Last summer, a team of archaeologists excavating a Roman-era latrine outside Jerusalem made a remarkable discovery. Buried beneath centuries of silt and fecal matter, the archaeologists discovered an ancient manuscript. The manuscript appears to be an abridged version of the Old Testament with commentary by the infamous heretic, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen.

May 1, 2029

Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."

April 27, 2029

The world's most popular search engine, MyRealittee.com, set a new record with its long-awaited ¥8.3 trillion IPO on the WongDaq stock exchange in Shanghai. MyRealittee.com's unusual IPO process, a reverse double-blind Flemish auction with a half-somersault, left analysts scratching their heads but did not prevent a buying frenzy that drove the share price up to ¥1279 by the end of trading. MyRealittee.com is now worth ¥74.8 trillion, approximately four times the GDP of the United States.

Once again, Jesus Christ has exposed himself to mortals though a tasty snack. This time, his vehicle of choice was toasted cheese bread.

Governor Brad Henry of Oklahoma decisively resolved a major battle over the official state rock song today. I bet you didn't realize that states had official rock songs, least of all Oklahoma.

Well it does now. In an online contest, a majority of Oklahomans voted for Do You Realize? by the weird psychadelicish band, The Flaming Lips. I bet you didn't realize that the Flaming Lips came from Oklahoma.

April 24, 2029

There have been many sober pronouncements lately about the end American hegemony, both on this blog and elsewhere. Some have reacted with despondence, others with glee. It may be that the end is nigh--it has to end sometime--but we should keep in mind that the forecasters of doom emerge from their caves during every period of hardship.

Last week, I wrote about the threat of deflation after the news that U.S. consumer prices dropped last year, the first time since 1955. Dagblog's Deadman played down the risk, and I agreed that current deflation levels were not a threat. But now it seems that deflation is knocking a bit harder at Europe's door, particularly Spain's.

Sri Lanka stands on the edge of a massacre. After 26 years of civil war, the Sri Lankan army has ousted ethnic Tamil separatists from vast territories they once controlled and trapped the remaining fighters on a 6-square mile strip of beach. With the fighters are an estimated 60,000 human hostages.

My girlfriend sent this to me. Do you think it's a hint? Pretty funny in any case.

More animations at Tales of Mere Existence.

U.S. consumer prices fell unexpectedly in March and recorded their first annual drop since 1955, government data showed on Wednesday, as slumping demand pushed down energy and food costs. [Reuters]

Falling prices? It's like a national fire-sale. What's not to like?

When we last left our hero, he was pitifully angsting about whether to leave his home of New York City. Many readers have demanded to know what he decided. OK, no one has actually demanded, but that won't stop him from sharing, nor from referring to himself in the third person.

After breaking the camera of an aggressive paparazzo who was photographing him with his daughter, Woody Harrelson explained that he mistook the photographer for a zombie:

"I wrapped a movie called 'Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."

Under relentless media pressure after weeks of foot-dragging, the Obama Administration finally selected a nominee for a top government post: First Dog.

Banks are chafing under Federal bailout terms, according to today's New York Times. Fearing that they will be forced to sell off toxic assets and curtail executive compensation, some banks are trying to return bailout money. But there's a catch. In order to receive the bailout loans, the banks had to grant the Federal Government stock warrants. The warrants give the Federal Government the option to buy stock in the company at a specified price.

You've no doubt seen the video in which Obama bowed meekly before King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia:

Happy Earth Hour, everyone! In a gesture of appreciation for our beautiful planet, which if all goes according to plan will slowly simmer to death sometime this century, dagblog is joining the stampede of environmentally concerned municipalities and other organizations turning the lights off major landmarks for one hour this evening.

A recent World Bank study indicates a disturbing rise in trade protectionism around the world in response to the economic crisis. Here are a few examples:

No, I am not referring to bankers. I'm speaking of the International Criminal Court's indictment of Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir on war crimes charges. Bashir is a force of evil in the world. His leadership has directly contributed to the suffering, murder, and genocide of millions. He deserves the most severe penalties we can in good conscience apply.