AMERICA – The U.S. came to a grinding halt today, as everyone in America lost their keys.

“I could have sworn I put them on the counter,” said Tom Jenkins of Riverside, Calif. “Honest to God, I just can’t remember where I put them. No idea whatsoever.”

Jenkins was far from being alone. Almost simultaneously, more than 200 million Americans lost their house and car keys. Overall, more than 110 million people were unable to make it to their jobs, and many found themselves locked out of their own homes.

“I have a key hidden outside somewhere, but I just can’t remember where it is,” said Jenkins, an air-traffic controller.

Social scientists have long predicted this day would come, however, calling this strangely American phenomenon “The Hamster Effect.”

“Basically, Americans have the memory span of a hamster,” said Scientist Sven Hirsch of the Oslo School for Obscure Studies. “And it seems to be getting worse. Soon we may start calling it the ‘Paramecium Effect.’”

According to Hirsch, Americans enjoy the same personal, long-term memory as all other human beings. But as far as things that happen outside their own personal realm, Americans generally have a memory of 10 minutes or so.

“Put it this way,” said Hirsch. “Americans can remember their wedding day, but can’t remember George Bush’s Presidency or how Republicans govern.”

The phenomenon is unlikely to get better any time soon. According to Hirsch, studies show that Americans will likely be losing their keys all the time now, and will soon forget to do things like brush their teeth or dress themselves. This trend bodes poorly for the future of the U.S.

“Eventually, naked Americans with bad hygiene will be wandering the landscape looking for their keys,” said Hirsch. “Oddly enough, some will benefit from this. Sarah Palin, for example, will almost certainly be elected President in 2012, as few Americans will have any memory of anything she’s ever done or said.”

As for what is being called the “Where the Hell Did I Put my Keys Pandemic of 2010,” time and blind luck will likely result in most finding their keys within the next two weeks, unless they forget that they lost them in the first place. That doesn’t help those like Jenkins.

“I tried calling my wife, but forgot her number and can’t find my … what do you call it … oh, phone,” said an obviously irritated Jenkins. “Wait a minute, where are my pants?”

–WKW