Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:

Monday, December 1st, 2014 -- a date which will live in internet – a Japan-based multimedia entertainment conglomerate doing business in the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by hackers from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

Sony was at peace with that nation and, in fact, the father and former leader of the DPRK was an avowed and public fan of actor James Franco.  Though Kim Jong Il died in 2011, to be seceded as leader by his son, Kim Jong Un (affectionately known as “Jeb”), the United States has received no indication via diplomatic cables or back channels that the DPRK’s government has soured on James Franco or ever had any opinion on the talents of Seth Rogen.

It will be recorded that the distance of Korea to Hollywood makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Korean government has deliberately sought to deceive our entertainment industry by fawningly pirating its movies and television shows for resale on global black markets.

The attack yesterday on Sony has caused severe damage to American business executives and celebrities.  I regret to tell you that very many American emails, Social Security numbers and Uber profiles have been lost. The Seth Rogen-James Franco buddy comedy The Interview will now potentially never be seen by anybody ever, jeopardizing not only the back-end profit-sharing agreements of its stars, but the franchise potential of the whole idea. In addition, Angelina Jolie’s feelings have been hurt.

Yesterday, the North Korean hackers disrupted a massive, online multiplayer Call of Duty operation.

North Korean hackers also infiltrated Seamless.com, changing pizza orders to bibimbap.

Last night, North Korean hackers mansplained why catcallers are actually giving women compliments on seven totally unrelated Jezebel.com articles.

Last night, North Korean hackers put another U2 album onto your iPhone without your permission.  It was Achtung, Baby.

Last night, North Korean hackers commandeered Reddit to declare Reese Witherspoon an example of “Shit Middle-Aged White Women Like.”

And this morning, North Korean hackers created a fake Justin Bieber Twitter feed.

The DPRK has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the entertainment industry, on a platform agnostic battlefield optimized for mobile devices. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our celebrities and the business executives who coddle them.

As a personal friend to Apple CEO Tim Cook, I have directed that all measures be taken for their defense. Always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against our most celebrated and well-compensated citizens.  No matter how long it may take, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory so that our stars can once again sleep securely.

Hackers exist. There is no blinking at the fact that some of our favorite multinational corporations are in grave danger.  With the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph and we will all sit, as a nation, and watch The Interview together, whether or not the funniest bits were in the trailer.

God bless Sony and God bless America.