[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I originally wrote this for readers at Open Salon, but believe the advice below is of great importance to all bloggers lesser than myself.]

Hi, everyone, I'm Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum. My friends call me Bill, but for purposes of this presentation, I'd rather you called me Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum.

Being a Master Blogger is a time-consuming effort, explaining why there are so few people around that call me Bill. Nonetheless, sometimes I need to take time away for the small people out there who work day and night to write blog posts I could write while being waterboarded.

This is not your fault, obviously. For one, you aren't Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum. More importantly, no one shares the important tricks with you. Please note, I have had 1 post  on Open Salon get an Editor's Recommendation. Also, I've won Two Alaska Press Club Awards. Again, you don't just call yourself a "Master Blogger" without verification.

So here's a quick and easy template that will give you the chance to get recommended and finally  gain the tiny amount of fame that makes your miserable life worth living. Nothing personal, of course.

First, start off with something jokey about yourself.

Since I became a working housewife I've been happier than a turkey rubbing an elephant ...

Sorry, I've lived in Brazil about five years now. I have kind of lost touch with what Americans find funny. But you've likely already made that determination.

Anyway, introduce a rare and horribly screwed up disease.

And then we learned my daughter had Coprophagiatis. A rare condition that means she has to eat poop to survive ....

Throw in some facts ....

Only one child every recorded history gets this disease ...

Put a little scare on ...

... but it's likely your child has it, too.

Get a high-quality photo of someone famous, make it part of the story. This will guarantee readers regardless.

...My daughter dreamed of meeting Megan Fox, but now that she has to eat so much poop, well ...

The Hand of God kills everyone ...

... And when I saw my family go on that plane to get my daughter that operation, I wondered if I'd ever see them again ...

Then take the hand of God, for comfort.

If not for God's support these many years, I'd have never had the strength to start the Coprophagiatis Counseling Center ...

Bash Bush.

... And if not for the cuts of the Bush Administration ...

Quote Greenwald.

Like Salon's Green Greenwald wrote, "With his Rolling Stone article on Gen. McChrystal, Michael Hastings has become both the personification of, and spokesperson for, Real Journalism, and as a result, has provoked intense animosity from establishment-serving "reporters" everywhere."

And I believe that.

One last  joke.

And with God's help, we'll clean up all the poop in the ...

Again, sorry. No clue. I saw an Adam Sandler film was at the box office and figured poop jokes were in again. But I digress.

The Big Finish

And I've been through all this despite being born without a pancreas, fingers, central nervous system, eyelashes, head, etc.

Finally, make your avatar photo at open Salon sexy. I'd suggest using Alyssa Milano.

Then you can Twitter her telling her you used it out of respect and show her the story, hoping she has a soft spot for the Coprophagiatic. Tell others you just used her photo to be ironic.

Really, that's about it. Forget all those rules they gave you on how to get readers. And especially, forget this "tell your friends about your blog" nonsense, because if you had friends, you wouldn't be hanging around here acting sophisticated and pretending you're a "Master Blogger."

--WKW