The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Breaking: Man, 47, denies gravity; Debates, TV specials scheduled

    By William K. Wolfrum on Tue, 02/25/2014 - 7:53am | Humor & Satire, Media

    CLEVELAND - UPS driver Tim Johnston woke up one day last week with a feeling of dread. A feeling that things just weren't right. So often he felt this way but never spoke up about it. But this time, he wasn't going to let it pass. This time, he was going to speak out.

    "Gravity is BS," said Johnston. "I've thought about this for awhile and it just doesn't add up."

    Johnston said he based his anti-Law-of-Gravity theory on the simple fact that not all things are not constantly falling all the time.

    "Kinda seems like that's what would happen if gravity were real, right?" said Johnston, 47. "I mean, that's how it feels to me."

    Johnston's announcement caused a commotion in the entertainment/science industry. ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & Fox News ("Gravity: Stop Being a Slave") have all announced new news/science/entertainment specials that will address this building dissent over gravity's effects.

    CNN also announced it will feature a two-hour, primetime debate between renowned entertainer/activist/scientist/TV Personality Bill Nye and Johnston. Nye said this was an opportunity to educate the public.

    "Science!" said Nye, who then pushed a button that made his bow tie spin.

    Others have joined Johnston's call.

    "[Gravity] was filmed on a soundstage by the government!" said citizen Raul Pudd, pounding his fists and with spittle flying everywhere.

    For Johnston, the attention has been worth it as he tries to bring attention to what some have called "The Greatest Hoax in American History."

    "It just feels wrong, right?" said Johnston, a Capricorn. "This is one of those things that liberals believe that's just BS. I mean, it's just a theory."

    CNN chief Jeff Zucker said he was glad to see his network begin to take shape in his image.

    "This is what the people want," said Zucker, who announced that one lucky debate viewer will win a free trip to Tucson, Arizona. "People are asking questions.

    "Is gravity America's greatest hoax, or not?" added Zucker. "That's what we want to attempt to answer, if we can. We're CNN."

    --WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Topics: 
    Humor & Satire
    Media

    Comments

    Good points.

    We had a demonstration about the Great Liberal Gravity Hoax in Washington DC a couple years ago. Yeah, It's a THEORY like EVOLUTION. Ever seen either one? Nooooo!

    I have a theory gravity is caused by tiny invisible aliens holding stuff down to trick us into believing Libtards. Can't see um but they're there!

    There is no gravity in space and stuff floats around because the aliens can't breathe in space....can't hold stuff down....that is a fact. They get flung off rockets by the smoke.

    Evolution? OK, sure...put some monkeys on typewriters for maybe a million years and wait for them to tap out Shakespeare...that's e-v-o-l-u-t-i-o-n in a coconut.


    by NCD on Tue, 02/25/2014 - 10:37am

    I just read this.  It's funny!  And I thought it would be another one of those serious tracts Daggers are so fond of foisting on us.  Somebody around here has a sense of humor.  Who knew?


    by Ramona on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 11:11am

    I don't believe in Germ Theory.  Take soap dispensers out of public school restrooms.


    by OmAli (not verified) on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 1:41pm

    Well, I believe that republicans who hold office are selfish, money-hungry narcissists who have no interest in governing and could care less about the general good of our country.

    I'm ready to debate this issue. CNN?  David Gregory?  Anyone?


    by CVille Dem on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 6:39pm

    From Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal:


    by Verified Atheist on Wed, 02/26/2014 - 6:59pm

    I think the GOP has a point, and they should prove to the world what frauds the libertards are once and for all by all gathering together, holding hands, and jumping off Mt. Rushmore - and no fair wearing their propeller-equipped bennies. That'll show those damn liberal frauds!


    by Wattree on Thu, 03/06/2014 - 12:35am