OK - if you need to understand the level of disdain I have for the right wing of the Republican party you just need to take a look at a few of my previous posts.  I've called them every name - and I think they deserve everything I've leveled at them - and then some.  And in all fairness - I've tended to label all Republicans as right wing Neo-con Evangelical Christians.  But just because most of them happen to suck the lifeblood from our Nation doesn't mean they all are that way.

There are actually middle of the road members of the GOP, many of whom focus their primary attention on making sure we don't spend in a way they deem wasteful, and are  proponents of lower taxes.  And although they may not want to watch two dudes going to town on each other in an airport bathroom - they certainly don't have any issue against allowing those same two guys to marry one another.  And while they may prefer that pregnant teens carry their babies to term and  allow them to be adopted by a loving family, they certainly understand that a 14 year old that who lives in a broken home riddled with abuse, poverty, and an abstinence only attitude toward sex education just might be better off not adding to the already unbearable home life by adding another child to the mix.  They realize that not all young teens are prepared for the psychological scarring of bonding with a baby for 9 months, then having to live your life always wondering "what if". They immediately dismiss the ramblings of Bristol Palin and daddy Todd about the precious little mistake. Am I the only one who finds it a bit creepy thinking of Todd taking his daughter, dressed in prom night gear to a purity ball? Yes - OK - I understand.  These Republicans understand that if the crazies on the right weren't so scientifically illiterate they'd know that mass distribution and education about the morning after pill would eliminate much of the problem.  But no - the religious right won't bend on their ignorant position about the magic of conception and the "fact" that a soul is placed by god into that blastycyst the instant some horny teen "forgets" to pull out and accidentally shoots his wonder juice all over her incredible edible. If God is literally just sitting there watching this drunken backseat sloppy sex waiting to drop a soul at the moment of conception like so many right wingers say - well - God is a dirty bastard with some pedophiliac tendencies.   Does he jack off while waiting to drop that soul a la Zeus? (who liked to take the form of a bull and impregnate women - the babies becoming the hero's we all know about).  Each of these hero's moms is a god damned bull-fucker!  But I digress.

Every time.  Even that ONE time!!

No - this Republican isn't stupid.  I don't know if Mitt Romney falls into this category - or Jeb Bush, or any of the other guys trying to rebrand the party - but for this argument I'm going to assume they are. All Republicans who are trying to avoid the  rotting death that is gripping their party has the same problem.

THEY MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL - AND THE DEVIL HAS THEM BY THE BALLS!!

The devil is of course the idealogues on the right - the conservative fundamentalist Christians that they courted back in the 60's - and as much as they realize that their continued support of these Joe the Plumber's or Ann Coulters or Michelle Malkins, or Glenn Becks or .... means the slow death of their party, even a hint of dissention or a position shift would mean the immediate implosion of the GOP and a the formation of a new party of hard line conservatives.

ISSUES THAT THE "NEW GOP" WOULD LIKE TO AVOID - BUT CRAZED HARD LINERS VIEW AVOIDANCE AS SUPPORT FOR SATAN

· Gay Marriage. Bottom line - eventually - it will be protected by our Constitution. Any educated and forward thinking person sees that.  More and more states will approve it - and as it's shown to be a very positive thing, all the arguments against it will be disproven OVER AND OVER AGAIN.  Supporters of a ban on gay marriage will eventually quiet down, as each of their arguments are shredded by proof.  Sure - they'll jump at ANY random statistic or event - and sensationalize any news about a random act (a married homosexual couple gets into a domestic disturbance, and Chico slaps Mitch in the face prompting a gloriously effeminate 9-1-1 call) - and "LOOK - THEY ARE VIOLENT - AND PROBABLY DEVIANT TOO!" they will squeal.  But as it happened with mysogyny laws - so will it happen with gay marriage.  Eventually - we will look back and no one can believe anyone ever opposed it.  History will not look favorably on gay marriage opponents. They should ask themselves now - do they want to go down in history next to the Klansman, the Nazi, and whatever Ann Coulter is?

"Little Miss Coathanger 2008"

Abortion. A woman's right to choose is protected by law - and that law was upheld by the SUPREME COURT.  Pro Life activists are trying to deny women a right, just as if some government agency was trying to go into your home and take your personal papers to spy on you without a warrant.  Oh - bad example.  But you get the picture.  They are getting involved in someone else's body.   On top of that - many are against teaching about contraception or the use of any and are against the morning after pill.   So, let me get this right.  They don't want to limit pregnancy, God will do that. But I know there is no God - so they want to make sure as many babies are born as possible (whether these kids are born into a terrible life - so what - they just need to pull themselves up by their mother fucking bootstraps). And then, being Republicans,  they want to take away as many social programs and protections for the poor. Nice!!  Many want to require a woman to give birth to a baby when she has been raped or the baby is a child of incest.  Ok ass-tards - have any of you ever been raped?  I'm not talking about your fantasies of some female bodybuilder using a strap on, I'm talking about real, disgusting, painful, evil RAPE? If not - you get no opinion on this one. What kind of psychopath would think this way? Oh - right - we're talking about the Christian right again - nothing is outside of their sphere of stupidity and ignorance.

· Evolution. I've been pretty clear.  If you a young earth creationist - I'll take a page from your side and try to take away rights.  You should lose your rights to teach your kids anything.  Period.  You might as well just pick out the trailer park space they will be fortunate enough to rent down the road, and take family photo's now so you can get your kids pictured with all of their teeth and most of their faculties still intact.  And as I said in a previous post, you might need to be sterilized to make sure you can't reproduce and intellectually stunt any more children.  If you're a creationist - but have taken that step toward sanity and understood the bible can't be taken literally - and have come up with various rationalizations about "days" meaning periods of time - even millions of years - I ask you to stop and examine that concession you just made. You conceded literal translation equals a likely outcome that I am right.  But by denying the "inerrant word of God", and MAKING A WILLY NILLY INTERPRETATION based on what suits you best, you have disgraced the bible even more than I have.  And that's saying something.  And if you still believe evolution is a controversy - well - you can at least make an argument.  It's not a good argument - but you're not one of the imbeciles believing the universe is 6000 years old.

· Global Warming. If you are a global warming denier - you fall into one of two categories.   Either you're one of the TOTAL psychopaths who feel it's your biblical duty to destroy the Earth - because it's doomed anyway and Jesus is coming back to whisk you away in his strong muscular arms on "rapture day" - so there is no point in conservation (even if you're right - what if Jesus is like that "neat freak" roommate you had when you were in your "pray away the gay" camp in high school, and is mad you messed up his place) - or you actually (pause for laughter) believe the "scientists" (laughter increases, fall to knees, clutch midsection) who got their degrees from Regent University or Oral Roberts over the ones who graduated from Stanford. (fully cracking yourself up - laying on floor, laughing with wild abandon).  Most of the "scientists" who deny global warming are not only unqualified and ignorant, and couldn't tell you the difference between a core sample and a Bunsen burner, and are corrupted by corporations with a direct financial stake in causing global warming.  They are so stupid that they don't even realize the only reason they are being selected by these corporations is because they are unqualified to make scientific statements.  Yet they do make them.  Over and over, they risk permanent harm to the planet and all life on it (animals don't have souls so who cares, and as my friend Kalakitty points out so beautifully in her "Vegetarians Exposed: Anti-Jesus, Anti-American, Bestiality Crazed & Building Momentum. (Proof of Deviancy Far Deeper than Meatlessness!)" post - vegetables and plants are from the devil anyway)

The fabulous life and God Given Superority of being White (and, even better - male).  This is one of those issues that isn't talked about openly - but most members of the GOP understand it's of critical importance to their base.  That base is comprised of millions of "Joe the plumbers", and his wife "Joanne". Joe and Joannie has four kids - and she is no longer is concerned with femininity.  She's gone to a bowl cut haircut that's longer in the back, and either wears sweats or "mom" jeans.  She has a front butt - and a giant "gunt" - (I'll let you figure out what I mean).  She hasn't shaved her pubic region for three years - and gives up "lights off zero foreplay totally silent missionary style pleasureless" sex whenever her husband wants it (that fun image courtesy of Kalakitty as well) as he is the man and it's her duty to obey him.   It's in the bible - and in the mind of every right winger. As a white Christian male - you are to be obeyed in your home- and of course when you go outside you expect the same. You constantly shout you are being threatened by minorities, yet no threat exists.  You watch Lou Dobbs expel hatred of the Mexicans every night on TV. What they don't show is that as he shouts his hatred, he has to keep a garbage can in front of him at all times, to catch the excess waste coming from his mouth, as well as  little black smelly pieces of his long dead soul . Lou makes right wingers feel "right" again.  You use racial slurs in jokes to promote your superiority.  You feel it's your birthright to ALWAYS be in the majority.  You've had such disdain and hatred for the word minority for so long, you fail to realize that you and I both will soon be one - and that you should just be hoping others don't treat you like the white man has treated minorities throughout history.  Just an FYI - if you get offered any blankets - check them for swine flu or polio first! You foolishly continue to support "English Only" laws - and won't allow your children to be taught another language  so they might just have a chance of competing in the new globle marketplace.  Oh - even if they do catch up to the rest of the World on foreign language - you have filled their head with biblical stories and taught that they were true.  Sorry - we're not looking for idiots today.  Try again later.

There are more isues - but I think you get the point.   If you are a reasonable, moderate  GOP'er and can actually read the writing on the wall (It says for a good time meet Larry Craig at the hotel Coral Essexat 5:30) (if you haven't seen Revenge of the Nerds 2 - take out elCEs.) - you know you must abandon the stupidity and ignorance represented by right wing positions on the above issue.

But unfortunately you know what that would mean. The GOP would immediately split into two factions.  The smaller group is comprised of the original GOP who want the Government to stay out of people's lives on both financial and social issues, and will combine effortlessly with the Libertarians .  The larger group are those "fightin' Christ-ees" who take on the above issues, spurred on from fiery sermons of fat red faced pastors talking about how these are the end times and how the battle has started, continue to take the most extreme position possible and, like a rabid foaming at the mouth dog attack anyone who doesn't share their viewpoint.

The "GOP reformers" have no other option - except to just quietly wait for their party to die. A fully unified party couldn't avoid an electoral landslide to the political machine that is Barack Obama.  A split party, with a third candidate thrown into the mix (I'm thinking Uncle Tom Tancredo) only makes the margin of victory bigger for Obama in 2012 .  The GOP is like a man who's been given a terminal diagnosis  - and told there is no cure, and the only thing the Dr. can do is make you comfortable until you die.  (I say bring on the hydromorphone - anyone got Rush's number?) There is no real hope.  Every move they make has an unacceptable outcome - and they just haven't convinced their brain it's over.

It's the ultimate Catch 22.  As Rush and Mike Huckabee and Sean Hannity use their position of power to try to "save" their party, but continue to admonish any reasonable moderate GOP'er who doesn't shout extremist positions, and who tries to actually fix the situation, they are slowly squeeze the remaining life out of the party.

The only real option is to take the Arlen Specter position.  Change parties - and attempt to form a conservative wing of the Democratic party.   That's the only way to avoid checkmate - and we need to be prepared for it, and come up with a strategy to defeat it.

OH - AND BY THE WAY - I'VE BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS A HOMOSEXUAL DUE TO THE DEVIANCE OF MY ALTER EGO REVEREND EZEKIEL.  WELL, I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED STRAIGHT MAN - WHO JUST BELIEVES THAT "THE GAYS" HAVE JUST AS MUCH RIGHT TO MARRY AS MY HEATHEN ASS DOES.  MY WIFE EVEN POSTS HERE - AND GENERALLY SHE WILL MAKE SURE I DON'T STEP OVER THE LINE.  BUT SHE'S OUT OF TOWN - SO YOU GET THE UNFILTERED VERSION.  I HOPE IT WASN'T TOO EMOTIONALLY SCARRING.