Every now and then I come back to Earth for a little look around, maybe a stroll through Turban Outfitters, looking for ironic t-shirts and throwback burqas for the ladies.  Nothing apocalyptic about it.  I’m chill, man. It’s just that when you change the world like Jesus, Moses, Einstein, Picasso or Elvis, you continue your interest in worldly things long after you shuffle off the mortal coil.  Me and Elvis live on the same block uptown, you know

That’s my crew, by the way.  It’s me, Jesus, Moses, Picasso and Elvis.  We call ourselves the Justice League.  We fight crime.  Or, we would, if there was crime in heaven.  But everything’s free up there, so nobody fights over anything.

One time Elvis said to me, “Man… if you go back for a look around, don’t be surprised if people are going really messed up shit in your name.  You preach sex, drugs and rock and roll but you get the worst violence.”  When he heard that, Moses said “Word.”  Jesus just put up a hand.

As I turned to leave Jesus said, “Brother, a piece of advice.”

Jesus gives great advice, especially about carpentry.  So, I listened.

“Don’t get worked up about how they draw you down there.  Most of them think I’m a blonde white guy.”

Picasso scribbled something on a piece of paper and told me to take it to Christie’s so I’d have cash for my trip.  Einstein calculated the proper warp factor for my journey so that I would arrive in the present day but also in the prime of my life.  “Man, I don’t need your help,” I said.  “Muslims invented math.”  But, truthfully, you don’t say no to Einstein’s help in these matters.

I hit New York, sold the Picasso, deposited the money in an overseas UBS account and then headed over to Morimoto’s for lunch – sushi with extra Wahhabi – when I got the news about the Charlie Hebdo murders.  I can’t say Elvis didn’t warn me.

“I wouldn’t think much of it, Muhammad,” said the waiter.  “We all know that yours is a religion of peace.”

I know the guy was just trying to make me feel better and was maybe sucking up for a little extra tip, but I have to be honest with you – I never set out to start a peaceful religion.  You have to understand, when I was doing my thing, the Arab world was basically in a feudal state.  Warring tribes wandered the desert attacking each other’s caravans.  Each tribe had its own god and customs.  Total chaos.  I was a merchant, deeply embroiled in all of that.  I sold halal meat and thought, “my business would be way better if everybody ate this stuff.”  I also prayed a lot.  When I turned 40, the angel Gabriel appeared to me in a vision and started telling me stuff about how I could form a religion that would unite the entire Arab world and, also, help me expand my halal meat empire.  When you have a vision like that, you listen.

What followed was a lot of animosity on both sides.  People started to grok up my religion and of course the powers that be found that threatening and reacted with the usual ritualistic slaughter of martyrs. But Gabriel said to me, “Muhammad, you can use this for PR,” and I did.  This happens to all of the religions.  You start out oppressed, you get more and more followers and pretty soon you’ve conquered the world from Medina to Mecca.  It’s not peaceful, but these things never are.  We used to call it “creative destruction.”

So, look, bringing peace was never my bag.  If I had to describe my accomplishments, I’d say I was a uniter, not a divider.

I guess if I had to address the Charlie Hebdo killers I’d say that there’s no way anyone in their twenties should be so certain of anything that they’d resort to lethal violence.  I was 40 years old when I had my first vision.  40.  You don’t know shit about life before 40.

I went back to heaven pretty depressed.  I had a beer with Einstein.  It’s okay to drink in heaven.  The public transportation is divine.

“Man,” said Einstein.  “Look what they did with my ideas…”