discreetly as the charming Monsieur Mitterrand once did - for a few decades). But we're obviously way too Protestant for that, despite the ballyhooed 4700% increase in Muslims and Hispanic Catholics over the last 7 months. So instead, we can have the Church of the Subgenius' "Instant Personal Savior" in the form of a new revolving VP seat.

Of course Justin Bieber doesn't come solo - he has a whole entourage of groupies, co-rappers, hangers-on and oft-admired A&R types. Dovetailing Obama's attempt to push Axelrod out of his polling & advertising  comfort zone into actual government, the new revolving polling-based VP/PR position can handle all the toxic trial balloons. Judging from the number of people thrown under the bus over the last 3 years, it's better to accept reality and design a new position from ground up, i.e. "under the bus" from the get-go.

So there you have it, the 2011 über-team, gunning for the 2012 elections. Yes, Obama will not only be primaried, he'll be Brüno'd, Ali G'd, Borated. And unlike Biden, Justin Bieber never does anything off-script.

And that's how I'll spend my 2011, dreaming of aliens, legal impossibilities, my daughter's favorite boyband du jour, the impending destruction of the universe, and how to pad my foreign bank account / gold ingot burial site so I have some respite when the whole shitpile (™Atrios) comes crashing down. Again.

On Comet, On Cupid, On Brüno, On Bieber, Out Obama, Out Boehner, Out McConnell, Out Lieber(man).

And like many Republican politicians, I'll be resigned to spending more time with my family. (rim shot. cowbell). And to bolster my ego and Web hits, I encourage any false moral equivalence that equates my liberal audience of 17 (Mom stopped reading last month - hope you're well, ma, guess greeting at WalMart takes its toll...) with Fox News anchors with viewers of 5 million+. It's true, like Assange, I threaten the safety and values of the entire Western Hemisphere (I've got too much invested to threaten the Eastern one. Yet.) So let this New Year's missive go viral. Both Sacha Cohen and I need the work.