William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Jesus Christ joins Marines to get his message out - one bullet at a time

    By William K. Wolfrum on Wed, 01/20/2010 - 8:15am | Politics, Humor & Satire, Religion

    AFGHANISTAN – Jesus Christ looked through his rifle scope. More than 200 yards away was known Muslim Ali-Aba Khan. With preternatural calm, Christ stared intently, lining up his shot. When he pulled the trigger, the back of Khan’s head exploded. Christ picked up his rifle and walked away.

    “The power of Christ compelled him,” said a chuckling Christ.

    It was only a few days earlier that Christ – the one and true savior – joined the Marines as a sniper, vowing to spread his message one bullet at a time.

    “At first, I just thought the war on terrorism was all about oil,” said Christ – resplendent in his Marines uniform. “Now that I know it’s all about me, well, let’s roll.”

    Private Christ added that he made his decision after learning that a Michigan-based company, Trijicon, has a $600-million contract to provide U.S. forces with 800,000 of the rifle sights which are being used in Afghanistan and Iraq. The sights are marked with citations from the Bible, including one that declares that Jesus is “the light of the world.”

    Going straight from the right hand of God to the front lines of Afghanistan, Jesus admitted that he should have gotten into the fight earlier.

    “Obviously, this has been a Holy War all along,” said Christ. “I was skeptical. But now that we know we’re fighting to create a Christian Middle East, I’m all in.”

    With 427 confirmed kills of known Muslims already, Jesus has been praised for his marksmanship and adaptability. Still, not all has been smooth sailing. Originally, the Marine Corps wanted to use Christ in the medical division in order to take advantage of his healing prowess. Christ balked, however, saying he joined for action.

    “Why heal U.S. soldiers when they can die as martyrs?” said Christ, cleaning his rifle. “Plus, leprosy, sure, no sweat. But when a guy’s head is in a thousand pieces, well, who has that kind of time?”

    While the U.S. still maintains that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are not based on religion, few are falling for that ruse any longer. From Donald Rumsfeld’s daily briefings that included victorious quotes from the Bible to the rifle sights praising Christianity, it’s become obvious to most that both George W. Bush and Barack Obama were and are on a religious crusade.

    As for Christ, he’s said he’s staying until the job is done, saying that he wouldn’t put down his rifle until the End of Times.

    “You want a Holy war, you got it,” said Christ, 37. “Now, we have to get bullets with little Bible citations on them.

    “One day soon, the last thing that will go through these Muslims’ heads is a bullet with my name on it,” said Christ. ” Semper Fi!”

    –WKW

    Topics: 
    Politics
    Humor & Satire
    Religion

    Comments

    I strongly suspect that Christ is lying about his age. I have this birth certificate right here (from the Middle East, no less) that says he's into his third millenium. I thought the military didn't allow new recruits older than 41…


    by Nebton on Wed, 01/20/2010 - 10:03am

    Kill 'em all. Let Dad decide.


    by quinn esq on Wed, 01/20/2010 - 8:14pm

    Did he have to shave his head?


    by Orlando on Wed, 01/20/2010 - 11:02pm

    dogzdik writes "The American company Trijicon has been nailed for discretely taking on biblical code behind the serial numbers on the gun scopes that it manufacturers and sells to the military. The format is typically 123456 JN8:12 — meaning John 8:12: or some other reference code.

    The firm vows on its website to follow "biblical standards" it says make America great.

    To undo some of this revisionist history — of cults:

    Hmmmm In the Beginning......

    Lots of monkey people loped out of africa and up into the nile delta and syria / mesopotamia regions.

    They created cities. They created stories. They created laws.

    In Babylon, the King — Hammurubi posted the city laws on a big block of stone. Getting into the "Me Too" clubby act, were one of the many dead beat goat herding tribes., With a little literacy they copied the Code of Hammurubi., and redrafted it by scrubbing the kings name out and rewriting the heading with the name of their own diety.

    They declared the auspices of their diety to be a holy people who had the god given right and direction to slaughter anyone and anything who did it different to their dietie's decrees.

    And they called themselves Jews.

    Along came a guy called Abraham and then another bunch of the middle eastern "Me Too's", then redrafted another version of the Jews ripped off city laws., and they called themselves Moslem and their own book, and called it the Koran.

    Then along came another pack of crooks who invented a son of a diety, purporting all these miracles some 2 lifetimes after his non existance, and they called him Jesus.

    Up sprang another cult, and the followers of the cult — well they all claim to be "christians" and they mostly do some of the half baked dogma of each of their thousands of whacko splinter groups, but Jesus (the fraud) was not practicing christianity — he was Jewish, practicing the Jewish religious cult — as stolen from the state laws of Babylon by King Hammuribi.

    The first 6 books of the old testament are basically verbatim copies of the Code of Hammurubi — it's one of the worlds biggest scams of plagarisim and deceit.

    And the half baked christian cultists eating their non kosher bacon burgers are inscribing this drivel on the gun sights?

    QED: There is no such thing as being jewish, moslem or christian - because all religion's ARE bullshit.


    by Jahm Mitt (not verified) on Fri, 01/22/2010 - 5:23am

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