Your mother's gift has definitely been carried on.

Wow - your first endeavor is wonderful - hope to see more of your poetry here -

C-- thank you, for saying what I tried to say, not so well.

Not you, Bwak. In you I see someone who stares fear in the eye and says "Fie."

=D

Thank you. Times, they are scary.

I liked that one, too. But, I need to learn something here -- what line is, or lines are really bad? I'm new at this, can take criticism and would welcome that kind of comment, too.

Beautiful, Wendy.

I offer the only suggestion that I know for poetry, and it never applies to all: make it sing when read.

If you will excuse the presumption -

A fog-bound sloop, trapped in dense soup, then deep aground;

Broached mast abeam, she foundered fast, and then was down'd;

None but the gulls could hear her hull's now muffled sound

As sharp-toothed shoals tore gruesome holes where she lay, bound

A fog-bound sloop, trapped in soup, then deep aground;

Broached mast abeam, foundered fast, and then t'was downed;

None but gulls could hear her hull's now muffled sound

As sharp-toothed shoals tore gruesome holes where she lay bound.

Well, as a writer of atrocious poetry I am unqualified to give advice.

But, I'm not gonna let a little ole thing like that stop me. ;o)

Rhythm. It's imPOEdant. You are writing of romantic things so let the rhythm of the words be romantic. If a word or phrase doesn't fit in the rhythm, take it out. It's sad having to do that after you worked so hard to add it, but that particular word or phrase will live again in another poem.

This is my favorite grouping and I would like to use it as a demonstration of what I mean by rhythm, with apologies for messing with your stuff:

A sailor's heart was torn apart, by her condition;

He vowed to plate, and seal and paint her from perdition.

He would not rest, until her best, found new edition --

She was his dream, his Lorelei, his apparition.

Now I will add some blah blahs for rhythm.

A sailor's heart
Was torn apart,
blah blah by her condition.
He vowed to plate
And seal and paint,
blah blah from her perdition.
He would not rest
Until her best,
Found blah blah new edition.
She was his dream,
His Lorelei,
blah blah his apparition.

Oh, and I'd drop the last two lines of the poem (maybe use them to start another because they go off on a whole 'nother thought) since this is, in essence, a love poem.

I see, M -- much better. Thanks!

Very nice of you, LisB, but you are a poet. S how would you have written this story?

Sorry, JN, misplaced response to you just below Barefoot

I like your line arrangement much better than mine, Flower. Want to fill in the blah, blahs or write your own version?

and just for fun:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdov2UIjUpY

Nope.

From what feeling I get from your poem, you have intimate knowledge of this vessel and her lover. There's no way I can fill in the blanks. Only you can, Wendy S.

Now, I like your poem quite a bit. I am a big fan of verse, especially the elongated verse you present. I am not good at it.

The reason I am not good at it is because in my own poetry and prose I try my best to strip away sentiment, cliche and overeager modifiers. By overeager modifiers I mean modifiers that do too much to a verb or noun that would stand just fine on its own. To "scream loudly" is the same as to "scream." If you "scream softly," you are not screaming and should, perhaps, find a different verb unless your authorial intent is to be ironic.

I am not a poet; my mother was. So, I'm cautiously taking baby steps, re: poetry.

I think you are a poet; you just need to practice. I would reccomend finding your voice. There are bits of your voice here, but I think you have corseted it by adapting a complicated verse technique. You have taken a wonderful image and stretched it to fit the structure... and there are some seams showing. There are certain word choices and modifier uses that seem to be filler that helps the poem obey the structure. Trust me, ww, it takes time to make the structure obey your voice. You have to practice. Write meaningless verbage and put it together... understand how to make a verse work for you.

But this image is quite striking and quite deep. I certainly divined something from it, which was why I was compelled to demonstrate a bit of free verse to show my interpretation. But I would reccomend, as you admit that you are a novice, exploring the image itself and writing what comes to you naturally... then fit it together in a manner that lets the image breathe freely and fill the space of the page. When it comes alive, you will know, and then you won't have to ask us for advice... the poem will simply kick our ass instead.

But I just want to repeat that it is lovely and shows that you really do have a talent... in fact, you could just keep writing this kind of verse and it would be appreciated. But I think, judging from clues, that you are much better than that.

If I have a connection tonight I will come back to this. I like it. Meanwhile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_NzR5yZ1Z8

OK - Zip -- now this that you've written is great. Fascinating to see how different people treat the same subject. Thank you!

You're quite right that I struggled to fit a structure. When I started it, my intention was a 14 line sonnet consisting of three verses of four lines each plus the 2-line ending, each line to consist of ten syllables.
Well. As you can see, that got away from me in a hurry, as instead of (abab cdcd efef gg) I got lost and ended up with singsongy (aaaa bbbb cccc dd). I should have scrapped it and started over, eh? Thank you for the serious tips.

The oh so brave wwstaebler
Showed through line and verse who was abler
To construct a meter tried and true
A song, a chant, a verbal hue

From which a story of ressurection
Nautical or otherwise was her intention
No murk or quirk could quite conceal
the truths wwstaebler sought to reveal

The pig he lapses into sing-song
The rhyming gods see piggies brain as ping-pong
A caricature is his only response
What else would expect from a porcine dunce?

Seriously WW. I honor your chutzpah.

Stunningly beautiful, ww! I'm blown away. By the imagery. By the verse. The rhymes. And the meaning. What more does beauty hold? :-)

Miguel, I left on a trip of my own with a new laptop and forgot to add your Adrider address so I could continue to follow your trip. Would you post it again, por favor?

Don't care so much for christopher cross, but you really sailed in waves that high? I'd be lashin' myself to the mast! Whoosh!

Shoot --
I copied the wrong video. The correct one is this, but start at 2:30:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCrkugLUG3o&feature=related
You mentioned in one of your blogs, Wendy, that you had done jobs that only men had done.
I was the only female on this crew and so I sat forward, changed sails and made sandwiches. Didn't matter. It was glorious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCrkugLUG3o&feature=related

Miguel -- I am undone. Thank you. The poem errs, profoundly, as a poem. But the heart that wrote it is what you chose to recognize and for that, I am grateful beyond imagining.
How are you? Where are you?

I wanted to respond, but am awed by the poem itself and all the learned responses. Thanks for this Wendy, and all of the rest of you!

I feel like I am stuck at :

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue......

Brava Wendy!

Neat trick I recently learned ... if you add a "#t=02m30s" to the end of a YouTube URL, it starts at the specified time ....

like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCrkugLUG3o&feature=related#t=02m30s

Used to sail out of Annapolis from time to time. Did a few Atlantic jaunts, but I really enjoyed the day trips just puttering around the Chesapeake best of all. You make me miss it - going out on a lake just isn't the same.

I'm getting older and I'm in Morelia, Michoacan. Read all about it.

I will take to heart what you have said, kgb. May we read one of your songs?

You take such wonderful photos C'Ville -- how about a story or poem to go with them?

I did not see this until today, Mh2o -- and I thank you. You are an empathetic, kind pig, in every circumstance. With dignity, as pigs are, by nature.

You only missed it because I didn't post it until today :-). I'm impressed you noticed so quickly (or at all - I'm terrible at that sort of thing on my threads).

Glad you enjoyed. Yeah it's a completed song (among my first, actually). Don't think I ever officially recorded it, though. Hell, I've only performed it a handful of times. It's been quite some time since I did my own stuff (and my personal music web site bit the big one a while back). To the extent I've been performing for the last several years it's been sideman bass stuff ... a singer I back up occasionally posted a a few videos including me (some audio seems out of sync).

Zip's comment is interesting and I do see some relationship between the thoughts. Kind of wish it was someone else - we don't get along too well. So before I comment, let me say there is no "right" ... take my thoughts for what they are, just thoughts from my point of view. I think all of the mechanical advice everyone has given is really first rate, and the people who have given it are likely more expert on such things than myself.

Right off the bat, two things jump out at me from his comment where I might have a useful observation. First in re the "knock your socks off". I think this speaks to the importance of presentation as it does to the quality of a poem itself. It isn't really possible to get a completely genuine reaction when art is presented with a note: "please go through and tell me why this is weak." It changes the "ear" with which the listener hears. I know you did this looking for pointers, and it started a great conversation, but an upshot is it turned your audience into critics right off the bat. I guess what I'm saying is that a part of knocking people's socks off is allowing those so inclined to let go of everything else and get their socks knocked off. Most people *want* to enjoy and will instinctively home in on the parts they love, not technical weakness. A part of art is creating an environment where this instinct is enhanced (in music, traditionally this involves a big 'ole vat of electric Kool-aide!!!! ;-).

Stylistically, he comes at it from a very different place than I do. For instance, in my world there are indeed different volumes at which one can shout; it is product of the type of vibration one creates with their vocal cords as much as it is volume. Think about this statement:

The reason I am not good at it is because in my own poetry and prose I try my best to strip away sentiment, cliche and overeager modifiers.

I like your poem structurally (as I said previously). Contrasting them, in your poem each verse has it's own internal rhyme with each line conforming. Mine flirted with rhyme a bit more playfully - not settling into a set pattern until the last double-length verse in which every second phrase (2 lines/phrase with this formatting) is a matched rhyme echo .... I think maybe this works because of the "go away/joy today" hook that provides closure and continuity between the verses (or maybe it doesn't work at all, sort of subjective). I think zip gives really good advice in general about playing with structure to allow your thoughts to "breathe". I view creating more as a palate and empty canvas than a paint-by-numbers that has a "correct" completed form. I am always of the opinion it is better to hone one's skills though making more and more art, so I don't like the advice of "structured meaningless verbiage." IMO, you could put that same effort into making a new poem and the world would be a happier place. Then roll the experience into the next one.

More than anything, just have fun with it - it's about connecting, not impressing. And thanks for the conversation to spew over something enjoyable to think about.