Trying to stay a step ahead of their rapidly spreading oily public relations disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, today British Petroleum announced a new contest that would guarantee every entrant a free gallon of crude oil.

“When people think of British Petroleum, we want them to think ‘winner!’” said BP spokesman Mark Proegler. “Because for a limited time, we want to make every man, woman and child in America a winner.”

The contest will allow any American citizen, or illegal immigrant, to travel down to the Gulf of Mexico. To claim their prize, all a person need do is clean a “game piece” in the form of a rock, bird, sea turtle, or anything else covered in oil. Once that item is cleaned, the person can collect their free one gallon of crude oil directly from the Gulf of Mexico.

“It’s just that easy!” said Proegler.

Entrants will be required to pay their own travel, room & board, as well as provide some type of containing device capable of holding one gallon of oil. Proegler said it was unlikely the oil would be of any use to anyone, as it has been heavily diluted in sea water.

“But still!” said Proegler.

The new contest has some near the Gulf of Mexico excited.

“This is just fantastic,” said Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss. “With this oil, all I’ll need is a bunch of windmills and some uranium and I’ll be on my way to energy independence.”

The contest is slated to end on March 25, 2076.

“So enter today!” said Proegler. “With British Petroleum, everybody’s a winner!”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles