Yeah, yeah...another self-serving, personal post. If that offends you, just stop reading now. I tried to talk myself out of doing it, but I was unsuccessful. You know how stubborn I can be.

I remember my first blog like it was yesterday. I was scared to death to throw my words out there to the wolves, but I figured, why not? I have something to say, and it's not like if I embarrass myself, anyone will know it but me.

I had made a comment on someone else's blog and Demosuar suggested that I make it a stand alone post so it would get more attention. Wow! Someone thought what I said was worth repeating to a larger audience!

So I did it. July 17, 2008. The birth of Stilli.

And who did I run headlong into, but Readytoblowagasket, who figured me for a troll. Hell I didn't even know what a troll was, but I conjured up images of the scary, ugly creatures hiding under bridges and figured it couldn't be a good thing.

Now, remember (just in case you didn't take the time to read that introductory post), back in those days I was a republican. I was pissed at bush, and had decided not to vote in 2008, because there was no way I'd ever vote for a democrat for President. Then I discovered Barack Obama, and stumbled onto TPM.

So, anyway, Blow and I went back and forth for the better part of a day. I never got out of my jammies, and my daughter even took a picture of me sitting in my recliner, laptop on my lap, slamming away on the keys!

About 80+ comments later, I finally convinced Blow I was who I said I was, and had my heart in the right place, and I'd found a place where people actually listened to what I was saying, and were swayed by my words.

Many of you were there that day, and the days that followed, and have read my words as I re-evaluated everything I ever thought I knew. Along the way, I got my butt kicked regularly, by some of the heavy hitters around here, and every time, I came away smarter than I was going in.

In those early days, I used to watch through the windows while you visited after hours at Missy's and finally worked up the courage to join you. We shared a glass of wine, and seldom talked politics. Missy threw out a conversation starter, we listened to some great music, and we got to know each other. What great times those were!

You guys were there to share my frustration when mccain picked palin as his running mate, and celebrated with me when I changed my affiliation to democrat. We all cried the happiest of tears together when Obama won. My life has changed in more ways than I ever could have imagined, and all of you have had a part in that.

Now I am perfectly aware I am not the writer that many of you are. And I don't have a college education, or high-powered career. But, I like to think that what I lack in talent and education, I at least partially make up for with passion, real world experience, an ability to articulate my thoughts without resorting to meanness, and a genuine desire to learn from all of you and grow a little wiser every day.

I think our days here are numbered. Until I saw Al's e-mail, I really thought we might have a shot at getting Josh to change his mind. This place is just too special to throw it away, I thought. How can it mean so much to me, and so little to its creator?

I suppose there is a chance. Is it possible to come this close to the precipice and not fall in?

But, more and more the ability to navigate around is disappearing. I fear I will wake up one day and it will be gone. So, as much as I have tried to stay positive, I feel like I need to say goodbye. Oh, I'll hang out until the end. I've said in a couple of different comments that I'll leave claw marks in the asphalt as they drag me away. But, it just isn't going to be the same. I'm really not here to comment on what paid contributors have to say. I resent the people who throw their words out, then don't stick around to defend them, or interact with us. I can't imagine I would be willing to settle for that. Maybe, I suppose. I may miss you all enough to put up with it. But I know, not everyone will. One way or another, we will be split up, and the cafe, as we knew it, will be gone.

You all came into my life at a time when there weren't many adult, thinking people in my earth-based existence. Some of you have become friends behind the scenes, and those friendships will continue...at least some of them. But there are others that will be gone from my life. And a few will leave holes in my heart, just as surely as Ant and Lux did. I'm tempted to name names, but I'm afraid I would forget someone, and that would break my heart.

So, to all of you, I raise my glass in gratitude, for your support, for holding my feet to the fire, for making me laugh, teaching me things I never thought I needed to learn, sharing your lives and experience with me, and for a dozen other things that escape me at the moment...

I truly hope I have written this prematurely, and the reader posts will continue. If so, it still will have felt good to tell you how much you all mean to me.

fondly, Stilli